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    • #72553
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      Hi ladies
      I know I’ve said before that after reading etc I can clearly see the reality of the situation and I have no doubt that I have been a victim of emotional, physical (although once a year, maybe longer between episodes) and verbal abuse.
      We are separated now, house is going up for sale and we are both done.
      The thing I am really struggling with is that although I know I was treated and certain way, I find it hard to believe that elements of it were intentional…e.g. gaslighting or crying to manipulate me in to staying… is he really such a monster?
      It’s hard for me because even my family keep checking I’m sure and imply that I’m making a mistake. I’m having counselling and have good friends who are very good at helping me see things for what they are – as well as all of you – so I do my best to ignore the doubt my family put in my mind xx

    • #72554
      EbonyRaven
      Participant

      Sadly, as much as we’d like to believe that these things weren’t intentional, most of it was.

      My understanding of it is that sometimes they don’t have a ‘plan’ as such, and the behaviour isn’t exactly pre-mediated, but they have learned that acting in certain ways gets certain responses, so that’s what they do.

      They have little or no real empathy, and the things they do are focused on getting what they want and need, whether that’s hurtful to us or not. So they don’t really care whether their behaviour is hurtful, and just do it anyway, without thinking of any consequences for the person they are doing it to.

    • #72557
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      Hi EbonyRaven
      It’s funny you should say this because my ex actually admitted he has never really felt bad about anything or like he needed to change his behaviour…. until this time of course (which I do not believe)
      Xx

    • #72559

      I would agree with EbonyRaven, even years later I still find it hard to accept, some of the things that happened to me.

      It is difficult talking to people – not least because it is actually very scary to accept the reality of what they did, scary for some people. Scary enough that a wall of denial comes down and because they can’t or don’t want to face it, they pretend it didn’t exist.

      And the really difficult bit is, unless we are all going to give up the ghost as it were, the likes of us have no choice but to look it in the face and figure out a way of dealing with it.

      IT may not help at all, but there is a saying which goes ‘God chooses the strongest soldiers for the toughest jobs’.

      I’m often at a loss to know or understand why we were given these jobs, but I do know that for many people I have even told the half of it to, their jaws drop, either in disbelief, or simply shock that someone could be so cruel.

      For others, sometimes they have got angry on my behalf, or acknowledged the cruelty of it, which kind of helps a bit, as at least I have known that they feel enough to feel something about it.

      It is not a path we have chosen for ourselves, but it brings wisdom, and in the end I hope a greater compassion for the depth of people’s suffering. Because we have been there.

      thinking of you
      ftc
      x

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