Still love/care about him so much despite physical/psychological abuse

[gettingtired]

Hello all,

I never really viewed myself as a victim of physical abuse. Or a victim at all actually. I don’t know if I can fully accept it even now since realising what’s been going on and joining the forum/reading books.

At worst in the past I’ve been whacked, thumped, shoved, dragged across the floor, locked in/out of rooms, had things kicked/thrown in my general direction, had my arms/wrists squeezed so hard it left bruises and the worst incident of all a pillow held over my head (I dont believe it was to actually kill me.. I don’t believe he is that evil??) but it obviously freaked me out.
Some of these incidents may have only happened once before and are not a regular occurrence at all really. In fact some feel like a distant memory and that he isnt really capable of that but still.. not exactly a normal or nice way to treat your partner.

The problem is I have unfortunately lashed out at him (with smacks or shoves) before when I have felt like I’m losing my mind so I have been physically abusive too.

Alongside this, emotional/psychological abuse and manipulation has always been there looking back I guess. The scariest tactic which hasnt happened for a long time was him (detail removed by moderator). So messed up and embarassing that I was frightened.

My problem is I still love and care about him so much the thought of leaving him is heart wrenching. In fact it is an unbearable thought. He’s the only partner I’ve ever had. I am so used to having him there to talk to or just be around. But what makes me feel worse is what will happen to him.. how he will cope, if he will be suicidal/even more depressed/accidental OD (he uses drugs/alcohol).. He is so much more dependent on me so it will be awful for him. How will I ever not feel bad for him??? The only tactic I can think is whenever I think of how loving and kind he is to think of all the nasty things he has said and done. That is exhausting though.

I am so exhausted by all of this.
He is pressuring me into moving very soon. I know I cant go through with it but I dont feel I can go through with leaving.

I know I need to start getting a grip and I’m annoyed I have chosen this stupid way of life but here I am. I (detail removed by moderator) yet but after the past few days I look ill and this is probably ageing me.
Sorry to ramble. Hope everyone is as well as can be x

[KIP.]

Hi there, you’re defending youR abuser which is so very typical of victims. Imagine him doing these things to your mother or sister or friend. Have you googleD trauma bonding? It was what really opened my eyes. Have you thought of some counselling to work out why you feel so bonded to a man who deliberately hurts you? Abusers push us to react and they enjoy it when we do because then they can twist it and use it against us. It’s terrifying the tactics they use and counting down like that would provoke such fear and he would have enjoyed that. My ex could give me the most deadly stare and I would be petrified. Just a look. It’s not embarrassing it psychological terrorism. Don’t underestimate the effect this has in controlling you. You’re stuck in a fog of fear, obligation and guilt. That’s how they trap you. He’s absolutely not your responsibility. He’s an adult and perhaps you would miss your ‘normal’. Which is what we do as humans we miss or normal. Even if that’s terror and dysfunction x

[gettingtired]

Thanks KIP. Yes I know I could do with some counselling but have other stuff I’m dealing with at the moment and dont feel I can take it all on as weak as that sounds. I know there are women who have no choice but to be stronger than I can bare to be.
I have googled trauma bonding but I still cant accept that he doesnt actually love me and enjoys those things. I’ve never seen him ‘happy’ or pleased with what he’s doing. Just thought he had serious mental health problems/anger issues/I’m lart of the problem.
He is generally kind, thoughtful, affectionate, blah blah I know all of them have nice sides (else we probably wouldnt have started the relationship ship) but I just cant see it yet 😔
I feel bad because I know there’s women in far worse situations than me and I feel like I’m not being adult enough about the situation x

[Beautifulday]

@gettingtired

Its like you wrote my life!
Like you my H has been physical but this was more at the beginning of the relationship, after a few years of being together the physical stuff stopped and it turned to more emotional, i think its because he felt he had me by then and changed tactics, I think he was also seeing how far he could push me.( trigger warning) The worst things he did were strangling me , I dont think ive written this before on here but he strangled me, (detail removed by moderator), walked off as if nothing had happened, I had marks all over my neck (detail removed by moderator) and remember the next day trying to cover them up for work, these (detail removed by moderator) incidents feel like a distant memory and he’s never done it since BUT I know he’s capable and im constantly on edge thinking he could very well do it again. I was also back handed in the face (detail removed by moderator)when we argued, (detail removed by moderator). I was dragged off the bed by my hair, kicked out of bed numerous times, he smashed my (detail removed by moderator) to bits, he broke the (detail removed by moderator) of my new car in a temper. Threatened to smash up my car, has recently threatened to smash up the house.

He threatened to put me in hospital so many things, BUT I was so blinded and I honestly believe he stopped the physical stuff as a tactic , in a way he showed what he’s capable of so never cross him in future or else!!!! Whenever I’m doubting myself as horrid as it is I try to replay those things im my head over and over and I think no someone who loves somebody does not do those things! A normal person does not do those things

[gettingtired]

Sorry I’ve only just replied @beautifulday. A lot of the things you describe have happened to me. He’s also tried to deprive me of sleep by continuously putting the main light on so I cant sleep or threatening to take the duvet away. Just horrible and so unbearable trying to deal with it at the time. I’m afraid I have lost my temper before and lashed out at him which is also awful and makes me feel like I’m abusive/toxic. I hope you’re doing ok at the moment xx

[Beautifulday]

Recently when I asked him about those times where he had hurt me he replied saying I had attacked him fust!! I never did. He also denied a few saying he couldn’t remember and I was making them up, again gasligting making us feel crazy !these men are the worst people ever

[Tracker]

Same here my ex was physical at the beginning when I were still a child basically. I was away from my home town, newly pregnant and isolated. He would lock me in the house and slap me, bite me, threaten me with a baseball bat every day near enough for a month til I managed to tell my friends. However I regretted telling them as I had to go home but I was so smitten our relationship continued for another (detail removed by Moderator) years on and off.
Since that time many years ago he has been physical very rarely so I thought I werent getting abused. Then only very recently when he left me yet again for someone else I realise he werent a normal loving partner.
He were threatening, deceitful, always agitated with me, manipulative, selfish and even though he didnt control my finances he drained my income through his constant borrowing and sponging of me.

Hes been gone nearly (detail removed by Moderator) months and at first its struggle. You find it hard to cope at times, you feel like your life ain’t worth living and you cant carry on but you can. It gets easier. Distract yourself with work or hobbies. I still miss him sometimes and it is still hard sometimes so when it is I come on here to gain more strength. I look at the positives.
If I can do it you can too.
Dont worry about him, he is making you think he couldn’t cope so you stay.

[gettingtired]

Thanks @Tracker, how awful what you went through. You describe it so well. Mine is the same in that although he doesnt control my finances he sponges off of me and doesnt think it’s a problem not paying me back for months on end. I’ve still got a long way to go. Glad you’re out of it and hopefully much happier x

[KIP.]

Take a look at trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance x

[Author]

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