Struggling to accept it’s abuse

[Fay of the North]

I’m finding it hard to accept its abuse. I can’t believe it.

As he can be so kind other times. But he’s pinned me against a wall by my throat before, pinned me down by my wrists during an argument. And I just been conditioned to feel “its not that bad” and “it’s not like he beats me” and it doesn’t happen all the time. And I have to rationalise with myself that it is that bad. He never leaves marks on me it’s not like I’m hurt. Although 1 time I did have faint buruses on the sides of my neck where he grabbed me, I just have to trust he doesn’t loose track of his strength or what..

But like if it happened to a friend I would be outraged. But since he’s nice the rest of the time and says it won’t happen again I’ve tolerated it.

I couldn’t say how many times it’s happened it’s all just blurred together other the years.

And if it’s just because he lost control when he was angry then why doesn’t he do that to anyone else, because they wouldn’t tolerate it and would probably retaliate.

[Lisa]

Hi Fay of the North,

Welcome to the forum, I’m really glad you’ve found this space to talk about how you’re feeling.

It’s very normal to minimise abuse while it’s happening. It is difficult to process that a person that’s supposed to care for you is being abusive. The very fact that it’s not constantly bad and cycles between kind and nasty is part of what makes it so confusing. You’re already asking the right questions and I hope that you find the support here useful in the journey of seeing things more clearly and deciding what your next steps will be.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[nbumblebee]

Hey and welcome. If you read through other posts on here you will.find many of us if not all of us struggle with this. Actually I still refuse to beleive it and ive been here over a year.
Read up on the cycle of abuse theres a book that many recomend on here my mind is frazzeld today and i cant think of it helpful I know but someone will be along soon and can help there.
The more you read and learn the more you will understand and be able to plan your next step.
For now know that you are not alone. Stay safe xxxx

[Fay of the North]

It’s kind of funny because for people who haven’t gone through it it must be much more obvious. Our views of what is okay have been severely disformed.

I am reading things here and there and it’s been helping me to trust myself a bit more but I’m still just in disbelief, I let it go on for too long.

[nbumblebee]

Hey again you arent alone ive been married (detail removed by Moderator) years never ever saw never thought it wasnt normal.
Some people just wont understand they want too they try but unless youve been here you just dont get it. Keep reading keep posting most of all keep trusting yourself x

[Footballfan1]

Hi Fay of the North,

Welcome to the forum.
The abusers swap between kind and loving to abusive.
They do this on purpose, to confuse you and leave you craving the good times.
Google trauma bonding.
It is what keeps us trapped with them, or if we get out, we crave getting back with them.

The recovery process is long and complicated.
You will experience different emotions, I went through numbness, then guilt and regret, then anger, then guilt again.

The couple of books I read were Lundy Bancroft why does he do that and Pat Craven The Dominator.

Those books were recommended to me by ladies on the forum when I first joined.

It has opened my eyes to the abuse, helped me understand my emotions, and understand the abusers behaviours.

Keep posting and stay safe x*x

[Fay of the North]

Thank you for replying, right now I feel a lot of these things and I don’t know what to do.

I kinda want to leave but I was advised to plan a “safe” way to leave and that I might be at risk if I should leave. But I really don’t want to believe that it’s true or necessary.

Yes I am reading some and I’m only just coming to realise how badly he’s been behaving with me. Thank you for the suggestions

[Watersprite]

Hi Fay of the north – yepppp it’s serious domestic abuse and sounds high risk. Brains normalise and minimise because sometimes it’s safer to do that and we just don’t want to see what is staring is in the face because that means we have to face up to who we love and what we need to do. Great you are here and educating yourself that’s what helped me break the trauma bond. Definitely safety plan anyway but yes safety plan leaving – sounds like you have some support? We fled when he was at work yes it was terrifying yes it’s been really hard but there is not one day I would rather be back with him. I think you are on that journey get all your ducks in a row and call police if ever needed. Good luck keep posting xx

[Fay of the North]

It’s just like it’s not what you’d expect from him if you met him. It’s not what I’d expect from him on any other day. It’s like dose he really mean it but how do you do these things without meaning to.

I feel I’m rambling. I feel all mixed up.

He’s upset that I haven’t let it go. But I feel that the “forgive and forget” mentality is not always helpful. Sometimes you need to hold on to it to make sure you don’t let it happen again.

Well I started online therapy in secret a few weeks ago, to talk about things and get my mind straight on what’s happening in my relationship. It’s probably the best choice I did in a while. My therapist suggest to contact DV services and is worried that I may be at ‘risk’ but yeah i can’t quite accept it.

I could never call the police. I wouldn’t want to disturb someone’s life like that I wouldn’t want them to decide to press charges. I would rather try and leave the home if I can.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

[twinkletwinklekitty]

I know exactly what you mean. I am in a situation now where I listen to my story as if I were my own friend listening to myself…I am horrified! I am also slowly opening up about this to a couple of my closest friends and here, so I can socialise a possibility of post-this life. The speaking up is not easy, but the perspective I am gaining…omg.

He and I still live together. I try to avoid him as much as possible. Today we had a first longer chat. He is completely negating my attempts to say how he had previously made me feel and threatened me…he is turning those into a joke. That I am a
joke. I have always been very rational, but it took me years, up until this point, to really stay composed when speaking to him and not getting emotionally involved. I am trying to block the smallest doses of abuse, so I can get my ducks in a row and leave.

[Fay of the North]

I know right, I’m horrified too thinking about it from a friends perspective. Something that has been quite helpful to me.
I’m glad to hear you’re starting to be able to talk to some friends about it. Yes the perspective, sometimes you need to be shown things from a different angle and the difference is shocking.

I somehow don’t feel able to talk about it with people because I feel as if that if I fail to leave I will feel judged or ashamed. One of the reasons I have stayed silent.. till I know I’m leaving for certain and how.
But that’s not very helpful part of the reason I’m in this situation is because I feel cut off from my support network and haven’t talked about it.

[twinkletwinklekitty]

I know this is not an easy stuff, but perhaps try to open up about it. To me, the part of speaking up has been huge: not only was I able to hear my own voice speaking about things that I have endured (this is a huge!), but then also was able to tap into people’s advice.

I am definitely not one up for sympathy votes. Just something in me broke after the latest bout of being told how s**t, vile and despicable I am. And when everything I believe in was mixed with dirt.

Stay strong and look after yourself.

[Footballfan1]

I didn’t tell anyone for more than 2 decades.
We have 2 small kids, I couldn’t entertain the idea of leaving.
His abuse got worse instead of better, me giving up on myself entirely and becoming his complete slave and having no life, that wasn’t enough for him.
He wanted more, but I didn’t know what more I could give him.
It’s like he wanted to be in control of my mind, I had to agree with everything he said, and even be able to guess what he wanted without him saying it.
It got physical, then even though I didn’t report it, I think that was a turning point for me.
I started fantasising about leaving at first, looking at houses etc..
Then I confided in my mum and sister about the abuse.
They were so good, they didn’t pressure me into leaving, they just let me talk to them.
A few months later, there was an escalation and I phoned the police.
I could have phoned the police many times before, but never did.
Me confiding in people, gave me the option in my head to do something to improve the situation.
I haven’t got back with ex.
I also put that down to telling people about the abuse, it makes it more real than if it’s locked away on your head only.
Also if people just thought we had a wobble, they would have encouraged me to get back with him.
Because I told them exactly what had been going on, my family supported me in staying apart from him.
Confiding in 1 person you trust, could open up options you didn’t think existed.
X*x

[tiredofitall]

I’ve had the same level – physical restraint and dominance on occasion. Not very often but enough to remind me he can ‘lose it’ if I push him too far. The funny thing is he doesn’t need me to push him, he can wind himself up very easily! He was also just a normal guy and actually quite nice and thoughtful too. What I’ve struggled with when reading about abusers is that he ticks all the boxes but I don’t think he is acting as consciously as the books describe. He isn’t choosing in a conscious way to treat me like this but in his messed up head, it’s just what he does.
What I realised was that nothing I did would ever change anything and then one day I just had enough and didn’t want to live like this for the rest of my life.
I didn’t leave – we jointly own our house – so I’ve endured months living together which has been hell, sometimes scary but he now knows I’ve got nothing invested in this relationship so I would call the police now if he was physical with me.
I did call them to give them background on my situation so that if I ever do need them they know in advance my concerns. And I’ve also secretly recorded some of his rants and kept a journal. The Bright Sky app is good for that.
All just there if I needed to take stronger action but I haven’t had to use it yet. In my case, my husband is a bully who pretends he is out of control in a rage but actually he is just trying to intimidate me. He is pushing me down to boost himself up.
He can’t understand or believe that he has done anything to make me want to end the relationship.
Anyway I’ve rambled but hopefully some of this helps. Best of luck.

[Jeeves]

Hi Fay of the North

You storey is like mine. It has taken me years to realise certain behaviours are abusive and what I have normalised over the years. It’s really sad I sit and think how did we get here. Everytime they cross a line whether it’s throwing stuff at me to hurt me , holding my mouth shut so I don’t talk , kicking me or on the past holding me by the throat like you experienced, I somehow normalise it when I should have walked away . Recently I have had death threat and apparently I am being a drama queen they don’t mean it. The other day I got a list of 20 things I do, that cause them to react badly but reading and being on here has taught me they are responsible for their own actions. When I get mad I don’t hurt , hit , kick throw things or belittle . Be strong and like me we have to find our voice to tell others and not be ashamed to speak up anymore . I too am looking at counselling in secret cause I keep going “it’s not that bad” but I have a friend and when I speak to him and tell him he tells me it’s bad and I should not be there anymore . In my heart I know I need to go I just need the courage to. And of people don’t believe me that’s ok cause everyone thinks he is lovely

[Headcook]

Hello

Please get hold of a copy of the book

Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft

It explains how and why
Honestly best book I ever read
You will think the book is written for you like I and many on here that have read this book
You will get there
We all leave at different stages

Take care of you

HC. X

[Author]

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