Struggling

[Anonymous]

Really struggling.

Partner is working from home, days can go by and he’s barely said 2 words to me, however despite this I’m walking on eggshells still, trying to go about my days as normally as I possibly can.

(Detail removed by moderator), start chatting a bit more and, before I know it, I’m getting sly little comments which are just downright hurtful. He portrays them as a joke but they knock my self-esteem which is at rock bottom anyway. Then he scrabbled to try and fix it but can’t help himself but say something else nasty – I queried an event we’d discussed a few weeks ago that I’d been looking forward to and he said he didn’t remember saying it and, if he did, he was “probably p****d”. I said it was (detail removed by moderator) and he just repeated the same thing, like he was proud of it! I hate to cry infront of him, mainly because he hates it, but I started and I’ve just had to walk away. As I walked off he made some under the breath comment about this not being a normal relationship and I’m sat here thinking whose fault is that.

I feel like I cannot try any harder. It’s wearing me out. I’m a shadow of the person I was, the first comments he made were in relation to my changing appearance. I just feel that little by little I am being destroyed and destroying myself by not asking him to leave. I wish I had strength.

Sorry for the meandering, just had a bit of time on my own and had to vent x

[fizzylem]

Hey, you sound worn down and worn out. Dealing with the virus and all this brings on top of what you’re already going through in this relationship is hard to bare. He knows what he’s doing doesnt he, trying to tare you down. This man is not a friend, kind, a support, fun to be with or caring is he, so don’t listen to what he says, he’s not a reliable witness and can’t be trusted x

[KIP.]

It will never matter how perfect you are or how much you try, he will always move the goal posts. The aim of his game is to wear you out, to destroy your self esteem and confidence because it makes him feel good. He has no empathy, he doesn’t care about your feelings and he won’t change. Instead of trying to work on his behaviour, work on your own health and make a safe exit plan. This is a time when you need a supportive caring nurturing partner and abusers are simply not in that category x

[Anonymous]

Thanks fizzylem and KIP for your replies.

I guess I have an advantage that he is in my house, paying nothing towards the running of it. He will not get out of my life easily though, I know that.

Goal-posts, expectations, boundaries, plans all change constantly, even simple comments that are then denied ever having been said. I know it is wrong but I just can’t seem to say enough is enough. He triggers me CONSTANTLY now with little things that used to not bother me as much, I guess that shows how much he is wearing me down. I had been feeling a little stronger before this virus situation, annoying.

There’s always the inference that everything he does is “trying to do the right thing for you” but when I walk away after things he’s said it’s obvious it’s never for me, it’s selfish for him.

Thanks again ladies, let’s see what today brings x x

[Anonymous]

I’ve just realised something – I have lost all concept of what is truth and what is fiction. This is why my head is all over the place all of the time.

[hop]

Hey THTKs it will be harder to make him leave during the quarantine I’d expect but you need a plan to get rid of him. I wish I could say that the concept of truth and lies and not knowing would be easier to rid yourself of but I think that this is how they mess us up for the rest of our lives. Take care sweetheart. I’m so sorry that you’re stuck in this position with him without a minutes peace xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you freedomfries, thank you for your message.

I’ve got away from him in the house right now as I just couldn’t bare hearing his voice on the phone doing work, it’s horrible hearing him be kind and caring and speaking to other people in the way in which I surely deserve to be spoken to.

It’s soul-destroying knowing it will be so hard for him to leave during this crisis. I can’t even begin to try and imagine what it might be like in a month or 2’s time.

It’s made me cry, what you said about the truth and lies, as I honestly can’t see a way forward out of that feeling. I’ve always been quite an insular person, not in a bad way, but this has just made me even less trusting of anyone. He just doesn’t see that he’s made me like this – or he does and won’t admit to it. Even that concept I can’t get my head round. What a horrible thing to do to us, to human beings with feelings. x x

[hop]

I’m sorry for upsetting you honey that’s just my experience. I just know when I’m anxious or put on the spot I can’t even pick a chair to sit in in case it’s wrong…….he knows what he’s doing. If he can be nice to other people then he knows how to do it. He chooses to put you down so you know your place. You definitely deserve love, affection, kindness and safety in quadruple doses. Nobody deserves to feel the way you do. They have us so flustered just try your best to keep your truth. There was once just before we split up he said ice cream had no fat in it. Normally that kind of b******s I’d agree with whole heartedly but I couldn’t….that’s one of the most vivid memories I have of when we were together because I wouldn’t agree that there was no fat in cream 🤯 craziness

[Anonymous]

They’d argue white is black and black is white!

Before he was working from home, when it came to the time he’d be back in the door, I would struggle to know what to do with myself, how to sit, what to be doing to avoid criticism or sarcasm so I’m totally with you on the chair thing. I suffered badly from OCD as a child and it has brought back, in the last couple of months in particular, a lot of those traits which has frustrated me no end.

They can definitely be nice to other people. Sometimes I feel he rings someone (usually a female friend) and purposefully speaks nicely to them just within earshot of me. I had a terrible panic attack after one of these incidents (detail removed by moderator) and all I got was (detail removed by moderator). I am learning to self-soothe when these happen now, I relied on him to help at the beginning of our relationship, that was silly of me.

Crazy-making, the whole thing. I’m so tired x x

 

[Anonymous]

Wow.

Just had someone who I thought I could talk to say to me that my problems are beginning to affect her mental health and how I basically just need to deal with them and get over them.

Just what I needed today.

[Author]

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