Stress levels rising

[Theydeservethebest]

Hello to all. I hope everyone is coping 💐
Yesterday I was offered refuge that would have started today but I couldn’t swing it to go. My partner last night laid down the law about my behaviour and said although he’s not angry I need to change. For the sake of the kids I’m just agreeing with everything. I can feel the tension. He’s started love bombing the kids especially the eldest and the poor things are lapping it up. One of them is being rude to me but I know it’s not their fault. I’m worried the love bombing is working and it’s a ploy even on a subconscious level to make them favour him and me look like the bad one. Obviously making it harder to leave. Seeing the kids thinking he’s a hero is actually almost worse than seeing him be nasty.

[Anonymous]

Hi there….was just wondering why you couldn’t swing going to the refuge? What happened?

[Theydeservethebest]

I haven’t got a car seat for one of the kids but it’s ordered. I didn’t have my documentation together and I don’t have any transport. Add to that I have an elderly dog my partner hates so o can’t leave her. And he’s refusing to go out and not working so it just wasn’t workable. It also seemed so fast, I only found out about it yesterday part of me was scared and part wishing I was there now.

[KIP.]

The longer the kids are exposed to his manipulative behaviour the harder it is for them to get back to normal. The dogs trust do take dogs free for victims fleeing domestic abuse so into that. We also have a pet foster service locally it’s a fantastic charity for victims and also people who have to maybe go into hospital and cat afford an kennel etc. So while he’s on his honeymoon you take advantage and make some more plans. He’s playing at father of the year be he probably senses you getting stronger and pulling away.

[Theydeservethebest]

I’m actually speaking to a very helpful person from refuge at the moment. Hoping I can find the nerve to get this done.

[KIP.]

It’s the indecision that causes the anxiety. Once you make that step your headspace frees up to get on with looking after you and the kids. Under the current circumstances if you get offered a place I’d snap it up.

[iliketea]

Wow, I think these men must be doing an online course in real time. Mine is doing exactly the same right now. And it has made me feel exactly the same! I haven’t been brave enough to agree to going to a refuge because of lockdown but have found elsewhere. But like you don’t have a means to get there, and feeling challenged by the practicalities of actually doing it as he never goes out or plans to so it would have to a literal spur of the moment flee. BUT feeling exactly the same as you. My heart is racing non stop. He’s being measured. Suddenly doing lots around the house, doing everything for children, even home-schooling which he hasn’t shown any interest in until now. BUT all the time either ignoring me or making quiet snide comments. It’s so scary. And manipulative.
Sorry a personal splurge but trying to say you’re not alone, stay strong and you will know exactly the right time. Keep posting. X*x

[Theydeservethebest]

Oh no I’m sorry you’re having the same thing. It’s horrible isn’t it, I go from nausea at being stressed to angry that I can see what he’s doing and when it works for him with the kids it’s infuriating. He’s heard my child read twice ever and done literally no school work with him. Ever.
But super dad allows unlimited screen time with no restrictions. Big bad mummy doesn’t.
I know I can parent better if it’s just me. I’m just telling myself that I’m a few months I will have done it. We will be in a different place. I wish I was braver I would just do it but I’m scared to cause hurt. But I suppose he knows this and it’s a great tool for him. I am not the first to go through this with him and probably not the last. I stupidly believed him about everything. A very tiny plus to this is that the stress is causing a little loss of baby weight ha. Although now that’s been noticed the jokes about my secret boyfriend have started. It’s like they have a script in front of them.
Anyway I’m rambling. I’m sorry you’re in the same boat but I am right there with you! We will get out and be happy xx

[Theydeservethebest]

I’m at work and was just thinking. For a while he’s had a clear favourite with the kids. And one of the others has not had the same attention. I’ve mentioned it to him before. Now I’m saying he’s love bombing the kids but I’m reusing he’s not he’s just doing it to the one he isn’t usually as attentive to. So his usual favourite (female) is now getting less. Maybe I’m thinking too deeply but I’m wondering if it’s a version of what he’s been doing to me. Give and then take away. I’ve been sent some details of options I will be looking in depth tonight and coming up with the start of a proper plan.

[Wants To Help]

Well done you, that’s great news you have a refuge place in the pipeline and are willing to go. I had a great experience with mine, God knows what I’d have done if I’d not gone.

I had to roll my eyes when I read that he’s told you that you need to change! Really?! Why do you need to change and not him? Of course, these men really think that they are so perfect and can’t possibly be wrong about anything…

Keep your plans in place and look forward to the changes and being in charge of your future. I hope you find somewhere you can take your dog along too. I had to leave my cats behind when I fled, I felt so guilty about that, so I do understand you not wanting to leave your dog behind.

Keep us posted and I wish the best of luck with everything x

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