20th September 2021 at 11:45 am #131672
I’m stuck In two minds.
One half :
I’m glad he’s gone, I have no regret, I’m free and progressed more in the last year than I have in the (detail removed by Moderator) before that. I’ve got someone who treats me right, can take accountability, a stable mind, consistent actions and intentions. Moods consistent with words. I can’t believe I spent so long with someone who said one thing and meant another, who gaslighted me and abused me, smashed my things, took away my trust in people, in ways I never thought would happen to me. He deserves what he gets. I held him up for too long and lost myself and my aspirations in the process. I forgot what true happiness felt like. I gave him multiple ways out but he chose not to take them.
I still have no regrets, but does that mean he was right? That I didn’t truly love him and that’s why it didn’t work. I feel like I abandoned him when he may have needed someone the most. He’s massively gone downhill, (detail removed by Moderator). Lost his job and car and everything. Was that my fault? He stole a close persons identity for money purposes. It was torture for me but maybe I misunderstood him and I really am the bad guy.
After all the s**t I’ve been through I never want someone to put me as the cause of their downfall, but at the same time I still feel responsible for his position. Because I kicked him out when he had nothing, I broke up with him over text because I was too scared to do it face to face for his reaction , maybe it was only because he cared that he got so angry? And I would be angry too if someone couldn’t face me.
Maybe I’m too understanding and generous and need to be harder on people, but I only give the treatment I wish people would give to me. I don’t know, I’m sorry for rambling but I’m just so stuck in being able to read the true reality of the situation. Just was it me or him I don’t even know.
I like to think it was him because of the pure hell he put me through, but I still feel terrible about the position he’s in now and how he must feel.. or am I just putting myself on a high horse and he won’t be torn up about losing me at all… but he always said he loved me so much, but did he just love the situation more than me; being looked after, paid for, cooked food and cleaned the house and he never had to lift a finger..
It’s all so confusing
20th September 2021 at 12:27 pm #131674Wants To HelpParticipant
Feeling sorry for someone who seems to be hard done by is a natural emotion of most human beings. Just look at all of the TV ads on during the day that show the suffering of children in other countries, animals that are beaten and starved etc and it pulls at our heart strings, moves us to tears and makes us feel that we need to do something to help and put an end to all of that.
I think you had a lucky escape, or maybe they’re the wrong words. There’s nothing ‘lucky’ about your escape, you realised you were in an abusive relationship and you took action and got out of it. You are now reaping the rewards of life after abuse and are living proof that a relationship with a kind and wonderful man is indeed possible.
I can tell you without doubt that you ex partner was not right. You did love him as you know how to love someone, but the ‘love’ that he showed you in return was not the love that you deserved or needed. ‘Love’ means different things to different people, but abusers do not ‘love’ like a healthy relationship requires. His actions after your separation were all of his own doing; those choices and decisions he made to commit crime and take drugs were all his own. The loss of his job and car – his fault. His lifestyle choice is clearly not compatible with yours, and no matter how long you tried to make things work with him it would never have worked. You didn’t abandon him, you saved yourself.
You are an empathic person, as most of us are. The fault of us empaths is that we believe we can ‘fix’ people, or ‘rescue’ them, and that by giving them love and compassion we can turn them in to someone else. We need to learn and accept that we cannot change people, we can only change ourselves. There is a saying “you cannot change someone but you can waste your life trying.”
There will be professional help out there for him if he wants to turn his life around. Harsh as it sounds, he is no longer your problem or concern, and by worrying about him and giving your thoughts and energy to him it could jeopardise your new relationship. I think you’ve done so well to get away from this man and make a new life for yourself. The kindest thing you can now do for you is to leave him in the past.
20th September 2021 at 3:25 pm #131689
Hi Want to help,
This rings quite true with me, I do actually try and help people who are struggling quite a lot, because I’ve been there and people didn’t really help me, so I guess that’s where it pulls at my heartstrings.
I’m trying to be headstrong about it because I wouldn’t go back if you paid me and my new chap is such a beautiful human inside and out, I could never want anyone else.
if you’ve had your own experience did you struggle to make sense of things? If you don’t mind me asking of course
I feel like I have to acknowledge and sort of have a conclusion in my brain, and I felt a lot of people close to be are going to be biased.. as are a lot of professionals I guess, they won’t tell you that you were the problem. I wasn’t perfect but I am trying to accept that I did my best in the situation I had and trying to move on and be truly happy again.
I really appreciate your comment and perspective, thank you 🙂
20th September 2021 at 3:42 pm #131690KIP.Participant
I’d come at it from a different perspective. Imagine this man did to your daughter, sister or mother exactly what he did to you. How much sympathy would you have for him and how much blame would you put at their feet x he made choices in his life an there are consequences. Don’t waste your energy on him, you need it for your own recovery x
21st September 2021 at 9:17 am #131713
Hi Flowersandcats, I can totally relate. Really everything you said is so similar to how I feel, I only have recently left. Its the cognitive dissonance, the two contradicting thoughts.
The feeling responsible for them is something they brainwashed us to do, to shoulder their responsibilities and emotions. I try to repeat to myself, I am only responsible for myself. He is an adult and responsible for himself. It takes time to re-adjust this, we need to put all our compassion and care towards ourselves, not towards these abusive men.
So so relate to this part too, unbelievable how similar our experiences are: ‘but he always said he loved me so much, but did he just love the situation more than me; being looked after, paid for, cooked food and cleaned the house and he never had to lift a finger.’
Apparently they cannot love, its more possession and obsession they have for us, its not the love you or I would have.
I wanted to know for a long time whether my ex was abusive on purpose or not. If I knew he was abusive on purpose, then there is no need to feel sorry for him. If it was just his nature, that he did love me but didn’t know how to treat a partner with respect. Then I had pity for him. But either way, leaving was the right thing. He said some thing to make me think it was conscious and he always acted differently when it was just the two of us. So those are signs he did it consciously. But taking advantage of us, letting us do everything and pay for everything, that is cruel. Abusive or not.
Also the breaking up by text, I did it by email and felt terrible guilt for a long time. Panful guilt. We go against our principles, to keep ourselves safe. But they are the ones that caused this, they are the ones who purposefully made us feel unable to tell them to their face. They are the guilty party not us.
I find it’s really good to get these thoughts on paper. If they are upsetting or angry, get it all out then rip the pages and burn them, something new I just learnt and it feels great.
Also a great book is ‘You can heal your life’ by Shannon Thomas. Really great book for all round living a happy life but also gives exercises for forgiving and letting go
Your so lucky to have found such a good man, it’s nice to hear x*x
6th October 2021 at 12:49 am #132227
Thank you so much for this message, I’m so glad you understand, even if it comes from having the same c****y experience. I think I’ll forever feel bad, going against my own morals to break up over messages .. however I will continue to justify my actions purely through the fear I felt from having that conversation face to face. It’s so difficult to accept the future and past even is not necessarily all my doing, and still feel almost like I may be sugarcoating it for myself. But I know who I am, and I hope you are on the same journey too, we need to get our lives back and this is just the beginning xx always here if you wanna talk, my inbox is always open 🙂
21st September 2021 at 12:37 pm #131724BettertimesaheadParticipant
I could cry reading this..it’s so how I feel. He used to tell me he loved me too much all the time, was obsessed with me. Yet was lazy, racked up debts, drank. I too need to know it was deliberate how he treated me.Hes committed offences against me since leaving yet still.thinks I’ll talk to him. Thank you for this post, I’m so pleased I am not mad feeling like this
21st September 2021 at 12:55 pm #131726
Hey lovely, my ex was an alcoholic too.
You are definitely not mad.
Same, he would say alot (detail removed by moderator)
He used to say ‘I love you’ all the time I actually told him to stop saying it so much and was made to feel bad because(detail removed by moderator)
Or he would do something rude/bad and to get out of it, he would tell me ‘I love you so much’ that’s when I started to see through it a bit more, his actions didn’t match his words. He wouldn’t come help me when I was ill, but ‘He really loved me’.
Think of the actions. Words are just words. Words are easy to say, the actions are where you see the true love.
Can you cut all contact? You cannot move on truly with contact.
7th October 2021 at 7:51 am #132249
The guilt is the worse,
I was feeling better about how I left, it’s been some time now.
But I also feel terrible guilt for blocking him on everything.
He was blocked on everything apart from my email, now he has emailed, I feel terrible for ignoring him.
7th October 2021 at 11:31 am #132254nbumblebeeParticipant
I havent left but totally get what you say about guilt. I believe its whats keeping me here.
I feel so much guilt for talking about him for thinking bad about him especially on good days I feel guilty cause he seems so unhappy I feel guilty when he moans about me what ive done not done etc maybe it stops me from believeing the truth seeing the truth and admitting it. Its huge so I can totally underdtand where you are coming from there. However you are out and that is amazing and nothing should cloud or take away that feeling of freedom, strength that i imagine comes with leaving. I guess it takes alot of time, and healing for you to be able to carry on living the life you deserve and I hope that you are able to get some help towards that healing.
Sending you strength and hugs xx
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