Still Living with my Fiance – What Next?

[Strawbay]

I have been with my Fiance for sometime and should have realised early doors that he was not the right person to be with as I saw him being abuse once to his ex and also during the early stages of our relationship had a fight with a member of my family, but I guess I was blinded by love. We have continued to argue and on some occasions him get physical where I have tried to defend myself at the same time but things seem to be getting worse. He seems to think it’s more so since the boys have come along and that’s why we constantly argue. He also says that things that I say to him makes him angry and sometimes physical although I have said no matter what I say he should never get physical. During (detail removed by moderator) so I told him I wanted to end it and that we would have to sort mortgage etc out, this did not go down well as a close family member of his was ill at the time. I could not bring myself to support him due to him getting the wrong idea so would go out with friends just to escape. His close family member died whilst I was away on business but he didn’t want me to come back. Since I have been back he has been on and off daily one minute ok the next minute he would flip with something I had said to the point where he grabbed a knife and held it over my head whilst I was stopping him from using it. He also said don’t go to sleep as he may use it. I was so scared but really didn’t know what to do for the best. He apologised later the next day and said he went to far but wanted to frighten me as nothing he said was working. The kids have heard him arguing with me and also throwing things around when he is angry. I want to move out but feel trapped and don’t know where to turn. Plus I don’t want to upset things more for the kids. My feelings went a while ago but he can’t understand why even though I told him that I’m fed up with arguing/fighting etc. I just wish things could be simple and he would move out until I had somewhere else to live as I don’t want to stay where I am. Any advice would be appreciated , thank you

 

 

 

 

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Strawbay, your partner sounds extremely dangerous holding a knife against your head and making threats.
Your first priority is physical safety for yourself and your children.
Please call the police immediately.
His threats and actions are very criminal, please call them and report him and have him removed from your house. If they don’t remove him right now, pls do leave the house with your children and valuable documents, phone& charger. Go to friends/family/neighbour/shelter/refuge but do not sleep anywhere near him, I am concerned about your life. Believe his threats.

An abuser doesn’t like a simple and quiet situation and will create as much trouble for you as he possibly can and he certainly won’t leave voluntarily your home.

Call the helpine on here tell them what happen and get a refuge organised asap.
Your safety is your first priority, once your are all physically safe, you can think of your next steps.

Keep posting and keep safe

[Hetty]

This man is very dangerous from what you’ve said. Holding a knife to you. His risk is increasing. Speak to the police ASAP and do what you can to get away from him for your safety. Whether that be get the police to get him out or get out of the house yourself with your kids. Whatever you feel is the safest option. Speak with WA. Your safety and the safety of your kids is paramount. Please don’t wait for him to hurt you.
Don’t talk to him about your plans to end the relationship or ask him to leave. He’s dangerous. You can’t have an adult rationale discussion with him and from what you’ve said he will do anything to scare and intimidate you.

[Fudgecake]

I agree with the advice already given. It’s time to get out before he escalates things to the next level. What is he going to do next to frighten you? I think he’s done enough already. If he’s holding a knife to you, the intent to use it is there regardless of what he says. Get out now before it’s too late.

[Strawbay]

Thank you all for your advice. (detail removed by moderator) I called the police as he came in and started to cause trouble again,although now I feel really scared as to what happens next. The police are going to call me to see if I want to press charges, and I know this sounds stupid I really don’t know what to do for the best. I keep thinking about the children and how angry he is going to be when he comes home. Any further advise would be appreciated, thank you

[KIP.]

Press charges and get bail conditions to keep him away. This is your chance for space. To get the help you need to stay safe x

[KIP.]

Tell the police everything he has been doing to you. Make a full statement. He is not your responsibility. The very first time he abused you, he gave you permission to walk away. Abuse always gets worse.

[Strawbay]

Thank you Kip. I’m just concerned that if I do then he will lose his job and would then not be able to get a mortgage as we currently have a joint one. Feel like I will be trapped if this happens. Although I am scared about seeing him again. I have tried ringing women’s aid but they are really busy.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Please please follow KIP’s advice.
You need to think of your safety first.
ALL else comes second. Who care about payments right now.
There is a solution for everything, you can call for advice and sort out housing and finances once you are safe.
If he looses his job that’s great news, he will be in a weaker position and will have to worry about that.
Please think of your safety first.
Keep safe, strong and keep posting

[KIP.]

Do not worry about him. Pressing charges doesn’t mean he will get convicted but it will mean you will get the chance to get outside help and space to put something into motion. Unless it’s extremely serious his work probably won’t find out. And unless it’s extremely serious I doubt he will even get a custodial sentence. What he will get is held accountable for his actions. While he keeps getting away with it, he will get worse. You need to protect yourself. Get yourself safe first then sort out your own finances. He should have thought about the consequences before he kicked off. I didn’t regret reporting my ex. I only wish I’d done it sooner x take the advice from the many women on here who have been through it. Abuse thrives on silence x

[Strawbay]

Thank you again for all your advice. Currently I feel safer as he cannot come into any contact with me or where we live until he has to answer to bail in a couple of weeks. I am looking at getting an injunction out as I feel much safer knowing that he can’t come near me. Has anyone experienced doing this themselves? I tried going through legal aid but they have quoted me nearly 5K which was a shock. Apparently when declaring capital you have to mention children’s saving accounts to which I was surprised at. Any information or guidance would be appreciated, thank you.

[KIP.]

Ring the helpline on here. They can give you more information. My understanding is you can apply for a non molestation order and it’s free if you’re a victim of domestic abuse. Mackenzie Friends or Citizens Advice are a good help depending where you live. Your local women’s aid can also help you and often have access to charities or funding. The easiest way for me was to press charges and use bail conditions in the meantime. This ways is the simplest for you are backed up by the police and courts. If you need to get your own restraining order it’s quite stressful. You also need to add a power of arrest so if he breaks it you can have him removed. Get the names of the police officers involved and keep any paperwork you can get for your non molestation order application. You can also apply for an exclusion or occupation order through the courts which might be better value as he won’t be able to return to the family home. Mine said until the divorce and finances were sorted. So that gave me the time and space to get divorce. I think the £5k is based on him opposing the order. My ex did and if he’s got money he can drag it out and ramp up the bill. Therefore using the police and courts is by far the best way in my opinion to go. Make a full statement and you’re more likely to get bail conditions. Make sure you have support from your local women’s aid and victim support x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi yes the legal aid amount is awful but you don’t pay for it as such. The lawyer puts in place what is called a claw back which means once the property is sold that is when they get paid. Financially it’s messy but living with an abusive person is worse. The affect it has on our children long term is inconceivable. Try and take a step back, once you’re out of the situation it will get a bit easier. Also get as much legal advice as possible. Go with who you feel the most confident with. Initially for me because I don’t have any money, it’s all tied up in our house, the amount involved scared me. But because I’ve been away from him for a while I feel I’ll be able to cope with the next stage. It’s only bricks and mortar. A home is what is made with love and happiness. Better to spend x amount to get him out of your lives. Your moment will come, keep reading and posting. Knowledge is power.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Strawbay]

Thank you for the advise. (detail removed by moderator)

[hop]

You’ve done amazingly strawbay, I hope you’re so proud of yourself. Don’t think about how it will affect him. He made his choice and he chose this route. He just never thought you would. Keep moving forward. You’re amazing! xx

[Author]

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