Still broken…

[Aliceinwonderland]

Hi there,
I know they say time heals but I’m just wondering how much time and if you can ever fully heal when you still have to have contact due to shared custody of children.
I have had lots of counselling and I know I’m on my way because flashback, nightmares and panic attacks are much less frequent. I’ve also started work full time and I am happier more often. I am also in a new relationship and this new man is forever surprising me with how a normal relationship should be… though this sometimes makes me realise how messed up I am. He calms me and I feel safe with him in a way I never did with my ex husband … but even if a small disagreement he can pick up that I’m panicking and he will reassure me…everything in the new relationship is easier.
I feel like I bring a lot of my issues into this, my ex is unpredictable and will always be about…I recently had a nightmare about my ex and woke up having panic attack and then I have a few days when I’m not ok, I’m anxious. I struggle with trust because my ex constantly lied to me. More recently my social media was hacked by my ex (I think because location was from his work) also he had a history of doing this. I am on edge and I know my new partner will support/ help me any way he can but I’m not sure it’s ok to lean on him in this way.
My new partner knows my ex was abusive and that I had counselling afterwards but he doesn’t know too much. I’m not ready too talk with him about much of it because it was mostly degrading and controlling and I’m afraid it might happen again. Even though my new partner doesn’t have any of the same personality traits as my ex.
I’m sorry if this seems jumbled I haven’t slept much and I guess it’s just a bad patch. Just feel so confused and was hoping this would stop by now. I was hoping the ex would move on and I’m not sure he has…
Any advice will be gratefully received.

[KIP.]

Here’s what helped me. Taking back control. Report your ex to the police for hacking your account. Then change all passwords or better still come off all social media until you are coping better. All this contact is triggering. Having children does not mean you have to have direct contact. Get something in place where the drop off and pick up is via a third party. Where all contact is via a third party so that you have zero direct contact with him. It will give you a sense on control again.

[KIP.]

You’re not still broken, you’re still healing👍

[Aliceinwonderland]

Thank you kip
Yes I think you are right, he has no right to still be in my life but he will use the kids and contact as an excuse. It does trigger me quite badly.
He just seems to wheedle his way back in despite my efforts to get him out. I have changed all my passwords so he can’t access my social media but I’m going to take a break from it for a bit.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Aliceinwonderland, healing takes time. Sometimes the length of time we were with them can determine that it’ll take more time but each day he’s not in your life is a day you have gotten stronger. They wheedle into our lives so easily, sometimes we’re not even aware of what they’re doing then we’re like, whoa what do you think you’re doing. No contact is the only way, until that opportunity presents itself try whatever means you have to, to have as little contact as possible. I find it impossible to lie my ex, he always finds out and still thinks it’s okay to go off on one. Once I’ve moved away from this area I’ll be able to start divorce proceedings, until then I try to have as little contact with him as possible.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

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