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    • #169333
      CoffeeAndBooks
      Participant

      Hi,

      I’m new to the forum and after reading other people’s posts there are so many parts that ring true to me and I can relate to.

      My ex Husband and I have been split up and divorced for a few years now. I have met someone else which wasn’t planned but I fell pregnant and had a beautiful healthy baby. This was a welcome surprise after years of fertility issues. However, I still can’t fully move on. I share a pet with my ex Husband that he insists on having everytime he is home from working away, so I am tied to him for as long as my pet lives.

      Because of this I have no closure, he doesn’t know I’ve had a baby, i managed to conceal this from him in fear of how he’ll react. I’m constantly looking over my shoulder and after years of emotional abuse still don’t feel free.

      I still replay our relationship over and over in my head, thinking where did it go wrong and questioning is it me that has issues. To give you some background he was a typical love bomber at first, flowers, expensive jewellery, bags, weekends away, which i thought was far fetched byt really like him. Then it wore off and he became a nightmare to live with, expected to be waited on hand and foot, constantly criticising my housework, if I brought this up with him he would say I was childish or vindictive. He even told me once that if I couldn’t afford to go on holiday he’d just go without me. Even silly things like he would say I was slamming the fridge door and asked me to stop then he would continue to do it. Or one night it was really windy so I moved the (detail removed by Moderator) away from my (detail removed by Moderator) in fear of it blowing into it and he wouldn’t let it lie, kept asking me why I’d moved it when he had it in a certain place.
      We slept in seperate beds for the last years of our marriage, I have a chest condition and am a bit of a heavy breather when asleep and he didn’t like it, he would go mad if I got up through the night for the loo and put the light on or made noise (even though he did) so one night I (detail removed by Moderator) decided not to in fear of him kicking off and decided I would get up early before him in the morning and (detail removed by Moderator), but he got there first and went mental, talking to me before I went to work like I was a child and it was disgusting, i felt so small and stupid for not (detail removed by Moderator). I used to dread him coming home, spend hours cleaning and checking everything over and over, he gave me OCD.
      Not really sure where I’m going with all of this, I could go on forever with the things he has done, what I have mentioned is just a drop in the ocean and everyday it’s on my mind, I can’t even enjoy my new life, it’s like a prison sentence that he’s always in my head.

    • #169338
      Indeepindance
      Participant

      Hey CoffeeAndBooks,

      I can relate to the constant replaying of the relationship, for me it’s because I miss him and worry I messed up and that it wasn’t all his fault.

      Do you have any idea why you’re still ruminating? And have you had any counselling or therapy since divorcing? If not, that might be a good step to take.

      I can tell from what you’ve described that your ex was highly irritable which must’ve felt consuming and put you on edge all the time. I totally get the second-guessing every decision knowing whatever you decide will be wrong, it’s a horrible way to live if you’re unable to ignore it and let it roll off you. You must’ve been on high-alert

      It takes ages to realise they were the problem and skill to place the focus back on them in those moments. I certainly wish I’d done more of that when faced with criticisms over tiny things, but today I remember it was hard not to react quickly and strongly after so long,I was literally waiting for it each time.

      So maybe try to remind yourself that there was a reason whatever that was, things didn’t work and you weren’t happy.

      Do any of those incidents play out in your current relationship? (That might help to see it’s not your fault) and that there is a dynamic going on that all you can do it react to the best way you can at the time.

      Unfortunately the possibile alternative outcomes if you’d done anything differently come to the forefront don’t they, but all we can do is learn from that and take it forward in our next relationships I guess. I do think as well that any conversation you could have with him now about it all, probably wouldn’t go how you’d rehearsed or imagined it anyway.

      It’s much easier telling someone else these things than applying it to myself! This forum really helps to be able to see things another way from an outsider’s perspective. I know you’ve helped me to do that too.

      Take care, enjoy your lovely baby (congratulations) and keep talking.
      Xxxxx

    • #169457
      Karisqq
      Participant

      For me, acceptance is an important part. I have accepted that my parents were abusive at some point, I have accepted that my parents emotionally neglected me quite often. More importantly, I learn to accept that I’m hurting, and I’ll think about it from time to time. Because I found that, funny enough, the more you want to get rid of the pain, or forget about it, the more you remember it, since when you force yourself to get rid of it, you’re accidentally emphasising.

      It’s no longer important whose fault is that, it is what it is, you have left the relationship and life continues. I find it help to listen to music, to read books (like self help), drawing and doing origami help with distracting myself from thinking about those painful thoughts.

      It takes time, and it’s a long lesson, but trust yourself, everything will be fine in the right timing. Take care, and congratulations for the baby, hope they bring you warmth and love! X

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