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    • #83601
      Hokeycokey
      Participant

      Hi

      I’ve been out of the relationship for a very short time. Because I worry intensely about the abuse of his son I’ve gone along with the ‘friends’ thing as a connection to the child. I haven’t made contact with him.
      He left a message on my phone (detail removed by moderator) to say that he’s booked my dog into the groomers and paid for it ! That’s freaked me out.

      Then (detail removed by moderator) he messaged being all ‘nice’ to say that he’s bought an item for collection at a place (detail removed by moderator) from where I live. That’s a (detail removed by moderator) drive for him.

      I’m on pins now because I don’t know when that’s going to be and I’m pretty sure that he’ll turn up at my house ( probably bringing his son).

      There are still some of his things at my house ( too big to post) so he’ll have an excuse.

      I have read so many posts about going no contact but I found it hard because he scares me so much and as I said I worry about his son. I have now realised that I can’t continue like that as I was doing really well and was proud Of myself for coping with lots of difficult emotions, keeping busy , decorating , etc and now I feel rubbish again and annoyed with myself for thinking I could be ‘friends’.

      I know that if he comes here he’ll coerce me into having sex with him and I’ll just be back to square one. He’s incredibly vengeful and would bide his time time to get me back and make me pay for having the audacity to end the relationship.

      Have people told their ex’s that they are not wanting any further contact or just done it?

      Thanks for listening xx

    • #83611
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Hi HC. Its good to read he lives that far away from you, I think this alone will help to keep him away. He isnt going to want to do that journey too often is he – if he does I would be very concerned, as that is a lot of time and effort he’s prepared to spend isn’t it.

      You have to do what is right for you with the no contact thing, I found I tried to keep a line of communication open for my child, but it just didnt work, it gives him the opportunity to get angry and abusive, whereas if this isnt there, he cant bring that to you can he – which helps a great deal, it kind of made it worse for me. I put all comms through a third party now – this works much better for us.

      You don’t have to say don’t contact me, you can choose just not to respond; but it does sound like what you do need to say to him is please call before you come, turning up announced is never an option, do this is a written form so you have it as evidence should you later need it, because if he doesn’t respect this boundary you can call the police and make a complaint for harrassment, ALTHOUGH, this is not essential if you feel this will anger him and are scared, you can call the police with or without this evidence, this is also fine.

      I realise you would like to keep the line of comms open for his son, this is a tricky situation for sure, because it could mean he uses him to get through your door or that he can always get access to you and your phone number via his son. Could you say to him you are always welcome but you have to be on your own? You could block his dad eventually and keep the phone line open to him only – but guess you would need to make it clear to him how it needs to be, it might actually be very helpful for him to know, would leave him knowing you don’t have problem with him – only his father – may help to make him think a bit? Would prevent him feeling rejected and confused as well wouldnt it.

      It’s really about putting firm, clear boundaries in place that you feel you can work with because they also protect you, make the situation feel manageable.

      Maybe sort out giving his stuff back, thank him for the groom but say you can not accept it, say you will fetch the parcel this time but wont be doing it again, providing he collects everything together in one trip; arrange for a friend to be there when he comes, maybe a couple of people could even do it for you? Ask that he brings his son as well maybe? Remind him in writing that the realtionship is over, you only wish him well, but that you really need for the both of you to part ways and respect that one another need this time alone now to do this, that it would be best now that you do not see one another – have time to heal. Then block him once you’ve sorted his stuff out? As there really is no need for him to contact you after then is there.

      If you accept the groom he will think this is a way he can get back in, so I really think you need to say thanks but no thanks.

      OR, you could go no contact today and not deal with any of this – make it a police matter if he turns up.

      I’m not sure how he will coerce you into sex, that is some power you feel he has over you if this does happen. I would make sure I am never alone with him; if he does call round on his own, I’d call the police straight away. Do not let him in. You need to say no to him, if he forces himself onto you then this is rape, having sex out of fear not to anger him is also rape.

      Sounds like you are almost there now, that you’ve achieved alot, that maybe there is just his stuff to sort out and making it clear to the both of them what are the boundaries here.

      He sounds really intimidating and controlling, scary. You need to feel you have protection hey – which is what the police are there for or you could speak to a solcitor and see if you can get an order x

    • #83627
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      I would strongly advise you to use the grey rock technique on him. Sometimes going no contact can be too dangerous to do when they are extreme psychos like yours seems to be. The no contact should be made for your sanity and health but when they get actually exited to chase you and harass you, I would implement first the grey rock method, showing no emotions, be boring, refuse anything from him, this will teach his brain to view you as boring, not worth the chase, and he will go away.
      I wouldn’t let him in your house ever ever again. Even if you do have some of his stuff. Ask friends for support and store them somewhere else.
      Call Women’s Aid to ask for support. Call the police to ask what you can do in case he does show up. Do not accept any gifts from him. It all comes with a price tag (more abuse). On the day he said he comes, go over to a friends house, don’t be alone or have someone stay with you and be ready to call the police.
      Stay strong darling 💪

    • #83758
      Fudgecake
      Participant

      What I’ve learnt about toxic relationships…was controlling, still is controlling and will be controlling always. Winner takes it all.

    • #83770
      Hokeycokey
      Participant

      Hi FC. That’s very powerful…and took my breath a little, but I think you’re right!

      I still find it so extremely difficult to accept that some people are inherently bad and will behave like this, even though I’ve experienced it; it’s just so far removed from how I would treat anybody. I’m not a pushover by any means but would never even think to be mean and destructive and so controlling to another person for fun…

      😔x

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