Struggling at the moment

[Moonbeam]

Hi guys, I’ve gone months without any flashbacks or thoughts about my abusive ex. However over the past few weeks the flash backs are returning. I’ve had no contact with him for (details removed by moderator) or so, so I can’t think of any reason why they should be coming back.

Has this happened to anyone else? You’ll be fine for ages then have a dark moment.

[fizzylem]

Hi M, I’m way past the flash backs, but I remember how frightening they were and a time when they came thick and fast. I would describe them more as momentary flashbacks now that come to me when an association occurs, or someone says something and it takes me right back to a moment in time when I was with him, sometimes its just horrid feelings I get but sometimes its a light bulb moment! Like oh I get that now, it makes sense.

I found the flashbacks really helpful eventually, I found it was taking a look at what once was only through the lens of what I know now – if that makes sense. At first they triggered traumatic feelings, but once I realised how helpful they were, told myself that was then this is now, this took the extremity out of the emotions, I get a kind of first lick but mostly they leave a bad taste, its like I need to feel these dreadful feelings that go with the memory as this is the reality that I need to be in, the flashbacks take me back to times when I was confused, frightened, couldnt make sense, in a horrid place, in a bubble of illusion – they def helped me to make sense. It’s better to roll with them to see what they tell you but if you cant tolerate the feelings then you probs need some professional help.

When they occur tell yourself, that was then, this is now, I am safe now, why is this clip showing itself to me now? What is it tellig me? If you can get past the panic, calm yourself in some way, they can actually be really useful to us. Its a bolt from the past with a message x

[Moonbeam]

Thanks for this.

My most recent one was after my dad made a comment of “getting there eventually,” after I got mixed up with the title of a Christmas Carol. I could just hear my ex going “aww babe, you’re b****y useless.” I just wanted to scream at the voice “shut up!”

He made me so insecure about everything and I’m trying so hard to get the person I was before him back, and in a lot of ways I have succeeded. But he’s still that voice in my head calling me useless, paranoid, saying my opinions are stupid. I actually hate him for making me feel this way. And the crazy thing is, he’s such an f***ING n**********c sociopath, he’ll be completely clueless to how I’m feeling now.

[Fudgecake]

Hello Moonbeam, this sadly sounds all too familiar to me and I can only think/ hope it’s the time of year we’re in that’s triggering these dark emotions. I had a good few months of almost being the old me but since late November I’m right back in the early rollercoaster of emotion. I guess it’s all part of the process but I don’t like this at all and want it to all go away. Ofc I hear my ex in my head calling me a negative person and how he looks at the possibilities in life bla bla bla. I have to say he was the most toxic, hateful uncompassionate person when talking about people (even those he’d never met)that I have ever met!And like yours he’ll be completely clueless about how I’m feeling now and if he did then he’d say it was me being negative. What a complete mind f**k!

[Moonbeam]

It’s crazy how similar some of these guys sound, you’d think we all had the same ex!

I know where you’re coming from with it being this time of year. I’d always get grief because I’d want to spend Xmas with family and he’d call my parents and sister entitled pompous twits for (god forbid) buying him a present. And apparently I should “cut the apron strings” bla bla bla. I always refused to cut ties with my family. It was the one relationship he couldn’t destroy.

[fizzylem]

Yes they’re horrible arent they, guess you felt crushed, angry and other yucky emotions when taken back. What would say now? Knowing what you know now? How would you handle this today? Might be worth considering? Not sure, you will know.

I do know that after I’d felt a number of the flashback feelings I told myself this will never happen to me again, never want to feel like this again – then set about working on how to make that happen. Feel 100% sure this wont happen to me again now M, has taken a while but I’m there – so it can be done.

Totes agree, they have no empathy – the only time they appear to have empathy is when they are mirroring your feelings, which gives the impression they get me, undertsnad, we’re the same – they dont feel these feelings at all nr understand them or their own – they can only feel how they do in that moment and nothing more. When you blame someone else all day long you miss the opportunity to think about what it might be like in their shoes hey x

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