Still trying to control

[bubbles]

Hi guys
I need some advice regarding CSA etc. It’s been a long time and I finally decided I would put in for a divorce while I was doing that I put in a CSA claim too. So I message him to tell him about the divorce and could he sign the papers as soon as and get them back to the court. He said fine to which I was overjoyed.

A few hours later I received a message from his girlfriend. We know you’ve tried to claim CSA so I would like to make you an offer. We decided to give each child £50 a week on a prepay card. This will be coming out of my wage since he’s not working but he wants to see exactly what it’s spent on and this way he can cut it off if he feels it’s unnecessary or not being spent on the kids.
I work hard and allot, my kids get more than what they need. So here’s my points:

1. Why is she paying? she has 3 kids of her own
2. Why offer more than they have to?
3. I work hard and kids get everything so what if I used whatever he gives me to spend on me? My kids are still getting looked after!

So I said no i’d rather get base rate CSA and know it’s coming and spend it on what I like. She said he’s planning on telling CSA he will only pay on prepay cards as he has a right to see what I spend his money on. Will they go for this? or refuse him?

I feel like honestly screaming at her get out look what he’s doing to you but I can’t lol. She has aged so much since she’s been with him and now she’s having paying for his kids too!

Thanks
Bubbles
x

[KIP.]

I read online that using these prepaid cards was a scam if someone tries to give you a refund this way. I would push ahead with CSA. She is not your problem. You need to concentrate on you and your own kids by keeping it official and I would also ask her not to contact you again. Don’t know how the scam works but perhaps these cards are paid on stolen credit cards. Or credit cards that she will never be able to repay. Just guessing. That poor woman, just goes to prove how lucky you are to be out of that relationship. Remember these men are liars. You may even be implicated if it’s fraud by accepting the cards. No way will they propose this to the CSA.

[bubbles]

Hi KIP
I didn’t know that thanks for the answer!

I’m concerned what he would do too. He asked me to put money in the account too so he can see what is being spent on the kids as a whole which he can control, close down and withdraw as he pleases. He says he needs to make sure his money is being spent on the kids which annoys me greatly as I would never see my children without and their extra classes alone cost more than what they’re offering! Plus the fact I solely have funded the kids pretty much since we broke up.

The nerve of the whole thing has left me a little annoyed TBH I’m just curious as to what CSA will come back with now as I know nothing about him like where he works or if he works. The whole thing screams control freak and there’s usually a backlash when he doesn’t get his way!

[KIP.]

Just re read your post “she said ‘he’ would only pay on prepaid card because ‘he’ wants to see where ‘his’ money is going” Sounds to me like ‘he’ is working after all 👏👏👏
They are all liars, don’t let his words upset you, that’s his intention, don’t be bullied by him.

[bubbles]

His girlfriend said she would put the money in I just say him because this is clearly his plan and doing “get one girl to pay the other girl and let me have control over the whole thing”. Just goes to show how bad things are for the poor girl! I think with the amount offered I could get a good pay out from him. Trying not to get my hopes up though before I would have been happy with base rate I don’t want to raise my expectations, mentally spend the money and feel let down.

[Serenity]

Hi Bubbles,

If he intended to pay you regularly and the right amount, he wouldn’t have a problem with you going through the CSA.

The reason he doesn’t want you to is that, somehow, he wants to turn the situation to his advantage, whether that means lying to you about income, using a dud card, or missing payments, or even lying to the powers that be that he’s paid you more than he has.

My ex says he didn’t want a divorce- though he’d left already. When I told him I was divorcing him, he got threatening, and one of the first things he did was threaten to not give me or the kids a penny in the future, that he would be disappearing.

He was trying to pressurise me into a deal whereby he would win and I would lose. As if I was stupid.

What they don’t like is things being formalised and official. They want things to be informal and flexible- so they can continue to manipulate you just as they did within the marriage/relationship.

They see the world as some massive playground where they can take advantage of people as and when they like. Well, as adults and as part of society, and as parents, they need to conform to some basic moral rules.

The best advice I got was to formalise everything- child contact, child support- everything. This gives them less opportunity to abuse.

No doubt he is so arrogant that he thinks that, even now, he can pull the wool over your eyes and manipulate you. You may be kind, but the new Bubbles isn’t naive!

Using his girlfriend to contact you is a low, cowardly and manipulative tactic.

x

[bubbles]

Hi serenity

There’s no child contact as he is deemed unfit to see my kids by social services I am very lucky in that respect 😀 . He used to go see them on their birthdays but even that’s dropped off over the last couple of years as he will “come when he can be bothered” (his words). Now they are getting older they would rather eat paste than see him.

We had a cash payment before that was also from her pocket well that’s what I was told but he gave it to me (guilt tactic maybe, you’re taking it from her?) didn’t last long. The week before christmas he cut it when I asked him where my money was he said they were going through a tough time so went out drinking and she left her purse in the taxi. They didn’t have a penny over xmas so needed my money they had safely stored at home! Then he went on to say “and you’re not the type of person that would want to see her kids go without at christmas are you?” PFFFFT

It would last a month if that he’d say he didn’t like how I was spending the money or something cropped up and they couldn’t pay! I just know CSA give an option now of how to pay and he doesn’t need to have that type of influence over my life. If he chooses the direct pay if he can’t do the card thing he’ll default pretty soon and I can get them to take the payments.

I thought CSA must have contacted him already for him to make the offer which was fast but I got a welcome letter today so I don’t think they have unless he thinks I will pop it on the court forms for the divorce and he’s worried what I will demand.

I’d rather accept the base rate and know it’s coming than take 100s and get it cut when i’m expecting it. Plus through CSA I don’t have to deal with him anymore it’s like pulling teeth!

He always said to me like yours I won’t give a penny because I don’t want you sitting pretty I want you to suffer for leaving. In truth I feel guilty claiming like I have no right because I don’t even see the kids as his anymore! Just reading the reviews on the card and it doesn’t look good x

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