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    • #66801
      thistooshallpass
      Participant

      Today is a bad day. Things were getting better – but that never seems to last. When our daughter was (detail removed by moderator) I was unwell and struggling with full time work, all care of our daughter and on edge around him. He had become physically abusive and I think he knows how bad it was as he agreed that I could move back to (detail removed by moderator) with our daughter for support and he would stay in England for work. He phones me every day and is extremely manipulative and stressful but I have the physical distance between us so things feel much more manageable. He has seen us a handful of times in the time apart.

      This evenings call he has just demanded I book our trains down for festive season. I feel so anxious – I don’t want to spend Xmas day with him alone and on edge – it is breaking my heart to think of my daughter having such a lonely day when she could be here surrounded by family and love. What do I do? If I say no it will create a storm. He will go mad – perhaps even feel like he has to assert control and start to demand I move back. Feel so stressed. All the horrible feelings are coming back, anxiety, no appetite.. he is hundreds of miles away and I am still on edge.I still feel so controlled by him. I hate that I feel like I love him, but it is a numb love.

    • #66803
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Don’t go thistoshallpass, he sounds pretty scarey, I wouldnt risk your safety and these guys are prone to ruining special occasions.As far as I know this is because the focus is not on their needs its about other people too!god forbid other folk get to have fun. Hes actually stressing you on purpose. No 1 hes emotionally blackmailing you in that you know he will say your wee one will have a better time around more people ie his family. Not necessarily as he will probably loose control at some point. no 2 your daughter will be safe with you and that is whats paramount,she wont be at risk of witnessing his abuse also. no 3 he is actually suggesting physical/emotional abuse if you don’t do as he says. Hes pushing you to test the boundaries. This is controlling and coersive behaviour. This is illegal now. The plus side is you live in another country, you have physical distance. I know these men get into our heads because they condition us to think like this. We end up living in fear inside our own minds.

      My advice would be read why does he do this by lundy bancroft its a pdf file. It will open your eyes,look up the grey rock technique,and trauma bonding. Keep a journal of what you feel,what has happened that day, text wise phone calls etc . Tell your GP how this is affecting you and your child, get some help from womens aid. Its time consuming but worth it for peace of mind and once you understand whats happening you’ll feel stronger in dealing with all of this. Once you know where your at legally youll feel better.Also you can then get arrangements more set in stone. You have the choice to go no contact get a third part to deal with him to take some stress off you. Stress is so detrimental for us. I hope you get through this 🙂 in the mean time this is a great place to get support x*x DIY 🙂 i hope i havent bombarded you! 🙂

    • #66804
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Try and be objective. You are away from his daily control🙂 he is ‘demanding’ you go down for the festive period. Turn it around, talk to your family first before you decide anything though. He is not the boss of you. IF you want to see him over the festive period you do it on your terms. You have family around you in (detail removed by moderator), what’s to stop him coming up here for a few days. I wouldn’t go down tbh.Would you be allowed to return home?? You say if you dont go it’ll create a storm and he’ll go mad. He can demand all he likes, have someone beside you and you tell him, you’re not going down, you’re not prepared to put up with his behaviour anymore.
      I know its the hardest thing in the world being assertive with someone who scares us so much, my problem is i am assertive but get accused of answering back, not shutting up. but you have a child to protect to. You have to be the responsible parent. Only you can decide thistooshallpass. sending blessings and sackfuls of strength.
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #66816
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi there,

      Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

      You have described feeling anxious, feeling on edge and that those horrible feelings are coming back. This is a red flag and it doesn’t sound safe for you to go back. It sounds like you are worried about his reaction if you say no.

      Its important you get some support with this. You can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Calls are answered by trained female support workers. They won’t tell you what to do but can talk things through.

      You could also contact your local domestic abuse service for support in person.

      Take care and keep posting

      Best Wishes

      Lisa

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