This topic contains 25 replies, has 14 voices, and was last updated by  Fudgecake 2 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #75667

    (detail removed by moderator) he’s got up out of bed, got dressed and went downstairs with his laptop. We’d had words earlier. He’d ‘playfully’ jabbed me in the ribs and I retaliated. The way he moved his body it prevented me from getting up so I kicked out at him wearing slippers, he kicked me in the shinย  (detail removed by moderator). He then changed from being aggressive to groping me, to which I told him to stop it. Went to, don’t you love me, to why can’t I touch you. I said you can touch me but what I don’t like is being pawed at, so no you can’t touch me if that’s what you’re going to do. Time passed fir what seemed like hours and he then said I want you to put in for a divorce, I’m not being told I can’t touch you. They really don’t like being told NO, do they? (detail removed by moderator) been the silent treatment ever since. I guess maybe I am messing with his head but it’s really not any different to what he’s done to me over the years. He also said earlier that (detail removed by moderator)(wonder how that’ll go with not making up a packed lunch?) though that’ll change to how I do nothing for him!! Just wanted to moan a bit and get this of my chest. I’m not confused or anything just wondering if I’m on the cusp? It feels like somethings shifted, like I’ve got the upper hand I suppose. Strange feeling.
    IWMB ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

  • #75669

    Hi IWMB. Our problems started along time ago and part of that was if we ever cuddled up, he always wanted it to be more. Or if there was a hug in the kitchen, he always had to grope. And I used to say why can’t we just hug and he’d say if I can’t touch my wife, something must be wrong! From that time I backed off gradually and part of the issue now is he said I stopped being affectionate. A few times when we have argued he has shouted the divorce word. It’s because they know they are losing control and are trying to scare us. Yet if he’s so keen on divorce, why can’t I get him to leave? I do nothing for my OH now apart from cook him dinner because I’m cooking for me & the children and won’t be that petty. But he now has to do his own washing and everything else I did for him. I think you are close but it definitely won’t happen over night! Stay strong DD xx

  • #75671

    So sorry youโ€™re going through this. I can tell you that you will never have the upper hand while with an abuser. Having any contact is toxic and will suck the life and soul and energy from you. Even now when you should be sound asleep looking forward to the next day, your anxiously awaiting his next outburst. All your thoughts and precious time spent on him. Keep working towards an exit plan and photograph and log your injury with your gp x itโ€™s part of the long term escape plan.

  • #75673

    IWMB, I’m so sorry your having to go through that on top of everything else, I bet it felt good to be strong enough to stand up to him, but at the same time very frightening too..
    It sounds like your mind is getting stronger, I think the knowledge of all their patterns can help as you feel your taking back the power they have over you..
    You have said some very wise words to me and you’ve really helped along witb the other kind support from others, can’t thank you all enough..
    Witb the support on here and gaining knowledge, will help make us stronger, but we must also keep ourselves safe as they are like sniffer dogs when it comes to a change..
    Keep strong, keep safe ..

  • #75674
     [email protected] 

    he’ll be going no where IWMB – all empty threats because hes not getting away with anything now. hes basically spat the dummy – but this behavior is intimidating it makes me feel sick to hear this. you just dont deserve this treatment no one does. maybe time to get this documented in all the ways that we do – GP – WA and if he escalates police. i think we both know why hes upped the anti xx insecurity? love diymum xxxx

  • #75688

    I was sorry to read about your experience last night. I agree with KIP that you will never get the upper hand. You shouldn’t be lying in bed anxious about his next move. I remember that feeling well – it slowly drives you insane and takes a hefty toll on your physical health.You are getting mentally stronger in regard to leaving so keep working on getting out.
    Sending you a hug. x

  • #75694

    just wanted to send you some love as you are always amazing on here – you have great advice and wise words and I really hope you are ok xx

    What you have said about affection really resonates with me. I have never before thought this behaviour wasn’t normal but lots of ladies write about it on here and I too withdrew as it always had lead to sex and then I ended taking the blame as I wasn’t affectionate enough. And he also made an issue out of kissing passionately if it wasn’t going to lead anywhere…whereas I think you should be able to do more than peck and not feel like something else has to happen.
    It all just keeps me wondering if this is another thing that I have been blind to ๐Ÿ™.

  • #75996

    I’m sorry to read that you had to go through that. I remember that feeling all too well, lying there wondering if or when he’d come back, and if he did what horrors he’d bring back with him. Knowing that when he came back eventually, the whole cuddle quickly descending into groping thing would happen all over again, the affectionate kiss that held no affection but was for him a lead in to getting sexual. (never sensual, no, never that). Until you give in just so it stops, or you are kept awake until morning.

    I imagine that because you’d had words he was all the more needy and blaming too.

    You’re so close to freedom. I’m willing that time to pass safely for you.
    ER x

  • #76050

    Something has shifted IWMB, you see him more clearly than ever before now and you’re moving into ‘I’m done’. Hope you’re ok today x

  • #76071

    Hi ladies, this funeral malarkey is draining it’s like the universe is colluding to stop it happening, or it could be because of his behaviour and actions, too much negativity and all about him. He’s not going after all. Turns out he has a valid reason not to go, that my brother has acknowledged, as his stepson had just had to do the same thing.i feel like phoning up to confirm he’s going where he says he’s going but how do you do that without setting off alarm bells. So now he doesnt have to play the hypocrite and in his eyes there’s no reason for me to end it. Ha – is he in for a surprise. It was so funny last night, because he’s now talking to me, he thought all he had to do was reach over and I’d fall into his arms and let him. Didn’t happen.๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„ i just keep writing down his horrible words, he should be supporting me at this time instead he’s slagging off my family, accusing them of lining their own pockets, just generally make me think and worry about them and what they’re up to instead of him. It’s not working. I had a bit of a cry today, only because I’m frustrated that things aren’t getting organised as quickly as we’d like. I’m seeing my daughter for being a selfish wee madam too, it’s alright when we’re running around after her but the minute we dont drop everything she’s gets all sarcastic and rude.
    Fizzylem, aye I hear what you’re saying, it’s like seeing straight through him as if he’s a window. Everything he says and does is exactly like everyone has described their ex’s or current partners. I want to laugh I see so clearly now. Still scary though isn’t it.
    ER – you called it right, definately blaming me, taking no responsibility at all for this mess he’s created. He does not get his actions are why I’m withdrawn, won’t have sex, ignore him. He had the cheek to moan because I’d went out for a while at the weekend, I mean I never left a note or anything. How selfish of me๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚Yet for days before that, he ignored me, got changed and just left, no where he was going or when he’d be back. Definate double standards.
    Thank you all for listening and taking the time to talk me through this, you ladies are wonderful๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’œ
    IWMB ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

  • #76072

    Hi IWMB

    I’m glad to see you are still posting despite going through a difficult time. Strength to you x
    Just wanted to say I have also experienced exactly these things you experience. I know this is common but it hit a nerve. Everything was my fault, I caused it all by having withdrawn, there were double standards everywhere (too many to mention). Since I left there have been several calls to my family by him telling them how much he cared for me and how I did x or didnt do y. No admission, no remorse, no ‘is she ok’. I should have known, not that I really care. But its interesting to see that even now they are not the ones in the wrong.
    Anyway,do keep going, I am happy you are movingtowards a better place for you both physically and emotionally.

    Shaz x

  • #76108

    Hi all I think I’m using the forum as my diary of escape, maybe I should set up a new topic. I’ve contacted the solicitor who will give me a phone consultation nearer the end of the week AND I contacted my liaison worker at WA who will phone me tomorrow. If I put what I’m doing down in print, it might help keep me walking away. Where he’s going next week and where I have to go are on the same day, that may be the day I leave! Going to use LOA and see it, go through the day in my head, and by the end of it I’ll be in someone else’s house.
    I’m telling myself over and over, he’s not done this, he’s threatening that, he’s done this over the years, what will it be, what will it take to make you leave. He won’t ever change, you’ll never have any kind of relationship with family while he’s in your life. You’ll never feel relaxed when or if you go anywhere together because you’re afraid to relax and just be, in case you say or do something that he takes the wrong way, which then leads to the silent treatment or hours of what you did wrong and how you need to change or is it any wonder he doesnt take you anywhere. . Yes it should be you and him against the world, but a loving relationship also recognises the other partner has other responsibilities and commitments, and as such shouldn’t make it difficult awkward or whatever to have them in your life.
    I’m trying so hard to focus on getting away,keep things as normal as possible, it is so scary. I’m just very grateful we don’t have children together.
    On the positive side. I had a bath today and yesterday, WITH BUBBLES and put on a bit of makeup. Dinner’s out the window but I’m trying to eat, I’ve water made up and in the fridge to keep cool. Doing some stretching too.
    @shaz, talking to others, offering support is helping keep me focused, take my mind off what’s going on just now. Guess it’s my way of coping.
    Quietly thoughtful IWMB ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

  • #76110

    The end is near; when you feel scared IWMB, instead try to imagine what it will be like in the new place and how it will feel. I basked in the relief and the stillness for weeks, helped me no end in the coming to terms with it all stage. Big hugs, willing you on. Life is on the otherside xx

  • #76111

    This last week will be emotionally draining for you IWBM. Youโ€™re wise to treat yourself to a bubble bath or two and using this forum to write it down and get support.
    Due to our empathetic nature your heart strings might get tugged on a few times as those voices in your head make you feel sorry for him. I know I felt that way in the run up to going. But itโ€™s the cycle trying to repeat and it sounds like you now have that momentum to break it. Stay strong, he wonโ€™t change and if you do feel wobbly ask yourself if you want to still be living like this in 5,10,20 years?
    I think you know the answer already.
    Sending you positive thoughts. Keep posting xx

  • #76121
     [email protected] 

    we know its the staying away that can be really hard in this – i know your a planner IWMB, plan ahead and stay ahead of the game, read, relax and be kind to yourself – after a few weeks i started to feel better – i didnt feel those pangs any more. its a huge adjustment and it does feel like a void (even although they have been a nightmare) but it will ease xx you have so much to gain from the lovely relationship you can have now with your wee one xx that bond is something else – i loved being with my grandmother best days i can remember xx much love diymum

  • #76137

    @fizzy, that’s really good advice, I’ve never been one for bubble baths but that’s 2 I’ve had so far. I’m visualising living in my home town, I can remember it fairly well so imagine myself walking through the wee streets plus I googled it recently and they’re doing a regeneration scheme, . With restarting LOA I will get a place there,I know I will.
    @fudgecake, it’s true there’s a part of me who’s feeling sorry for him, then I remind myself of what I’ve lost and how he should be comforting me yet he’s the one needing comfort as he’s feeling suicidal, feeling pushed out. I’m not giving him any leeway to start the cycle, I no longer care enough to fight him verbally that is.
    @DIY, yes I’m a planner, I feel I’m struggling a bit because I’ve not written in front of me the steps I’ve to take, in order to tick them off when completed or even know them, so I’ve arranged to talk to support worker tomorrow. I’m doing things, moving things out, shredding paperwork, thinking this is the last time I’ll do this or that. It’s very freeing. Change of address form is next, will need to do a memo on my phone as I have forgotten to go for it today. I’m smiling more when he’s not around, I like it. ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’œ

  • #76174

    It’s not been a good day today. It’s not that I’m not wanting to leave I’m having to really push myself to keep committed, keep reading what he said at the weekend, keep telling myself I am so much stronger than he realises and he’ll find that out soon enough. Can’t get to see my support worker till next week, Easter hols and all that. Have a difficult task to do next week too which he’s not coming to, thinks he’s got a legitimate reason now so I should be all forgiving as it’s not as if he’s choosing not to come๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ but he is. Where he’s going can be rearranged, a third party won’t be out of pocket, he thinks I’m so stupid.
    I picked up the change of address form so I’m going to fill it out tonight while he’s out. I’m putting one foot in front of the other but trying to drag my heels at the same time, it’s bizzare. He’s phoning me at weird times now during the day, used to be on his lunch. All he does is complain about his workmates and if I start talking about where he is or where I am or how nice it is, he’ll stop the conversation saying I’ve obviously got nothing to say to him and he puts the phone down. Said to me tonight something about thinking I’d have phoned him to tell him I loved him, I nearly dropped my cup of coffee, them it changed to so you hate me then, no I don’t hate him. I’m just done, have nothing left to give him. I’m freezing again, thinking its just nerves, so I’m going to run a bubble bath, 3rd one in 3 days๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—
    Feeling bit down
    IWMB ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

  • #76208

    Good to hear you are making such progress with getting legal advice and a support worker, it all really starts to help… Combined with your determination you will get there.

    I got some legal advice last week it did feel better to know where I stand and what things can be sorted out and how … Nothing ever has to stay the same forever, and of course it doesn’t xx

  • #76248

    Hello Iwantmeback, I donโ€™t have much advice Iโ€™m stilling learning about how this all works however youโ€™ve been so supportive each time Iโ€™ve posted I just wanted to support you now and say be strong look forward and not back, stick to your plan and think of how much brighter your days will be.

    Good luck, you can do this and keep updating so we know how you get on, sending hugs x*x

  • #76307

    Sending positive thoughts to you IWMB xx
    The run up to leaving is frightening. I remember I was so scared and panicky. It’s perfectly normal to feel like that. You’re right to treat yourself gently. My best advice is – preparation is the key – and it sounds like you are preparing well. When you’re feeling unsure and frightened, think of all the things you’ll be able to do when you’re not catering 24/7 to an ogre.

  • #76347

    Thank you so much for your support ladies. ย (Detail removed by moderator). ๐Ÿ˜„I’m finding I’m smiling that wee bit more. Not out yet, just waiting to see support worker. I’m getting so excited, I’ve not been excited about ANYTHING in such a long time, not even the birth of my grandson.
    My diet isn’t that great yet, but I’m eating more healthily when I do, not so much toast and marmalade(it’s defo my comfort food). I’m up and at em so to speak in the mornings, not that i lay in bed that late, but when i did get up, I’d literally curl up on the couch and pull a throw over me and sleep for hours.
    He’s being super nice๐Ÿ˜‰ something was pointed out to me recently , usually it would have caused a right stooshie, ย (detail removed by moderator).ย  They really do turn it right round on its axis, don’t they? I’m sticking to my thoughts of last week, he crossed the line, end of.
    As the solicitor said 2-3 months down the line you’ll be able to put him behind you, everything else will get sorted out in time. Next step after recognising who he is, is reaching out, along the way, you do come to accept your relationship is truly over and with that comes peace,how long this takes depends on each individual, the next step is walking out of the door. I’ll keep you posted. Have a lovely Easter weekend everyone, to the best that circumstances allow. I’m still practicing LOA.
    Love to all, be happy, be safe.
    IWMB ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

  • #76355

    Happy Easter IWMB (and everyone), My husband is being super, super nice.ย (Detail removed by moderator) – just like the early days when we were dating. Thing is, I am simply suspicious of this nice guy. Can’t help it. So I will not be giving up my WA Peer Group or the FP or reading and posting. Because once I start thinking ‘it’s not really that bad’ or ‘I am such a fraud, other women have it much worse’ or allow the fear of financial loss to colour my judgement then I am reeled back in – often that is the easiest path. The next outburst may be in one week, one month or even one year, but I know deep down it will happen. Persevere IWMB and take courage from others who have already left and therefore know that the finality of leaving is not easy like some would believe. X*X

  • #76356

    Hi Doris, definately don’t stop posting or learning. We far too often get reeled back in, and then it’s back to square one, plucking up the courage to do the same thing all over again. My oh is also being really nice, nothing’s too much bother etc etc, I will not be fooled. I’ve not seen what’s been in front of me for years, I can’t turn a blind eye to it anymore. Baby step by baby step. it really is like tearing off a plaster mm by mm๐Ÿ˜. Good to see you back on here. ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’œ
    IWMB ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•n

  • #76403

    Mr,nice guy didn’t last long. He accused me of taking my kids side yet again, I should see it from his side just for once. I’d the same s..t every time, he actually walked out, then changed his mind. Again it makes your stomach churn, but it’s only strengthening my resolve. Can you actually believe he’s using their actions to say he’s suicidal, O – M – G.๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„ now he’s nice as pie, drinking coffee as if nothing was said. Soooo transparent.
    Sending strength to all who are wavering, undecided and out but having to still have contact. ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž
    IWMB ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ€

  • #76408

    IWMB, thinking of you now you’re almost there. My ex continually being vile and abusive helped me because it just confirmed that I was doing the right thing. It’s hard, but I don’t regret it x

  • #76411

    The aftermath is indeed hard but…Iโ€™m really appreciating being the free spirit I once was again.
    Stay strong IWMB x

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