29th December 2021 at 9:33 am #136192StuckinturmoilParticipant
My husband has been yelling at me and flying off the handle all over Christmas. (detail removed by moderator) I made an appointment to see a solicitor but at the last minute I cancelled. This wasn’t because I was backing out. I just couldn’t cope with dealing with it at that time as was trying to study for an exam and it was all getting too much.
(detail removed by moderator) we were walking (detail removed by moderator) he was slightly behind me I suggested something that he didn’t like and he screamed at me so loud I felt myself cower. He has never actually hit me but he has grabbed me and dragged me on occasion, I must be scared of him as I felt terrified and I was shaking, I turned to look at him and the anger in his face it was awful. He is just so unpredictable. He booked a day out on Christmas Eve for the family which he knew would be something I wouldn’t like but I had to do it because it paid for it when we were getting ready to go there he started screaming at me in this vicious nasty anger.
I just need to know is this abuse? Or do we just not get on – either way it’s not a good relationship and I know I can leave whether it’s abuse or not but it’s just such a mess. I am worried about being on my own I don’t get any family support I’m worried about Managing the children on my own as they just ignore me if I tried to tell them what to do probably because they’ve seen him do the same to me but in my heart I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this constantly on edge and wondering if the grass will be greener maybe it on this occasion it will. Maybe I’ll meet someone who doesn’t scream at me until I’m a shaking nervous wreck maybe they won’t put down everything I do whether they won’t make fun of me in front of others and in public. I don’t want to leave my nice house I don’t know where to begin.
29th December 2021 at 5:27 pm #136220LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for sharing what’s going on for you at the moment, I can see it’s a really difficult time and just wanted to offer some support.
You’ve asked in your post if the behaviour you’ve described from your husband is abuse and the answer is that, yes, it is abuse.
Control is often at the centre of an abusive relationship and perpetrators behaviours will often have the aim of control and dominance over their partner. From what you’ve described, it sounds like this may be the case in your relationship.
You might have a sense of walking on eggshells or not being able to predict your partners mood. He may create ‘consequences’ if things do not go his way, or you might feel that it’s just ‘not worth’ arguing your point or sharing your preference in certain situations. Abuse escalates very gradually over time and is often minimised or unacknowledged by the abuser, leaving us questioning or blaming ourselves for what’s happening.
It’s not okay to scream and shout at our partner, to frighten and intimidate them, or to physically assault them in any way. You don’t deserve any of this and it’s not your fault.
It’s good that you’re reaching out for support with this and I’m sure others will be along to offer some advice soon.
Take care and keep posting,
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