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    • #131091
      Bubblegum.
      Participant

      Hi

      I have left and not feeling how I thought I’d feel, relieved, happy, exited about the future. Instead I dwell on the past, how it could’ve worked, if things were different and I really do miss him and the good times we shared. Really not sure how anyone gets over this? And if they ever really can?

      I want to keep my mind occupied and was wondering if anyone knew of any overseas volunteering opportunities? I’ve always wanted to do this and think this would be an amazing time do so, I want to take care of myself, get to know myself all over again and give back where I can. Meeting new people, being in a different place and helping others will really help me to push forward and see life beyond what I had! X

    • #131115
      Put the kettle on
      Participant

      Hi, it’s completely normal to feel like this. I expected to feel happier straight away and while things felt calmer I was ending a long relationship. It’s normal to grieve the end of a relationship, even abusive ones. Look up the trauma bond.
      When I left all the “happy” memories came into my mind but then I’d recall the latest incident and remind myself why I left. Something useful for me was to make a list of all the abusive things he did. It was a long list! I was surprised at how much had happened and I’d ignored/denied.
      Recovery and healing takes time and now’s the time to look after yourself and be kind to yourself

    • #131121
      Bubblegum.
      Participant

      Thank you for your kind words. I keep thinking about all the times I retaliated, I became a person I didn’t recognise. I think to myself I made matters worse, I said things I’m not proud of etc, makes me wonder if I have exaggerated everything and I’m the person in the wrong. I am feeling pretty hopeless right now xx

    • #131124
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      I do this, not overseas but honestly its been the best thing i have ever done i get so much more ojt of what i do than the people i look after ever could. Im still stuck in a mess with a nasty husband not able to leave yet but still volunteering really does help.
      Google local centres to you I am sure they will be able to point you in the right direction.
      For what its worth anyone who leaves to me are just amazing brave strong and incredable i cant imagine how much courage and strength it takes to leave so well done you,I think you are fantastic. X

    • #131136
      Put the kettle on
      Participant

      I too reacted in ways that aren’t me, i think a lot of us have. I remember saying things and at the same time thinking to myself ‘why am I saying this, this isn’t me’ I think recognising our own behaviour and wanting to improve is very good. I doubt you’ve exaggerated the abuse, what you may be doing now is minimising it as a coping mechanism, many of us do that and that’s why we fall into the trap of staying or going back. We remember the good times in hope of them returning to this great person but the thing is the great person isn’t real, the abusive person is their true identity. Have you looked up the cycle of abuse? He’s not going to change as much as you might want him to, abusers like being abusive. you’re not abusive or at fault, you were reacting to a situation to survive it.
      Have you spoken to any domestic abuse charities or your GP? They may be able to offer support too

    • #131140
      Bubblegum.
      Participant

      Thank you for the advice. In the end he acted really good about the split and didn’t cause any scenes which makes me think I will regret this, my head really is all over the place! I just cannot believe what is going on in my life right now, it’s very hard to cope with day in and day out.

      I really want to join a support group or have therapy, can you recommend anyone?
      Thanks

    • #131142
      Put the kettle on
      Participant

      I’d recommend your doctor as a first person to contact, you can request a female if preferred. They will have information on your local domestic abuse charities/services who will be able to discuss things with you and help you understand abuse. They may refer you to counseling if it’s available.
      You could call womens aid and domestic abuse helplines too.
      I personally think you need time and space away from him to clear your head and gain understanding.

    • #132246
      Milkshake@
      Participant

      I’m only recently out of my relationship – (detail removed by moderator), and it was a whirlwind relationship (detail removed by moderator).

      So I too have the same feelings – like if I hadn’t reacted the night that was the final straw would we have stayed together, would it have worked etc.

      But the other side of my brain is telling me that it would never have worked – him and his kids were against me all the time – that was never going to change – so if I put boundaries in place or saw any wrong in them he was on the defence and hitting out.

      Take the children out the equation and we got great, brilliant, romantic always touchy feely, telling me he loved me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

      But now I know it’s trauma bonding – which is really hard to get your head around – I’m still trying.

      But I also have a picture of the final night of where he punched me & I’m covered in blood – another great reminder that I did the right thing.

      My kids need me – alive.

      I’m going to go for counselling through my work – but your GP would be able to set you on the right path. My GP has been great.

      And keep using the forum – this has been a great help to me.

      Take care

    • #132248
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Hi Bubblegum,
      I was/am TOTALLY the same, before leaving I was excited, hopeful, happy, positive about leaving(sometimes still confused if he was being nice though, also feelings of guilt).
      But the reality was TOTALLY different to how I thought it would be I thought I would be relived. I wasn’t, I was shattered, heartbroken, feeling guilty, feeling afraid, a mess, confused, it was/is a real struggle.
      I have days when I miss him so so much, I minimize the abuse and just think how it could of been different.

      But after some time, I am starting to get that inkling of all those good thoughts I was expecting. I think we have to go through a mourning process. After all we are loosing someone we loved, bad or good to us, we loved them. We had a relationship and a life with them. So we need to process that, ontop of that we have to deal with the confusion of abuse. Perhaps PTSD symptoms along with it and a trauma bond. Its a tough thing. I underestimated it, but it totally explains why I only left for good on my (detail removed by moderator) go. I think 7 tries is the average, because of all these things.

      I read that volunteering is a great thing to do to heal. I’m sure you’ll find something.
      Things that are helping me are:
      Journaling, having loving and supportive people around me, complete zero contact with him & anyone associated with him, Counselling. A big one is exercise, getting out of my head and into my body. In the relationship I was so exhausted I couldn’t do much other then walk. My muscles ached and I felt too shattered to do much. Plus I had hardly any time to do anything because I had to cook/clean/work for the both of us. Now I feel my body is able to do so much more then it used to, I am getting fitter and healthier & its great. Yoga also is so important for calming the body.

      x*x

    • #132436
      ddia
      Participant

      Hi Bubblegum

      I joined this forum looking for help, what you describe it exactly what I wanted to say too. I thought about leaving for so long, I was so miserable, and was 100% confident when I told him it was over. But the next day I didn’t feel any happiness, or relief, or joy which I thought I would. Instead it was absolute turmoil, rehashing every conversation, have I exaggerated it all, did I misunderstand him, perhaps I am difficult and am mentally unstable like he said I was. I was in a complete state, proper snot-bubble crying, being sick, pacing the room, complete inability to focus on anything. All I wanted, so so desperately, was for him to walk in the door and hug me and tell me it would all be OK.

      I had to make a list of all the insults, put downs, silent treatment, the times he’d raged at me, belittled me, sworn at me, the lies, ……. I got to three sides of A4 and stopped. All the red flags were there all along, loud and clear. Just after I met him (detail removed by moderator).

      Separating from an abusive person is indescribably hard, painful and bewildering; this was a truly traumatic experience to go through. I really don’t think people will understand it unless they have been through it.

      There’s a hole in my life now, without him. I still get hit by massive waves of sadness and despair, which are felt emotionally and physically. But I have drawn massive strength from reading posts on this forum, its incredible how much kindness and compassion shines through from internet strangers – so much more than that shown by the person who was at my side and claimed to love me.

      I hope things have improved for you. Sending love and strength to anyone that reads this x

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