Stonewalling

[Macarena]

Hi all, I finally plucked the courage to write the following and ask for your kind words. Deep down, whatever is going on in my relationship, I know is wrong, but I feel unable to move on, and at times, I’m absolutely desparate.

Not long ago I had a baby with my partner. I remember vividly when my baby was only few weeks old when I called a friend over to come hold the baby for me so I can shower and eat. My parner was in one of his angry moods where he won’t speak to me for days on end, completely ignoring me and the baby. This has been happening repeatedly since, quite few months down the line. Few times, whilst arguing, he’ll be holding the baby and using him (like not giving him to me when he’s visibly distressed by it all) so he can prove his point to me. He’ll often follow me into the bathroom or toilet and pesters me when he wants to be heard but when he gives me the silent treatment, I’m absolutely invisible.

For background, my partner has been somewhat physically violent towards me in the past – pushing me around, restraining me, blocking my way when I try to leave the house, damaging my property and once pushed me out of the house, over a flight of broken steps, when I was heavily pregnant. He hasn’t done anything physical for a while but the emotional stuff are just unbearable.

When he’s not like this, he’s the most loving, gentle and thoughtful person you can imagine. He’ll run to the shop at midnight when I have cravings, he’ll rub my feet in the evening, he’ll run me a bath or look after our baby in the early mornings so I can get a twenty minute lie-in or so. I believe he loves me and cares for me, except once or twice a month when he doesn’t and I care for our baby and the house as if I am a single mum.(detail removed by moderator)

He believes I’m wrong to share our ‘relationship problems’ with friends, calls me crazy and insist I created an abusive relationship. Yet, every time the silent treatment is over, he does all the things he’s good at – buying me flowers, making me dinner, etc. which melts my heart and I can’t resist and forgive him.

I have wanted us to split for ages and I ask him on a monthly basis but he refuses to leave. When I say I will leave, he says I always say that (in addition to my baby, I have pets, I left my job and my family lives abroad, so you can imagine how difficult it is for me to actually physically move on). If I get really final, so can he and he’ll cry and tells me how much he loves me, etc., and the whole cycle repeats itself.

What taunts me the most is the drastic extreme from the super affectionate and nice him to the cold, ignorant person he can be. I often feel he punishes me for feeling a certain way (often angry or upset with something he’s done) by stonewalling me. I can’t be sure so any perspective on the above is most welcome. Thank you!

[Grey Rock]

Hiya.

What you’re experiencing is the typical cycle of abuse. It is crazy making and soul destroying. There is lots of information about this cycle if you Google it, and this might be useful for you. Also Dr Ramani YouTube videos. Be careful that he doesn’t see that you’re watching or googling this stuff though. They don’t like it and can up the ante when they realise they’ve been seen fir what they are. Have you spoken to Women’s Aid at all? Their support was invaluable for me personally.

Take care.

GR

[Twisted Sister]

Hi

This sounds so hard to deal with, alongside coping with a young baby. You used the words yourself of the cycle. It is a cycle, nothing gets resolved he just spins from one to the next, mr nice guy, to mr perpetrator again and again. There’s no reasoning, and the ‘nice’ stuff can be just as abusive as the mean and negative stuff, because it messes with your head and tries to coerce you into a sense of all being ok again, when clearly its far from ok.

Its not possible to be in a ‘relationship’ with such a person, as what you have is not a partnership, its all about him, and your life being run by his rules, depending how he feels on the day, or whether he’ll accept that you might be happy or sad in a day.

This is so hard with ayoung baby to cope with too, and you need to find some strong sources of support, tell only those you trust 100% to prioritise your safety and secrecy, and who will allow you to make your decisions as and when you need/want to,or ready to.

take care of yourself and your baby xx

[Shoop]

So sorry you are experiencing this, sounds pretty similar to my own life. Read up on the cycle of abuse and trauma bonds there’s lots of great podcasts on Spotify which have helped me loads by being able to notice the tactics he uses. I hope you and your baby find happiness 💓

[Anonymous]

Agree with above it is a cycle of abuse that goes full circle , you never know from one day to the next what personality or mood they will be in . I’m worried reading your comments as you have a young baby to think of , that is physical and mental abuse you are enduring and what if one day his anger lashes out on your child . This is not love scattered moments of happiness or pleasure your receiving at times his in a good mood . Please think of your child’s well being and your own , this is no life to bring a child into or witness. Your life is your child , please read on cycles of sbuse and seek out support , take care xx

[Whatarollercoaster]

I do feel like reading my life in your post here. So similar. It is awful what he’s doing and in my opinion it is abusive. We always second guess because we care for them and try and think of how many good things they have done, but really where is the line? We are scared of change because it’s quite scary to just start over. I’m in the same position. My family lives far away and I can’t just get up and leave. Or maybe it’s just me not being brave enough?
Hopefully you will get there too. I do wish you all the best. Just know you are not alone.
X

[Macarena]

I just wanted to thank you for writing to me. I’m reading and re-reading all of your messages, and I wish you knew what it means for me that somebody cares.

I find myself not checking the forum when things are good between us. Incidentally, he’s been absolutely amazing last couple of weeks, letting me rest and taking care of our baby. But (detail removed by moderator), he’s like an absolute wall. And only because, (detail removed by moderator). He’s been angry, catty and avoiding talking or looking at me since. I’ll make meals and clean as usual, he’ll consume and litter just to annoy me. Apparently, (detail removed by moderator). He’s been ignoring me since.

(Detail removed by moderator) I thought I won a little victory as he said he’ll move out. Then, of course, he changed his mind. He’s just refusing to leave. He said he prefers if baby and I go but every time I say I’m looking for a place, etc., he becomes super nice. We are joint tenants on this property and I have no idea how to move on without his knowledge or if anyone will rent me a place or if I can get a mortgage, given that I left work. I’m so, so desperate. Has anyone got any success stories with housing, please?

(Detail removed by moderator) police said they can investigate historical (physical) abuse but unsure if this will help. Sometimes I think it’s like my only ammunition but the idea it’s all going to become really ugly from now is beyond painful for me.

I admire everyone’s strength on here. I used to support people experiencing DA in some capacity a while ago and I still can’t comprehend where I’m at. Thank you!

[Author]

Posts