struggling and wondering if he’s enjoying this?

[Discombobulated2022]

Hello all.
I’m verging on exhaustion. Baby is ill and school age child is being naughty.
He came to put them to bed.
He looked well, happy and handsome. I explained how I’m finding things hard and him having his own place would help so much. I also explained how upset I am that he still wasn’t in therapy as promised. He assured me it’s starting soon.
For some one who apparently wants me back, there’s a lack of trying imo. Even texts/ calls aren’t happening. I’m now thinking he’s living his best life and I’m almost dead on my feet!

Can anyone relate to this?

[KIP.]

Yes abusers are liars. He will tell you what you want to hear to get his own way while doing nothing. Yes he’s enjoying watching you struggle. You can bet he’s out living his best life while using you for whatever he needs. Talk to your local womens aid and don’t listen to a word he says. Keep a secret journal of his behaviour and only go by what he does, not by his verbal salad.

[Discombobulated2022]

Thanks for your reply @kip.
He’s so convincing at times I have to say, and I query my own memories. What would really help is if he got his own place so we could settle into a routine with the kids giving both of us a break and giving the kids a much needed routine. I have no family here to help with the kids so find myself leaning back on him when I need help. I’ve also got to be the bad guy and get rid of the animals as he continues not to take them and they are an added stress I can’t take.

[Bananaboat]

He is. As KIP said he’s living his best life. He’s in a house with you paying & doing everything while he can do as he pleased, plus as you’re not together it’s harder to challenge him on anything. I lived like this for months, you’re in limbo, he won’t leave by himself. Like you, I had no texts or efforts from him to say he missed me or wanted to fix things which initially hurt but then made me realise how cold he really is, even if he does say thing you want to hear – like the counselling, watch his actions and you’ll notice they don’t match – like not going to counselling and probably lying that it starts soon.

Keep pushing forward, the hard work to get out is so worth it x

[Discombobulated2022]

Thank you @bananaboat
That’s exactly how it feels: he has no obligation to pay towards the house anymore yet uses it and me! He has moved out although doesn’t have anywhere suitable for the children so has them here. That is what I’m intending on stopping. No more overnights here so he can see to the kids. It’ll be front door pick ups this weekend.
Thing is, I’ve caught him out so many times but only by checking up on him. Which I hate! I’ve never done it before with a partner but I suppose the fact I do with him is worrying in itself. I don’t want to look to see if what he’s telling me is the truth but I bet I will. And I bet, for the 100th time, he isn’t.
Thank you ladies so so much for taking some of your time to reply. It helps so much and I’m constantly questioning myself xx

[Bananaboat]

Good plan but expect him to mess you around! Mine is supposed to have his child twice a week, doesn’t happen, I don’t chase him – he’ll only lie, so I just enjoy extra time with my child. I need to learn to not cave when he does message to have them but it’s a case of picking your battles with these men! Anyway, I guess my point is just expect more messing around and try not to rely on him xx

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