Struggling in the aftermath

[Lucy22]

Hi everyone, I’m new here and was looking for some advice.

I broke up with my abusive ex boyfriend a few months ago and the longer we’ve gone no contact the worse my mental health is becoming. I suppressed a lot of my emotions during the relationship to keep the peace and keep him in my life and I look back now on things that happened and I don’t know how to feel, especially as I don’t remember some incidents of abuse which I wrote down at the time in my diaries. It’s almost like I feel numb to the specific incidents when I think about them.

But I’m also in constant emotional pain, crying daily when I’m alone, my mind spiraling to dark places. Yet no matter how much my therapist tells me it was abusive it doesn’t feel validating enough for me to accept what he did is equal to the pain I feel. Whilst my therapist has been supportive in their reactions perhaps it is precisely because of the professional nature of the delivery that I feel like maybe what happened ‘wasn’t that bad’.

I do hobbies most weekdays, I see my friends and have fun, see family regularly, have a stable job, see my therapist. Objectively my life is stable and ‘okay’. Yet I feel like I am living a double life, calm and relatively normal on the outside then I come home and I am a wreck. I even seem to be pretending to my therapist because I don’t want to waste time talking about aspects of how I feel when I’m still desperately wanting their opinion on certain incidents which we are slowly working through each session.

I barely enjoy eating, watching TV, gaming, or reading anymore. I enjoy my hobbies whilst there but it is a struggle to make myself go in the first place. I’m anxious all the time, can’t relax, I don’t remember how it feels to feel safe, I don’t feel safe in my own body. I still live in the same house that we shared, I still have some of his furniture, but I can’t get rid of it as it has nowhere to go. Lately I have a constant low level pit of anxiety/dread in my stomach. I am reminded of various incidents of emotional & physical abuse and sexual coercion just by looking at furniture, remembering where he stood or sat, what he said, his expression.

I feel like I convince myself daily that what my ex did ‘wasn’t that bad’ because there is no one telling me regularly enough that yes it was, though I don’t know why I’m needing such an excessive amount of validation. I worry I’ll never accept it because I don’t know how, I’ve spent so many years putting up with things from various people in my life including him that were emotionally abusive or manipulative or wrong etc that I’ve got a complex of being able to ‘handle’ things in order to survive.

Does anyone have any advice? What things have helped aside from therapy?

[Lisa]

Hi Lucy22,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us.

I am sorry to hear about the abuse you have experienced and the ongoing impact on your wellbeing. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand how difficult it is to come to terms with the aftermath of abuse. As you mentioned, the memory of what you experienced can make you feel as though you are not healing- it takes time as we all deal with things in different ways. You are not alone in feeling this way and I am sure others will relate to your post.

Keep posting when you can- there is support here for you.

Best wishes
Lisa
Forum Moderator

[tiredofitall]

Hi, I know its been a while since you posted so I hope that you are started to feel better.  I was in my marriage for a very long time and I didn’t realise it was emotionally abusive until very near the end and even then it took me a good while to accept it.  I’d even explain away the times that he was physical – because he wasn’t actually beating me to a pulp I downplayed the intimidation and aggression that were controlling elements of the relationship.  Even after I decide to end things, I found it hard to accept it was abuse.

However, what helped me was that I realised that it didn’t matter what I called it.  His behaviour towards me was not how I wanted to be treated.  I accepted that I was unhappy in the relationship, I had tried to make it work, he had more chances than I can count to behave differently and he always reverted back to treating me with no respect and no care and I decided I did not want that for the rest of my life.

That helped me to be able to move forward because I stopped feeling like I had to justify why I ended things.  I was unhappy and I didnt want me to be that way anymore.  That is enough of a reason.

We just find it hard because being in an abusive relationship robs you of your confidence and self worth.

I did have therapy during the break up.  I found it useful to look back and release some of the guilt I had for not leaving sooner.  I was able to forgive myself for not feeling strong enough at the time and in fact, to recognise the strength it takes to keep going when trapped in these relationships.   I have a lot of missing memories from the years – I think I was sleep walking for a lot of it just to survive!

There are some things that still trigger me – slamming doors, people shouting etc.  and sometimes just watching a TV show where someone has the same traits.  However, time is a great healer and the further into freedom I get, the less those things affect me.

Be kind to yourself.  You’ve been through a lot so don’t expect too much.

[Lucy22]

Thanks for your reply. I don’t feel any better to be honest but I’m glad you’re in a better place now. How long has it been since you ended your marriage?

I have felt guilt too, though not for what I put up with, but for the fact that during the relationship he ended up taking advantage of others online and I feel like if I had been firmer with what I caught him doing, I could have prevented worse things he did from happening.

I hadn’t looked at it from the perspective of being strong to have kept going throughout the relationship, I don’t think I felt strong as I used a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms in order to cope.

[Happybelle]

So sorry to hear you are struggling.

i have to say the best thing I did was move. Whilst I was waiting to move I got a lot of flashbacks. The furniture or being in certain areas of different rooms. The reminders were very sad and destabilising.

if you are able to, I recommend a move but if not how about redecorating if you can? Change things so they aren’t the same as when he was there and it may start to make you feel a bit more like your home now.

the other thing that helped about moving is being safe in the knowledge that they don’t have your address and they can’t just show up. They can’t send gifts or flowers or do weird things.

feel for you, hope you can find your way soon xx

[Lucy22]

Thank you for your reply.

I have considered moving but everywhere in my area is currently the same price or more expensive for less space. I also have neighbours who know about what I’ve gone through with my ex, and it is a comfort to know they’re just next door if I ever went into a really dark place.

I rent so I can’t redecorate, but I need to do something as I hate being in my house these days and I feel trapped in the past being there like that. And because I still have some of his stuff, it feels like he still has a bit of a hold over me.

You make a good point about the address, my therapist suggested I get a restraining order but that seems a bit too far. So far he hasn’t broken no contact but being honest, the man is currently in prison so it would be hard for him to do so other than a letter.

[Exhaustedallthetime]

I know exactly how you feel. Some days I have good days but the majority of the time I feel the same way as you describe. I do things that should be fun but even just getting the energy to do those things is a battle. And then when I do them I’m just exhausted afterwards. I am also needing constant validation for it being that bad even though I know it was. I also wrote things down and I am the same – I don’t remember most of them and then I think oh it wasn’t that bad and leaving feels actually worse. Basically what you’ve written could’ve been written by me. I can’t say it’s any better at the moment. Because it’s not but from what I’ve seen on here and from what people have told me that this pain will ease and things will get better. Even though it may not feel like it at the moment for either of us it will be better than being in an abusive relationship. One day we will enjoy the little things again, it won’t feel like a constant batter and we will appreciate it all more now than we did before all this happened. Take care of yourself.

[Lucy22]

It is a real comfort to know that there are people out there feeling so similar to me.

I just want to know how long it will take to feel better, or what things actually work. But you are right, it is still better than being in an abusive relationship. Take care of yourself too

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I’m still in the part of it where I’m still trying to get fully separated, in that I left some time ago but I’m still dealing with the house and the practical aspects of the property and belongings.

I understand completely these feelings of doubt as to whether it was ‘really all that bad’. Because the ending of the relationship  seems to be so horrendous, that everything else pales beside it for a while.

But, in my case, it is him who has made the ending so horrendous.

A relationship break up is never going to be easy, but breaking up from these types is a magnitude worse.

Sometimes I feel that maybe it wasn’t so bad and that actually I’ve caused all the trauma to myself by ending the relationship, but I think we just have to trust that that isn’t true.

Maybe one of the reasons that I stayed so long is that on some level I knew that the break up would be this bad, That he would punish me with all his might for daring to leave and daring to talk.

 

[Lucy22]

I am sorry you’re going through this, the practicalities make it take so much longer.

To be honest breaking up with my ex was quite simple, he was all niceties and trying to fight for us then resigned when he realised I’d made up my mind.

I hope you remain strong in this and know that none of it is your fault, we are stronger than these weak abusive men.

[beegirl]

I’m sorry to hear how you have been feeling.

When I experienced abuse it was in my parent’s house. I was only a teenager so I couldn’t move house, so I know the feeling. Luckily we have now moved and my ex is not aware.
However, I still spent a little while in this house before we moved so I have some tips for dealing with it.
Firstly, I found that moving my furniture around helped a lot. A lot of the abuse occurred in my bedroom so even changing the position of my bed and other aspects of my room made me see the room differently.
I’ve seen in your other posts you are unable to decorate but maybe you could use blu-tac to stick up some photos of things that make you happy or even place objects, such as flowers or other visually appealing items,  in the areas that trigger you so you can begin to associate those areas with better things.
Also, try organising a meet up with friends or family in your house to help replace the bad memories with better ones.
Finally, I find that certain smells can really trigger me, I.e. the smell of the detergent he used to wash his clothes. Perhaps try reed diffusers/ room sprays which you can associate with positive feelings so try and minimise your triggers.

sorry if some of these suggestions seem silly, but I hope it helps. I can’t imagine how hard things are for you right now, but I’m very glad you’re out of that situation now.

[Author]

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