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just getting this off my chest really , don’t know if it reasonates with anyone but it’s a behaviour my ex used to to do that always struck me as strange before I knew I was experiencing abuse.
i have a very specific trigger around passive aggressive anger. Stuff like random outbursts, banging around , people ranting under their breath . I really struggle to be around ‘game raging’ for example.
I do understand that anger is human, people have trauma of their own which is just as valid , sensory triggers and their own bad days which can provoke a reaction. I regulate myself enough to allow for everyone being human and don’t expect everyone to tiptoe around me; but Im never going to feel comfortable in a room where there was constant very aggressive screaming with no underlying cause if they had capacity to manage it .
My ex was VERY loud , sometimes I do believe that wasn’t malicious. He would however frequently have shouting outbursts that seemed to be an attempt to try and get my attention (only when I was working/taking some quiet time and specifically in a way he knew was triggering) . The first time I asked him to keep it down I was trying to work from home , he just started scresming and swearing to himself about (detail removed by moderator) out oh nowhere and I lost concentration. He said it was just the way he was and I took it as a personal attack and was making him out to be an abuser. I’d literally just asked him to keep it down.
he didn’t acknowledge how it made me feel but took offence to what he thought I wss implying about him, which made him double down on his right to do it. He‘d have daily screaming outbursts at the tv when I was trying to work ( I’m a (detail removed by moderator)) and insist he couldn’t help it so it’d be my job to try and shush a screaming man, (detail removed by moderator) and try to keep my own nervous system in check .
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I think this depends on context. In every home I know, people regularly scream, shout and cheer at the tv if watching sport or competitions. It’s not aimed at anyone else in the house. Equally I know people who express anger or become very distressed at a difficult message they have received. I think we have all done that. I am used to noisy households with lots of children shouting whilst gaming or getting excited at the tv or playing music.
But if your ex’s anger was aimed at you or was deliberately done to disrupt you then that is quite different. Also if it was just one element of a generally aggressive personality, and there was other behaviour going on that was abusive, then in that context it could be intimidating.
It can also be v difficult living in a noisy environment when trying to work . I am glad you have now moved on and can have peace.
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