6th September 2021 at 11:48 am #131091
I have left and not feeling how I thought I’d feel, relieved, happy, exited about the future. Instead I dwell on the past, how it could’ve worked, if things were different and I really do miss him and the good times we shared. Really not sure how anyone gets over this? And if they ever really can?
I want to keep my mind occupied and was wondering if anyone knew of any overseas volunteering opportunities? I’ve always wanted to do this and think this would be an amazing time do so, I want to take care of myself, get to know myself all over again and give back where I can. Meeting new people, being in a different place and helping others will really help me to push forward and see life beyond what I had! X
6th September 2021 at 7:05 pm #131115
Hi, it’s completely normal to feel like this. I expected to feel happier straight away and while things felt calmer I was ending a long relationship. It’s normal to grieve the end of a relationship, even abusive ones. Look up the trauma bond.
When I left all the “happy” memories came into my mind but then I’d recall the latest incident and remind myself why I left. Something useful for me was to make a list of all the abusive things he did. It was a long list! I was surprised at how much had happened and I’d ignored/denied.
Recovery and healing takes time and now’s the time to look after yourself and be kind to yourself
6th September 2021 at 8:36 pm #131121
Thank you for your kind words. I keep thinking about all the times I retaliated, I became a person I didn’t recognise. I think to myself I made matters worse, I said things I’m not proud of etc, makes me wonder if I have exaggerated everything and I’m the person in the wrong. I am feeling pretty hopeless right now xx
6th September 2021 at 8:54 pm #131124nbumblebeeParticipant
I do this, not overseas but honestly its been the best thing i have ever done i get so much more ojt of what i do than the people i look after ever could. Im still stuck in a mess with a nasty husband not able to leave yet but still volunteering really does help.
Google local centres to you I am sure they will be able to point you in the right direction.
For what its worth anyone who leaves to me are just amazing brave strong and incredable i cant imagine how much courage and strength it takes to leave so well done you,I think you are fantastic. X
7th September 2021 at 6:39 am #131136
I too reacted in ways that aren’t me, i think a lot of us have. I remember saying things and at the same time thinking to myself ‘why am I saying this, this isn’t me’ I think recognising our own behaviour and wanting to improve is very good. I doubt you’ve exaggerated the abuse, what you may be doing now is minimising it as a coping mechanism, many of us do that and that’s why we fall into the trap of staying or going back. We remember the good times in hope of them returning to this great person but the thing is the great person isn’t real, the abusive person is their true identity. Have you looked up the cycle of abuse? He’s not going to change as much as you might want him to, abusers like being abusive. you’re not abusive or at fault, you were reacting to a situation to survive it.
Have you spoken to any domestic abuse charities or your GP? They may be able to offer support too
7th September 2021 at 9:47 am #131140
Thank you for the advice. In the end he acted really good about the split and didn’t cause any scenes which makes me think I will regret this, my head really is all over the place! I just cannot believe what is going on in my life right now, it’s very hard to cope with day in and day out.
I really want to join a support group or have therapy, can you recommend anyone?
7th September 2021 at 10:47 am #131142
I’d recommend your doctor as a first person to contact, you can request a female if preferred. They will have information on your local domestic abuse charities/services who will be able to discuss things with you and help you understand abuse. They may refer you to counseling if it’s available.
You could call womens aid and domestic abuse helplines too.
I personally think you need time and space away from him to clear your head and gain understanding.
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