Still in shock and in love

[Hoohaa1]

Hi nice to meet you. I’ve just finished a (detail removed by moderator) relationship with a man i loved like i never thought i could. At first he was really insistent that i go on a (detail removed by moderator) trip with him. He had offered to give me a lift to the (detail removed by moderator) after meeting him that day at the end of a (detail removed by moderator). On the way to the (detail removed by moderator) he asked me to go on a (detail removed by moderator) with him for a few days before i needed to be home. He was so insistent I gave in. I had always wanted to go on a (detail removed by moderator). I did not listen to my intuition and found myself travelling with him. He bought vodka and beer and i got very drunk, as i usually do and he basically did what he wanted to me sexually. I have low self esteem and have used sex as a way of feeling loved. It continued form there. And he took me to dogging carparks and we joined a swinging site. Apparently because i had told him a few things about sexual interactions it was me that egged him on and he used this to basically tell me it was down to me. I was the reason this was happening. (later on i found he’d been dogging before even though he pretended he had no idea about this lifestyle) I have a big problem with saying no and if i did say i wasn’t happy he would say i’d hurt him deeply and he only did these things because he thought that’s what i wanted. He accused me of being an alcoholic so i stopped drinking for 3 weeks. He then bought me a bottle of wine and said he wanted the old me back. Basically i’m an alcoholic when he doesn’t get what he wants but wants me to drink so he can do what he wants sexually when he wants. anyway a lot more things have happened and i’ve finally split with him. The thing is i still love him, he is the first man to look after me and show me what i thought was real love. If this was happening to a friend of mine i would tell her she is being abused but i feel i let it happen. When i finally said no properly he said he didn’t want to lose me and would stop but couldn’t see how our relationship would survive without the debased sex. He knows everything about me and i know very little about him. I think he has problems from his younger life but he would never admit it. He has gone and i don’t think he will do anything bad but i can’t be sure. How can i still love him and feel like i was the one that started this. I know the relationship was not right but i can’t seem to let go.

[Eggshells]

Hi Hoohaa1

Welcome to the forum and well done for posting.

Auriel is right. This is trauma bonding which does feel like love. If you google “Trauma Bonding Betterhelp” scroll down past the adverts then click on the Betterhelp link, it should take you to a really clear explanation of how trauma bonding works. It is to do with the way the female brain releases hormones when receiving support following a trauma.

Trauma bonding is very powerful. During the abuse (in this case maybe the Dogging) you release cortisol as a stress hormone. After the incident, you go into the reconciliation and calm phases where the abuser supports his victim. In this phase, the victim produces the feel good hormone, dopamine. This release is what bonds the victim to the abuser and it does feel very much like love. This confuses the victim into thinking she is in love with the abuser when she is actually trauma bonded to him.

Please do have a look at the website I’ve mentioned as it also gives a really clear explanation of the cycle of abuse. When you read it, I think a few things will click into place.

The time immediately after leaving an abuser can be the most dangerous so please be on your guard. When you are trauma bonded, it can be really hard to stay away, even when you know that you must not go back. If you haven’t already done so, please block him from everything and maintain a strict no-contact policy.

If he manages to contact you, ignore. He will bombard you with promises to change, threats, apologies, admissions that he was wrong to treat you the way he did. You name it, he’ll throw it all it you.

Sadly, he wont change. If he manages to woo you to go back, he will quickly start to abuse you again but next time it could be even worse that it was before.

[givemehope]

I feel like this too, how can I adore a man who destroyed me? I want to hate him I really do. how do you stop the cycle when you have children with them

[KIP.]

Absolutely zero contact to begin with givemehope. Use a third party for all contact. Keep a journal of his past behaviour. Educate yourself on trauma bonding. Coercive control. Have a look at n********tic abuse too.

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