Still have empathy for him

[Sad and alone]

Despite all the trouble we’ve had and the things that have been said and done I wonder how is it you still care for them? My husband does so much for me but the over-riding factor and downfall is his contempt for me and constant criticism and being told I need to change, therefore implying I’m no good as I am. Things have got progressively worse yet despite the things he says I still feel sorry for him about certain things. How he’s been treated by his family and other people around us. I feel ungrateful and then feel sorry about that. When he says he has something wrong with him, or that his health isn’t good because he’s worked so hard. Even after a horrendous row I’ll sometimes hold his hand in bed as I get to thinking how he’s upset and all these other things. I think part of that though is just wanting human contact maybe. I don’t know. How can I feel sorry for someone who is never sorry about the way they make me feel as they think it’s all justified?

[minimeerkat]

we are who we are & if we are compassionate individuals its going to be incredibly hard to stop feeling this towards others.  but you normally find in abusive relationships that the empathy we have & feel is exploited – because when a partner insists on being a victim all the time it is naturally going to cause you to continually empathize with them.  and you will end up feeling this way even when they have been abusive towards you – and this is usually because of how responsible they have made us feel for their behaviour.  and so while you still feel any degree of guilt or responsibility you will not be in a position to recognize when a person is actually undeserving of your compassion

even being out of my relationship i am still having problems with this & am having to now think twice before offering the natural genuine care & kindness i feel.  with it being a core value it will always be a part of our character so it is just a case of learning along the way who we are safe enough with to show this lovely side of ourselves x

[Piano.Forte]

Both postings from ‘minimeerkat’ and ‘sad and alone’ resonate with me right now.  So, sad and alone I hope that by now you have recovered from feeling low and are feeling more upbeat. minimeerkat I think hits the nail right on the head when she identifies the role play of the victim and how the demands of this role, hook the role of the soother or saver into the distorted thread of interacting.

I think wanting human contact via touch is so vital. That is a fantastic thing to express. So real and human. Evidence of a living natural feeling person. So to reach out and hold a hand is good. So it helps you.  You reached out on behalf of yourself. Thinking about him and all his woes and how he might feel this and that not so good maybe. He can reach out for your hand …

I can identify with being unable to step back and disengage from the victim-bully-victim exchange, whereby the victim starts out played by partner, then that victim turns in to the bully and I would become the victim. Very weird but after years of repetition very predictable. It took my years and years to see this.

So today my husband is at some medical hub having a procedure. (I only know this because I listened in to a phone call he received (timeframe removed by moderator) from the “(detail removed by moderator)” inviting him to attend.) I sit here and yes there is a tinge, a light dusting of empathy towards him as a human being not for the vile individual that he is. This is the FIRST time I have not come alongside him to support him by accompanying him to a medical facility.

I think I continued to return to the abuser/bully and strengthen his cycle of abuse, i.e. getting hooked back in, due to my feeling sorry for him as the victim was this: I was not able to see him as a separate person from myself and I had for viewed him as the father to my children and not the adult male that he is in his own right.// So that role of father dominated my thinking.// And not seeing him as separate from me was due to damage done to me during my early childhood from both parents. I have had in-depth lengthy counselling for this. And it took about 10 years to work through that. Then another 10 years to work through the domestic abuse. Total 20 Years!

I have never received an apology from my husband. And today I can say, I do not want one. He needs to save his breadth.

So, Sad And Alone, I wish you a good day. And minimeecat thank you for hitting the nail on the head calling out this victim role play.

 

 

 

[minimeerkat]

sad and alone you know its perfectly ok to feel compassion for an abusive person but this is usually when you have either gone no contact or low contact & are therefore ‘safe’.  so when there are strong boundaries or distance we can perhaps empathize with abusive partners family members or friends if we learn that they have experienced something painful or upsetting themselves

but we risk making ourselves extremely vulnerable when feeling something like this when still attached to our abuser because it can prevent us from seeing & accepting the truth – that it does not ever justify their abusive behaviour towards us.  it doesnt matter how traumatic someones life has been this is never an excuse for abusive behaviour ever

i should think that because of your partners insistence on being the victim in every situation in life it is making you feel a lot of compassion – which is then going to make it extremely difficult for you to actually see & accept that this same ‘poor’ man is in truth being abusive towards you x

 

[Bananaboat]

My therapist once said, being empathetic can be you projecting how you’d want to be treated in that situation and often stems from the child you not getting the support he/she needed. So now you feel for others because you know what it feels like to not be cared for. That stung but when someone treats us badly we overlook that and say well they’ve worked hard, had a tough time with family etc. I don’t know if this applies to you but could be partly what’s happening, but also they know what buttons to press to manipulate us – so playing the victim gets our sympathy I a trump card to them, throw in the trauma bond and cognitive dissonance and it’s a fun old bundle of what we do all this. X

[Yesican]

Some very interesting replies here – thanks ladies.

I stayed WAY too long in my relationship because I felt so sorry for my ex. He knew how to play that pity game. I found excuses for his behaviour because of his bad childhood (abandoned by his mother), his terrible ex (eyes roll), his alcoholism, his depression, his cancer. I was there holding his hand as he sobbed because of an affair that had broken up (I didn’t know). I supported him as he got sober and then through his  cancer treatment. If I had had half the empathy and caring for myself that I gave to him, I would have left much, much earlier.

I don’t have any contact with him now but i worry that he will die and I won’t know about it. I sometimes feel bad for abandoning him while he is still having cancer treatment.

Don Hennessy (Steps to Freedom and How He Gets into Her Head) writes that abusers will target empathetic and kind women who will always put their partner’s needs first. That is how they pull us in and keep us there.

We deserve to put ourselves first and focus on self care and self compassion. I’m sure they will do just fine without us !

[NotYourMaid]

@Bananaboat

I really like what your therapist said! It explains my relationship with my husband so well.

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