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    • #120921
      Trueblue
      Participant

      So after he said he was suicidal i basically felt i had to give it another go. He is being super nice and attentive. But i was hysterically sobbing this morning on my own. I feel like he is making yet another decision for me, my life is not my own. Is this normal? I cant work, im so distracted and so sad and down. I have nothing to give at work. I also am devastated that my male friend who got me to this point wont engage now until i have my situation all sorted. He doesnt want to be involved so to speak. And im not sure of he is who im making him out to be in my head?

      Im just a big ball of confused mess but know im not happy. My eyes are sunken and i look so miserable and want to cry. I dont think id warrant a refuge, is there any other place me and kids can go? I just want him out but he refuses tp acknowledge it is over. Is that even abuse? I have severe trauma bonding i think and emotional issues, i cant concentrate. Will i ever be me again? Thank you for reading, feel so deflated x

    • #120924
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi there. After my ex would make me back down I felt so devastated. While he was happy, not interested in my misery that he caused. Selfish men. Talk to your local women’s aid. Look at your options. Refusing to leave is emotional abuse. He’s basically making his wife and children leave their home. You don’t wa t to be with him, he makes you miserable but he doesn’t care. Could you afford a deposit to rent somewhere. Have you spoken to solicitor?

    • #120925
      iliketea
      Participant

      Agree with KIP, refusing to leave, refusing its over, all emotional abuse. In the end I had to leave and apply for an OO and a Non-Mol, only way to get him to leave. We are back home now. I didnt want to go to a refuge but did stay in a series of sort of safe houses, friends of friends, random strangers, empty houses, reach out to a local mums group and ask anonymously. You’ll be surprised how many houses/flats are just empty at the moment for whatever reason and people are really happy to help at the moment. I even found foster carers for my pets. I could have gone to a refuge though, why do you say you don’t warrant one? Any woman experiencing domestic abuse can go…and this is domestic abuse what you are describing hon.

      Could you get a referral to local domestic abuse organisation, or call the womens aid chat line? Speak to your GP.
      Don’t worry about the other bloke, you don’t need him to get you out of this, you can do it all on your own. Well not on your own, but with a support network of professionals ideally, and friends too. If he’s a real friend, he’ll be there when you get out and the afterwards bit. Maybe its good to have a break and get your own headspace and thinking about this straight yourself, you’ll feel a lot freer. Do you want to be indebted to this other guy for helping you? I was let down by a woman friend just before I left, and I realised in the end, she was just about her, was actually a n********t too, and I have a big habit of furnishing my life with them. She offered to help me physically leave then let me down at the last minute. I feel very happy I still got out, on my own, and managed the whole thing without leaning on anyone. Have you done some reading or listened to audio books if its easier/safer? There are some really good ones around…KIP recommended Healing from Hidden Abuse and that was a total game changer for me. And the Lundy Bancroft books.
      You’ll be ok, you’ll get there, you want to leave, so I am sure you will. And then you will have a chance to be you again. Also don’t forget that there’s a b****y pandemic going on and in any normal situation that is stressful so pile yours on top of that, you’re a superwoman and you will survive. Look after yourself and try and get lots of sleep, exercise, healthy food, fresh air and water. x*x
      Stay strong. xx

      • #120928
        Trueblue
        Participant

        Thanks iliketea, me too!
        Ah really? Couple friends said oh wish my ex had fought for me, that is true love etc. Makes me doubt myself. He was suicidal when i told him it was over (detail removed by moderator) And he begged me to ‘try again’ ill be super nice, ill be such a good husband you wont want to leave. Sorry ive been horrible all these years, etc.
        Oh wow, so nice to know there are kind people out there! I dont know, i guess because he hasnt physically abused me i dont feel im that on danger.
        Yeah the other guy can wait, i probably dont need it right now, i need to keep my mental strength. And yes, you’re right i need to do this myself! He just sparked in me that i could like another man and probably be treated a lot better. Oh no sorry to hear about your friend, that is awful. Just when you need someone!
        I can listen to some audio books right now 🙂 i love Lundy Bancroft, i always go back to it just to reaffirm things. I very often feel like ive made this all up in my head and he isnt abusive and perhaps im just never satisfied etc.
        He has been physically abusive in past, (detail removed by moderator), nothing since. Grabbed me, pushed me and dragged me onto a bed. That is when i left years ago. Now it is just mental, constant criticism. U till i told him i wanted him to leave.
        Then suddenly he is model husband and dad!
        Anyway thank you, i literally go round in circles in my head, it is driving me mad! Will stick to my guns and be free! Thank you for your support.
        Glad you got out! I bet life is SO GOOD! You deserve it! Love xx

    • #120926
      Trueblue
      Participant

      Thanks KIP. Yeah that’s exactly it, feel im not heard and have to be with him. I could afford deposit for rent. Yes spoken to solicitor. Got it all in place just need to action it. Hard when he is being so nice. But noticed he is following me around house and keeps commenting on how gorgeous i look and how he wants to have sex. Just weird as he hasnt taken an interest in me like that for years. I will call local womens aid tomorrow good idea. Was in touch with them before when i went. But the woman i last spoke to said we should have couples counselling, it made me doubt myself. All cos i said i was confused as he was acting nicely now i said id leave. Thanks KIP, keep you posted. Knowledge is indeed power x

      • #120938
        KIP.
        Participant

        The woman who told you to go to couples counselling is simply wrong snd it’s not what WA promote. He’s gonna try anything now to hook you back in but you know it won’t last. I must have tried to end my relationship hundreds of time. Each time backing down because of his threats and manipulation. He was never interested in my feelings and I learned to be helpless and depressed and trapped. In reality the door is there and you don’t need his permission to walk through it. Also having your feelings ignored and invalidated is very damaging mentally too. It’s intimate terrorism x

    • #120930
      Hetty
      Participant

      You know your truth. I’ve been where you are – crying myself to sleep, waking in a panic, wandering the streets on long walks thinking I’d never get away. Think of how you’re feeling as part of the process of detaching and considering your escape plan. Keep reaching out for support – friends, family, professionals. You’ll find a way but it’s a lot to process. Keep posting. We are here for you ❤️ I never thought I’d get out but I did. Took me 12 months of planning and thinking through but it meant when an opportunity came up I was able to get out. You must put yourself first. Abusive men only look out for number 1.
      As for the other friend. It can feel nice to have someone to talk to, to take an interest, ease what we are feeling. But remember you’re vulnerable and self care and healing needs to be a priority ❤️

      • #120946
        Trueblue
        Participant

        Thanks Hetty, it is so hard. Takes such a long time to detach, people dont understand.
        Well done for getting out and following your gut!
        He is trying really hard and is being so lovely, helping out and making me tea and food, bringing home gifts. Perhaps he has changed? He has never been like this before.
        Yes i must be careful, i feel bereft which is confusing me more, he isnt messaging me as he doesn’t want to speak to me while im in same house still as we were developing feelings. But going from messages and chats every day about everything to nothing has made me so sad. I am so vulnerable you are right, i need to learn to live alone and love me. This is how i got in this mess. Thank you xx

      • #120962
        Hetty
        Participant

        I wish I could say they change but in my experience they don’t. They keep mr nice guy up for so long but sooner or later the problems return. It’s love bombing. I went through this cycle for years. My ex did make some very small changes – generally stopped pestering me through messages when I was out but the name calling and emotional abuse always came back. The rages were still there but stonewalling increased. Sometimes it looks like they’ve changed but they continue the abuse in different ways, in my experience.
        I can see why it hurts to have that type of communication with your friend end. It’s escapism when in a horrendous situation. Seek out friendships that will nurture you and not want anything in return (possible sexual relationship etc). I’m not saying that’s what he was hoping for but just be mindful of the motives of others xx

      • #120976
        Trueblue
        Participant

        Yeah this is it, he has over time made small changes but still comes back to being critical and just non helpful with the kids. I just keep thinking dont abusers discard you, he hasnt so maybe its me?!
        Anyway yes it was going that way with my friend and im so vulnerable, i shouldnt be pinning hopes on him to save me.
        Thank you so much, so hard to keep talking to friends who can only hear me say i want to leave so many times. Feel desperate! Just want him to say he will go. Xx

      • #120987
        Hetty
        Participant

        I wasn’t discarded and I literally prayed he’d meet someone else and have an affair. Truth is I was still serving his needs, nothing more. Plus I think he felt he was getting a bit too old to be starting over so he wanted to sit pretty. He has discarded plenty women over the years though. I’m no better than them but I think he’d just grown comfortable in me earning a decent income AND doing the lions share of house/kids stuff. I mean what’s not to like about that right?! He could rest and nap but I was lazy, he could go to bed ill but I couldn’t cope with life, he could plan his weekend how he chose but I had to cook and clean. Xx

    • #120978
      KIP.
      Participant

      He’s going nowhere while you’re there to be abused. They tend to discard us when they have someone else lined up and we are onto them and their games. They just look for another vulnerable victim.

    • #121552
      Newyear2021
      Participant

      I’m feeling trapped I keep saying I’m going to leave all I get is if you leave your ex will be dead and I have kids with my ex

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