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    • #46685
      Sugar
      Participant

      Hi all,

      It’s been a long while since I last posted. I’ve finally taken the plunge (detail removed by moderator) to ask him to leave and I’m proud to say I’ve gone completely no contact ever since. This has been after several years of extreme violence and abusive controlling behaviour. You’d think I’d be on top of the world but I spend every waking moment thinking about him. He has bombarded me ever since with emails initially full of venom and hatred to then I love you and I miss you sort of stuff. I managed to block his email and have had his phone blocked from the day he left. He’s now taken to texting his pleas and claiming to be the victim using other people’s phones so I will be changing my number. We have a child together and he’s hardly seeing her because I will only drop her to his mums and she’s soon to be moving some distance a way. So I’m anxious about that too. But my main struggle is the constant sadness and crippling anxiety. I get sleep poralisis too where I can’t breathe, speak or move and this is always at night time. Yet I somehow miss him terribly and it’s all so conflicting. I wish I could just go and pick him up and bring him home to stop this pain I feel but at the same time I’m so angry at how he has completely screwed me up. I’m not the same person anymore. That freedom I so desperately craved whilst I was under his lock and key I now don’t want or know what to do with. I’m a ball of stress and sadness and I’m desperate for this dark cloud to leave me and I long to feel something new and better. I will never take him back I’ve come far too far but my god this is the worst time of my life. When and how long does this awful process take? I hardly sleep I hardly eat and I’m running on nervous energy all the time. Need to some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. Any advice would be really greatfully received . X

    • #46688
      KIP.
      Participant

      You described the first two years after I left. I was with my ex for decades but no two years with him was ever as bad as the first two when I left (he was arrested). When we are with them we get some respite from the abuse, in the love bombing phase. When we leave our bodies are expecting that respite but it never comes. If you can understand that by keeping no contact and pushing through this awful phase, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s like withdrawing from a very long drug addiction but it passes and you will find the woman you were before the abuse started. But stronger and wiser. Meantime, get some good councelling. Surround yourself with supoortive people and organisations like women’s aid and rape crisis if appropriate. Both have good helplines. I had to fight very hard to keep him away including a restraining order but it was worth every minute to keep his toxic mind games away. I promise this will pass. Just hang in there x

    • #46690
      Confused123
      Participant

      hey hun

      it s a rollcoaster of a journey, but u do heal and come out stronger, pain is part of the game, how we would all love to fast forward the pain but the pain is part of the healing process and to make sure we recognise what happened, your doing really well , continue to get support and take counsellingup

    • #46692
      Sugar
      Participant

      Thanks guys. I tell my self at the end of each day I’ve got through today so I’ll get through tomorrow. It’s like grieving I’ve actually felt physical pain from it and my heart hurts so much. I hate that this man who has taken so much from me still has the ability to make me feel sorry for him and the things he says such as I thought we were stronger than this and how I’ve broken his heart as all he wanted was to spend the rest of his life with me. My god it makes me so angry and yet again I have to surpress my anger and hurt because I’m not willing to engage with him in anyway whatsoever. I know it’s a process but it’s seems so unfair to have suffered so much in the years together and now I’m free I’m suffering in a completely different way and it feels worse. Everyday is unknown I don’t know what I’m gonna feel each day. When I was with him I could rest assured I was always on egg shells and living in fear. How an earth can I sometimes wish I was living like that again then what I am now. I’m awaiting an appointment with a counsellor I really need some help working through this.x

    • #46693
      AssisiB
      Participant

      I know exactly what you mean, I find myself say thing that a lot on here.

      I don’t want him for how he has been with me but I miss him and I love him and all he stuff I thought I wanted whilst with him, like my freedom I don’t honk I want now. I just want to feel him but I know it’ll only be a short while before it goes back to the way it always is.

      A lovely lady on here told me to google trauma bongs bad it helped. I’m free to chat if you need to sound off.

    • #46694
      AssisiB
      Participant

      Omg I said trauma BONGS! I means BONDS

      Well hay cheered me up a bit lol

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