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Hi, this is my first post here. I left an abusive marriage several years ago. I understand that part of it was definitely abuse. He started out being initially very charming then slowly emotional, financial, physical and sexual abuse started creeping in. Our relationship moved very fast and he managed to convince me we were soulmates. We moved in together quickly and married a few years later.
His behaviour followed a very typical pattern, he isolated me from my family and friends, undermined my hobbies and interests, and so on. He became increasingly angry and jealous, and yet turned everything around so it was my fault. For example I endured constant sexual harassment from him and sometimes I’d lose my temper when he wouldn’t leave me alone. Then he’d storm out of the house until I apologised. I’d say that I didn’t know what was wrong with me and he’d tell me I had anger issues and was incapable of love. Obviously he wouldn’t let me see a therapist about my supposed anger issues!!
But I know all that was abuse. There are parts that I am still confused about, which still hold me back.
When I finally left him, though, everything changed. Instead of being domineering, mocking and powerful, he turned into someone who seemed — dare I say this — abusively depressed.
Now, I really really don’t wish to discredit serious mental health issues, I’ve suffered enough myself. But he absolutely INSISTED that he had no reason to live without me, that he was going to end his life (this was always a threat), that I was dancing on his grave, that he knew I’d go and live happily ever after but he’d never love again. He made a point of all the money issues and work problems and health problems that he had after I left him.
Worse, he repeated over and over and over that he knew I’d go live a perfect life even though I’d destroyed his. I tried to stay friends with him for years, trying to coach him into believing he could have a happy future and that I was just one person, and of course he could love again. I spent years just trying to be there for him, trying to help him out of his depression. I did feel so guilty. He DID stalk me and he DID assault me and I DID have to call the police, but he’d always show up apologising and asking to be friends again, telling me that he had no-one and I’d taken all the joy away from him and he had nothing to live for.
Sometimes in those times he’d be almost scarily “nice.” Like he’d show up and bring me milk and do my laundry and ask how my day was. But all of that “niceness” was interspersed with this continuous attack, this string of derogatory names about how I’d selfishly destroyed his life, and his almost psychopathic obsession with this idea that I was living some happy life “so it was all okay.” If I tried to put up boundaries he’d completely freak out.
The truth is that I was very very far from being happy. Not because I missed him but because leaving an abusive relationship is hard. No-one believed me, I was a mess at work, I felt terrible in myself, I had job and housing and money and health problems, and all the time he was showing up reminding me that his life was far far worse and it was all my fault.
His jealousy was so at odds with reality. He thought that I was going to start dating some bodybuilding multi-millionaire or something, when in truth pretty much nobody would go near me because I was a dysfunctional mess. Instead of moving on I felt horrible and pathetic. I felt so guilty and ashamed and confused.
I guess what I still feel is that I’m ashamed to move on, I’m ashamed to be successful and confident. It feels like he’d win, like it would somehow prove everything he ever said right. You know, that I had abandoned him and I was the person at fault and he did have every right to feel neglected.
So how much of this is abuse and how much of his behaviour is the ordinary depression of when a marriage ends? Was he being abusive in those post-marriage years or was he being nice and supportive? Was it my fault?
If not, why would he say all those things? Why would he make such a point of trying to make me feel so guilty? But if it WAS all abuse, why didn’t other people in my life give me any support?
It was such a horrible time, I felt like the worst person in the world. I felt so alone and unworthy of anything. I still do.
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Sorry, just replying to my own message here. Over and over he’d say things like, “oh you deserve the life you always wanted and clearly I just got in your way which is why you left me.” I have thousands of self-deprecating emails and messages from him along those lines. Every single one is about how I left him because I was so ambitious and incapable of being loved??
Like… umm, no… he tried to kill me, sexually assaulted me pretty much every day, mocked and belittled me, cut me off from my friends and family, stole all my money, destroyed my car, sabotaged my career, called me names, threw away all my clothes, spread lies about me, and refused to talk to me like a grown-up for more than a decade then still expected me to drop everything at any moment and constantly apologise to him for the rubbish life his own bad choices left him with?
How am I supposed to deal with it if someone’s beliefs are so far away from mine? Which one of us is right?
Sorry, I’m just feeling really alone right now.
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Hi I’m so sorry that you have experienced so much abuse and for such a long period of time. time. I wonder whether you have considered trauma counselling? There is so much of your experiences to make sense of and find a way through it all. Putting these thoughts into words is a brave start and finding someone or somewhere where you can slowly start to work through this might really help. Just keep posting if that’s all you can manage right now. Everyone here understands including how alone we often feel when we are dealing with the impact of abuse.
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I’m sorry you have had to deal with this.
I haven’t managed myself yet, but going no contact is apparently the only way to truly start healing from the abuse. He still has a hold over you, it’s probably trauma bonding. There lots of vids on youtube on it.
But i felt the same about family and friends, i thought they must have let me down. But really, abuse is such a complicated thing and hard to recognize even for us, let alone to outsiders. So it makes sense that they probably just do not understand what is going on.
Theres alot of support here x*x -
Hi SurvivorOne,
Welcome to the forum.
There isn’t anything normal about the way this man behaved. The only thing that I can say is that his behaviour is normal for an abuser to try and make you feel like this.
There are some really good books on abuse that are often recommended. I havent read it but it sounds like “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft might be a good place to start.
Also as Livinginhope suggested, counselling might also help you to move forward.
You have been conditioned to take blame and responsibility for his life. He is an adult and you are not and never have been responsible for his happiness. But you are responsible for your happiness. Please don’t allow him to control you anymore. It’s not easy to put an abusive relationship behind you but just by posting on the forum, you have taken a very brave step forward. Try to keep going now.
Most areas have a self referral scheme to IAPT. It might be worth googling to see if your area has this. If not, your GP could be a good place to start.
Moving on is easier if you have support so please keep posting whenever you need. Also if you have family or friends who you can confide in, then please do.
You’ve been living with the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) of abuse for far too long. His problems are not and never were your fault or your problem.
Its time to focus on you now.
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Hi SurvivorOne,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
Hi SurvivorOne,
You have still struggled even after the marriage because he has continued abusing you. It is not your fault. He is in the wrong. Sorry to be blunt, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he has moved on with his life and had other relationships/victims while he played the victim in front of you. Everything he tells you is to prevent you from moving on. It is to keep you broken and under his control. He poses as your friend, but man is he playing mind games!
Move on and prove him wrong! Not right.
Sounds like no contact is the way to go.
I’m so sorry you have experienced this. I hope for true freedom. This man is a wolf in sheeps clothing. You haven’t been supported by the people around you because he can put on a show and he has discredited you. But you are not in the wrong. He is the abuser. I hope you get the support you need xx
Be careful, he sounds dangerous. He won’t like losing control over you. We are here for you, you are not alone xx
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