Struggling

[Alone]

I haven’t been here in a while. It feels like life just keeps throwing me into these situations!

Some may remember me, but for those who don’t – I was abused my family, bullied at work and found it difficult to get – I wanted to say ‘back on my feet’, but the truth is, I don’t think I’ve ever got back on them.

So, after all of the above, I met a guy. Took a long time to trust him but eventually we both opened up to each other. We have both been through a lot. We got to the point where I trusted him completely, in a way I never have anyone before. I felt safe with him. He would regularly go quiet though, which hurt, but I understood because of the things he has been through. Spent most of his life shunned and a loner, so sometimes being around people can be overwhelming, and he would need to recharge. I was understanding, and accepting. I just asked that he would let me know he’s okay so I didn’t worry.

But then I had a death in the family, and he would read my messages and not reply. I practically begged him to at least talk to me on the day of the funeral. He didn’t. It was months before I heard from him again. I was devastated. I get that some people can’t be around death, but that just seemed extremely inconsiderate. We reconnected, and things were great again. We officially got together as a couple, and started using the ‘L word’. One day he says he’s scared. I told him that’s okay, to just talk to me, and we can work out how to ease his fears. (detail removed by moderater) later, he sent me a message telling me he’s now with another woman. Whilst I was at work. Then blocked me. He destroyed me!

The woman isn’t even single, but every time he goes quiet on her, she chases him. I think he’s enjoying being chased. Maybe it’s an ego boost, after years of being treated like an outcast. Eventually, I got a message from him. He was extremely apologetic, promised he would never do it again, said his feelings never left, sleepless nights thinking about me and so on. I made it clear that the trust needed to be rebuilt, and he said he completely understands and kept apologising.

(detail removed by moderator) later, he starts going quiet again. So I asked if everything was okay? Told him I am here when he is ready to talk about what is on his mind. He tells me he is thinking of staying single. I asked if the other woman was putting pressure on him, and he said he wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. I asked if he knows I just want friendship, and not a relationship, and he didn’t answer – and instead blocked me again!

I can’t take it. I think he is playing some kind of power game. This is toxic behaviour. I want to be able to let him go, so that if he ever did try to come back I would have the courage to tell him he isn’t treating me right, that his behaviour is not okay and that I won’t stand for it. I had never been so happy or trusting in my entire life, but when this other woman came along – that’s it, nothing was same again. I just wanted to maintain the friendship, and I made that very clear.

I’m hurting so badly, I don’t know how to reconcile it all in my mind. This is clearly a type of abuse, and I don’t want to stand for it. My head is spinning and I can’t stop thinking about what he’s done and how cruel it is, and then I remember how sweet he was, and the fun times we had. I just want it to stop! I want him out of my head! I feel like I’m going to explode in tears. This other woman is married, and he keeps telling me she is toxic, so I did wonder if he is trying to make a good experience out of someone who is as toxic as the people he grew up around. I’m an extremely understanding person, but I can’t accept constantly being blocked! And being ignored when there’s an emergency. Which reminds me, I was in a serious accident and he knows it, and didn’t even reach out to check if I’m okay. And this is a guy who claims to love me? Tells me that I never leave the back of his mind?

HOW do you disconnect from these guys? Just how?

I have no friends, no social life. I work very unsociable hours in a job I don’t like, and so have no positive distractions at all. I have no time for anything between my shifts, so all my housework and laundry is squeezed into my days off. I’m not living, just existing. So it makes me miss him even more and I have nothing to distract me! I took today off work as holiday, and I’m just staring at the walls. I just want everything to change, and I want the pain of how he is treating me to stop! How do I get him out of my head?

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful angel … Alone,
Welcome back to the forum and well done for posting. It does help to get things down in words.
From reading your post it sounds like this is trauma bonding to me… google this if you are not familiar with signs and how it works. It does feel like real heart ache, but it is not!
It’s defiantly a red flag when a man has gone ‘quiet’ In my experience he has not gone ‘quiet’ he has gone somewhere else and you deserve much much more than this.
It’s also a red flag when you say this man wasn’t there for you when you were dealing with a death. Regardless of his issues what kind of a person does not step up when you are grieving, is this the type of person you want around you?
Your morals and standards are better than this and if you are in a relationship you need someone who’s morals and standards match yours.
Do not make excuses for him, we have all been through something but wouldn’t just desert someone when they were low and in need.
Reading you last paragraph tells me it is time to put some much over due love back into you. Start to take a look at how things could be different in your life and start to make some positive changes. They don’t have to be major just one small thing a day, but they do all start to add up to big change.
Start to make a list of the things in a job you would want and the hours and how you feel doing this. Start to notice what is good in your life however insignificant it may seem, it really isn’t. If you want me to help you break this down and look at it more closely, just send me a private message.
You say you have no friends but I am sure I am right in saying all the ladies on here are here to support and connect with you, so that’s a positive start.
You say you have no time for anything, could you play some uplifting music while you do your housework… make it fun and sing and dance while you are doing it. Or download some positive YouTube material and put your headphones in while traveling to work. I have audible and listen to lots of books while doing chores or gardening.
I would really recommend listening to or reading Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life, this will really help to change your mindset. Louise herself was a victim of abuse and went on to live an amazing and successful life and you can to.
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Alone]

Thank you for the reply. I read the info on trauma bonding, and you’re right that it does sound a lot like him and the cycle! After he was unsupportive about the death, I grew cautious with him, but then things got better and better. Then he was gone again. Then, when we reconnected it was amazing – the apologies were so sincere and with tears in his eyes, saying all the right words about sleepless nights thinking about me, that he’d made a huge mistake and so on.

The mistake he’s made in cutting me off this time is that he didn’t wait until there was something else to blame it on. Everything was great. And also, the trust hadn’t been rebuilt after the previous time either. He also didn’t leave it long, it’s the quickest he’s ever blocked me after reconnecting – so it’s like it broke me out of a spell!

I think he’s enjoying the control, enjoying having people chasing and wanting him, as he’s been alone most of his life. I always understood that’s why he needed space at times, but when it comes to serious events – death, hardship, accidents and so on – he should WANT to be there. I’ve always put my own things aside to support him when needed.

And since this new woman came along, he’s doing this to us both. We are both blocked at opposite times though, so he’s always got someone. I won’t be here if/when he tries to come back around though! And I’ve noticed that with both of us, he blocks us but always leaves one form of communication open. I think that’s for the thrill of being chased.

I’m still struggling though. I’m going through a hard time, and it’s making me want to reach out to him. I’m being strong and stopping myself though. He’s the first man I ever loved, the first one I’ve ever trusted. So it’s really hard to feel like I no longer have that happiness.

If the tearful apologies were fake, then this man has really missed his calling as an actor.

[Eggshells]

Hi Alone,

I’m so sorry to hear everything that you have been through. It sounds as though you have had a really rough time.

You are right when you think that you are describing the cycle of abuse. Recognising it is the hardest part. Once you understand the cycle it becomes easier to step out of it.

Trauma bonding can be very powerful. It’s biological and hard to break but you can break it.

As Darcy pointed out, self love is very important but it can take time and effort to learn to love yourself. Try experimenting with different things that help you to feel better.

Common boosters are music, walking in nature, keeping a pet, mindful meditation, watching a feel good film, sunlight or using a light box every day; they can all make a difference but you do have to make time for them all, which may mean planning your time.

Please block him from everything if you haven’t already done so. Leave no avenue open to him. This may mean changing your email address and checking all of your settings on social media and your phone. Again, this can take a while so you might have to plan it in to your week. I’m not very active on social media and it took me an afternoon as I had to inform banks etc of my new email address.

Moving forward isn’t easy, you have to be prepared to work at it but it can be done and is worth every ounce if energy that you put into it.

[Alone]

I’m finding it really hard to let go. I have moments where I know he has been cruel to me and that I should never give him the time of day again, and then the rest of the time I’m hurting like crazy and have to stop myself from contacting him. I know I would be ignored if I did, anyway. I know I can’t forgive him, but I find I’m aching for him to reach out and apologise. Maybe it’s because I have a meeting coming up that is making me anxious. He was the only person who really knew me, so could have helped me plan for it. At times in the past he would even remind me of points I’d forgotten, so I could raise them.

I have to head to work soon and all I want to do is break down and cry. I’ve returned after my accident, and they are being extremely unsupportive. A support plan was put in place, but is not being followed. I was told that I “look okay”. I came back to work earlier than I had to, because I thought they would be supportive in letting me work back up to my full duties! I feel like I’m being treated like the enemy. The worse work gets, the more I want to reach out to my ex!

I’ve gone my whole life without support. People have always treated me wrong. I’m starting to expect nothing else. But I’m now incredibly depressed. If I haven’t got work I don’t brush my teeth or hair, I don’t even eat properly. I’ll have things like crisps that don’t require me moving or making any effort whatsoever. I just want to feel better! I’m trying to make big changes in my life, as my living situation is not fit for an animal. So I’m alternating between working hard and crashing with depression. My GP has referred me for online CBT, but it’s subject to the same waiting time that therapy is. I haven’t been referred for therapy as my work schedule doesn’t allow me much free time at all.

I’ve never felt like this before. With him was the first time I felt like I was accepted, and was happy. He often pointed out how happy I looked. I have no friends, and I’m not close to my family. I really don’t feel okay

[Author]

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