This topic contains 18 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Stay or leave 2 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #102250
     Stay or leave 
    Participant

    Feeling strange today.
    I want out but no strength to leave. I am unsure what to do. Somedays I feel happy and most days I feel uneasy being around him. His drug abuse is just so much to take. Someone he knows that knows everything said to me that they are sorry I have had to go through what I have. And what hes put me through is awful
    I live pandering to his needs
    He dont support financially as all his money goes on drugs. I have no say. If I do speak up saying we need anything he goes crazy saying Im money orientated and are obsessed with what other people have got. Always moaning like a s**t wife does. I just want happiness I know I wont get it with him his life revolves around drugs. I darent speak when he has none.he is unapproachable
    He dont eat or sleep the whole house atmosphere is ..I cant explain it. No one wants t0 live like this. Im miserable.

  • #102263
     HopeLifeJoy 
    Participant

    You don’t have to live like this darling. Tomorrow morning you contact Women’s Aid at 10 O’clock sharp via their chat and see what options you have and ask their help for a plan and exit strategy. Having options and possibilities laid out for you will revitalise you and give you strength. Keep posting

  • #102269
     Stay or leave 
    Participant

    I have been going to leave for a long time. I once suceeded for a while and got brainwashed into taking him back
    I went through all that for nothing to be back to the start.I cant call no one with him listening. I once rang before. He has rights too and its a complicated situation I am in. I dont know what to do. I just tolerate his drug abuse its become normal. He has the worst mood swings ever. One minute really nice. Then once the drugs have run out he is the nastiest person ever. He screams at the kids. Its unpredictable. If I dare to say dont shout at them because you have no drugs he hits the roof hurling abuse at me. Its mental torture. He also loves a show for the neighbours to let them know he is boss of me. He raises his voice so loud even with doors shut the street can hear. The atmosphere is bad for the kids. I often think if he moves away I will have a peaceful life. I dream of moving away far away from him
    I cant bear to sleep with him. He always wants to when hes been on harder drugs. He is frothing at the mouth and sweating. He makes me feel physically sick. I lie in bed hoping he doesnt come in. He sleeps on the sofa most nights. I make excuses up and he leaves me alone.
    He was not like this when I met him. I used to love him. He has changed and so have I
    There is nothing there anymore. I dont like confrontation. I need him to leave me. He wont whilst I put a roof over his head and run round after him.
    Im in a sad lonely place. I know I deserve to be happy. Do I risk losing everything I havw to get away from him?

  • #102270
     Stay or leave 
    Participant

    My mental health is not good at the moment. I have bottled up so many things. I keep a secret from him. He had a bad childhood in terms of physical abuse. I had a traumatic incident as a teen. Me and my friend were preyed on sexually by her relative and his friend. I dont think I will ever trust a man again. This makes me stay with him too. I have trust issues with anyone. I am very shy. I like to work people out before I trust anyone. I lay awake in bed thinking of how I can change my life. My friend after the incident has been physicalky abused by men all her life. I am mentally abused and its taking its toll on me.
    I cant be bothered to brush my hair. Im exhausted with no energy. My kids are not getting my 100% mummy self. I am doing less with them as I lack energy.
    I hope I can fix this life.

  • #102271
     KIP. 
    Participant

    You need help to fix this. You need to reach out to local domestic abuse charities and the police. Drug use is not an excuse for domestic abuse and child abuse which is what he’s doing. You need to build a support network round you. Let the police and the domestic abuse charity help you out here. You can go into a refuge or you can get legal help to have him removed from the home. Abuse always gets worse and your children witnessing this are victims of child abuse. There is a chat line on here if you can’t get time to ring someone and you can also report domestic abuse online. I made the mistake of staying thinking the nice man I married would return but he never existed. He was a mask that my abuser wore. The real abuser is a nasty controlling selfish individual.

  • #102286
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Stay or Leave,

    I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through and how you’re feeling at the moment.

    As KIP says, there is support available to help you with this. Do you think you would want to consider refuge accommodation? Refuge is safe, confidential accommodation for women and their children fleeing abuse. Yours and your children’s safety and mental health are the most important things right now, and it sounds as if the abuse is getting worse and completely obstructing you from getting support and coming to terms with traumas from the past too.

    You do not deserve to be going through this. As you say, he is not going to leave and he is not going to change.

    Please consider reaching out to a support worker, either via our live chat, or from your local specialist domestic abuse service. You can find your nearest service here.

    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

    Take care of yourself.
    Lisa

  • #102310
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi there, I too couldn’t do the basic of basic self care, slept on the couch as soon as I got up. I looked like the proverbial bag lady. But I’m nearly a year away from him. It’s not been plain sailing, there’s been contact on his side not mine. I know he’s toxic, bad for me. But I’m slowly moving on.
    IWMB 💞💞

  • #102315
     Stay or leave 
    Participant

    I have a person I confide in. They keep reassuring me its going to end soon. I want to plan to leave. I think it through in my mind. My friend tells me to do the no contact leave. I just need to save the money to go. This is going to take months. I am aware of the impact its having on all of us and I am trying my best. I dont want my kids to go through this. I know I can get us all out one day. I dont want to take my kids to a refuge I will be able to afford my own place away from him soon. His family and friends have no idea. One passed comment once saying what is he doing with her. Meaning me. I was shocked. I am different to them because I dont do drink or drugs.
    I feel weak one day strong the next. Today has been a good day.

  • #102411
     Stay or leave 
    Participant

    Well done for getting away. You must be strong. I have been naive to think he loved me. He only loves himself. I often wonder what I can do. An amicable split going separate ways is for the best. Counting the time down.

  • #102412
     Stay or leave 
    Participant

    Well done for getting away. You must be strong.

  • #102884
     Stay or leave 
    Participant

    I am sleeping in a separate area of the house. He is lying to family saying we have had a minor dispute and im holding a grudge against him!. He was verbally abusive today. I cant repeat what he said but the kids heard it along with the neighbours. I have taken photo evidence of damage to property he has done. I got so angry I threw something on the floor in the room I was in. He returned and threw something at me. He calmed down and apologised. Hours later he went to get drugs. He had no drugs this changes him. I started to blame myself thinking did I push him to do this. Then I told myself no. I am counting downthe days until I am out of here. I confided in my 2 people closest to me. They both said the same that I have been unhappy a very long time. One said if he does it again I must call the police. Why do I care he has nowhere to go? Why do I feel bad i am putting worry on the people im confiding in. Mentally I feel stronger. I am not weak. I have a plan to get out of all of this. I will have peace. I will save my kids from an upbringing with a monster like him who is nice 1 min nasty next. We dont know where we stand with him.

  • #102885
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Don’t wait to ring the police. Do it now. You’ve been brainwashed by this man using fear guilt and obligation. FOG. The fog of abuse. He is not your responsibility. Your children are your responsibility and drugs don’t cause domestic abuse, the abuser chooses to abuse you. The neighbours can back up your story. He will always put himself first, and you will always be second place to a drug addiction anyway. Time to get him out and make your home safe for you and your children. It’s child abuse at the moment. He will lie and try to paint himself as the victim, but you know the truth. He will try to discredit you so that when the truth of his abusing is revealed he hopes he’s painted you as the abuser first. I know it’s scary to ring the police but this man will get worse. You need help to get out of this situation. Ring women’s aid for support x you can do this. These men always land on their feet. He’s not concerned about the harm he’s doing you and the kids. The very first time he abused you, he gave you permission to walk away x

  • #102902
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi there, it’s good to hear that you have a plan now. Its all about the baby steps. you care because you’re a nicer person. Trauma bonding, some refer to it as Stockholm syndrome, is hard to ignore. Read up on it, know thy enemy as the saying goes. These men will never admit the real reason behind you are separate, not speaking or whatever. A huge weight loss, it’ll be because his doctor told him he had to lose it not the fact you’ve left. Sleeping in separate rooms, it’s you punishing him because of a ‘minor’ incident in his eyes. Not losing face is his only desire. You’re so right, you didn’t cause this, he has. And everything that happens in the future is down to his abuser of you and your child(ren).
    You have people who know what is going on, who’ll give statements. Its finding your enough is enough moment, and everyone of us is different.
    You can do this💜💜
    Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

  • #102961
     Stay or leave 
    Participant

    I am getting stronger. I have my plan in place. My friend said even before the drugs in the equation he was still horrible to me. Its like a bad dream.and i keep waking up. Then he has me under his spell again. Once lockdown is over. Its over. I have faced the truth he is brainwashing the kids into thinking im not intelligent. The only lack of intelligence is putting up with him.
    I have been treated unfairly and been a slave to him. My friend says dont leave the house because he will squat and i will be expected to pay for his roof over his head. My plan is to move out short term and then move back when hes gone. My other option is to leave and never go back. But my house is near kids schools I dont want to move them schools. I dont know what to do. I have enough money to leave short term.

  • #102987
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Kids can go to another school, some ladies have to move areas and countries to escape. Thinking these thoughts is part of the process of leaving. WE put up the reasons for not leaving much of the time ourselves. Is there anyway you could change the locks when he’s out but move in with a friend or relative so you don’t hear him. The only unintelligent person here is him. He’s underestimating you big style. Thinks you’ll put up with his behaviour forever. It’s lazy of him to think this way, believes he’s untouchable and entitled to be so. He forgot to be afraid of YOU. You might think I’ve gone crazy writing this, but bear with me. He is so entitled in his way of thinking that the thought you’ll ever leave him just doesn’t register. His fear of losing you, his supply,isn’t there. While he’s being abusive his fear of being abandoned isn’t there. But he didn’t count on your fear of living like this forever. When you’re more afraid of that, than leaving the relationship, then you’re ready to move on. Baby steps, know who’s there to help you, reach out to WA, your doctor, the police if you can. We’re all terrified of doing that, I filled out a disclosure form(Clare’s law) eventually. Was advised to have nothing to do with him, leopards don’t change their spots and that he’s a very dangerous man. At the moment he’s not showing me him at all, but I know he’s there.
    Stay strong, keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power.
    IWMB 💞💞

  • #102991
     Escapee 
    Participant

    If you need to speak to police etc but are having trouble as he is always around, you could go to Boots for some ‘hayfever’ tablets……Boots are using their consultation booths for DA victims to call support agencies. Just ask at the pharmacy counter.

    Good luck ❤️

  • #103055
     Sungirl 
    Participant

    Keep reading and posting on the forum as I myself have found it so helpful, and helped me to feel much stronger. Get stronger each day and think about your kids and what is best for them as well. You can do it. Also call the Women’s Aid helpline they can advise and support you.

  • #103057
     Stay or leave 
    Participant

    Its such a big step moving kids schools. I dont think I could put them through that. I was thinking about how I could pay him out to get rid of him. I then think he would only go temporary if I did that and be back to pester me. I think if i raised the money he would still refuse to go. I dont want anything to do with him. Maybe selling the house and starting again is my only option. I think about the first time he went crazy with me. Why did I feel so trapped to stay. He did it twice I felt lonely like I had no one vut him and put up with it. It wasnt violence it was emotional and verbal abuse. Childish tantruming. I am wiser and stronger. Concious of his behaviour. Not got my head in the sand. He borrows money from my friends for drugs. They know what its for im ashamed. He has stolen from me. I feel so stupid I brushed it under the carpet and let it go. I cant have nothing unless I hide it. Its no way to live no trust. He drains me emotionally. I often hope he would go cheat on me or leave me. He wont accept its over. Seperate bedrooms. Different life choices. We are different in every way. He thinks he is smarter than me and gets worked up if I am right and he is wrong about anything. On the occasions I go out he often disturbs me phoning asking how long I will be. I am just a convenience to him not a companion. He didnt want one of the children and believes I trapped him. Every argument he brings up he didnt want children. Its all my fault. Less money…the children everything is my fault. He made me cry for weeks once because he made the choice not to but the kids what they needed. I overcome the obstacle and went back to work and got my own income so I was less reliant on him. Its one obstacle after another. My family and friends dont like him they hate how he treats me. I think why am I complaining? They try to work out solutions and offer to help me any way they can.

  • #103853
     Stay or leave 
    Participant

    Today I feel stupid for not making the last time i left him permanent.
    He is making out im a c**p mother…dont feed my children right accused me of hitting one of the children when no such thing. All infront of visitors and for the neighbours to hear. Screaming and shouting at me from the moment I open my eyes. Saying I put him in a bad mood. Begging me for money for drugs what I will not hand over. Asking my family to lend him money. They do it because they feel sorry for me and know if he dont get his supplies he will be in a bad mood with me.
    I dont know how much more I can take. Im stressed and miserable. Fed up of moaning to my trusted person. I am just waiting for the knock at the door to say hes been reported. I go out to get away. I have suggested he was to leave and go stay somewhere else. He errupted and its mentally draining. He says im the awful person threatening him with the roof over his head. He says he dont want my money. He goes to town. When im in this frame of concious mind….he panics. He knows im fed up of taking his rubbish. He knows I want him gone. Hes feeling threatened. He will be nasty for another 2 days then nice for 2 days. Its like a cycle. I dont know 1 day to the next. Walking on egg shells. Blaming me for his moods. Its me who is upsetting him…he thinks. Dee0 down i know he is a nasty nasty person and with a drug habit on top it is 100 times worse to live with. My children ask why dad is in a mood. Why is dad being mean. Dad says you have upset him.
    I need away from him for good for me and my children. Counting down the months till I go.

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