Struggling to cope

[Apples]

I can’t stop crying as I’m writing this and wondering what is happening to my life.
My ex-partner attacked me out of the blue (Detail removed by Moderator) ago (Detail removed by Moderator) His bail conditions state no contact with me but haven’t specifically said no contact with our children.
He has been in contact with all of the children by messages and video calls and he is des to see them but I haven’t felt safe letting them go due to the unprovoked nature of the attack on me.
I’m doing a short course to return to my career and this means working shifts for a short time in order to requalify.
I’m desperate for money and need to work and I have to do this course. My parents are the only people who can look after the kids now yet they have made it quite clear they feel taken advantage Of for doing so. They prefer to keep a distance with contact. (Detail removed by Moderator) my dad came to my house and shouted at my daughter and I for asking them to baby sit my youngest while we go out to (Detail removed by Moderator). He thinks I am selfish and rude for asking their help.
I try to be so considerate all the time and am very careful not to ask them to look after my children too often. I haven’t been out with friends for over a year, only to do my course. I’m never rude to them and I always wait for them to offer their help rather than ask.
I’m so upset of trying to juggle the children, who have found it so hard to come to terms with what their dad did to me. I have had to cope with my daughters suicidal feelings and my sons begging me to see their dad, as well as trying to minimise the effects of all this for them.
Right now it would just be easier to make contact with my ex. He is desperate to see the kids and has been paying me regular maintenance money.
I know he would be happy to have them any time so I can work shifts and at the moment I can’t see any other way. But if I did this it would mean I had to drop all charges against him.
My parents would never forgive me for that but I’m being backed into a corner where I have no choice! And more than anything I’m scared because I can’t be sure he wouldn’t hurt them as I’m not sure he is in a good state of mind. I don’t feel safe but with no support he is the easy option! But then he is not an option because I have to protect my children and will do at all costs.
I’m all over the place with my emotions- I feel like I’m living to please others and yet I can’t even do that. I have a knot in my stomach all the time and if it wasn’t for the children I would be breaking down.
I don’t know how to go on tonight , I just feel like I can’t take any more and am sorry to sound dramatic but I feel like I’m done . 😢

[lover of no contact]

Ah Apples all this is really too much to cope with on your own. I’m so glad you reached out for support. You are doing amazingly well and you are so strong and resourceful. But we’re only human and we can only take so much and the reactions of your parents are not easy to cope with when you’re dealing with (Detail removed by Moderator) (and all the feelings that entails), abuser-ex , trying to secure an income to become financially self-supporting so you don’t need to rely on ex or parents.

First things first. You need to turn up at the course to secure an income long-term, that is a priority. You need help minding the children to do this. Your parents are not behaving how you and I would behave if our children were in a similar position to the one you are in. We would help no strings attached and without making our children feel bad or moaning. However you can’t control others we can only control our reactions. From my experience I would get support on here when your parents are unhelpful to you and try to let their words go over your head. The main thing is to try and get them to mind the kids so you can break free financially from the abuser.

Please maintain No Contact with your abuser. You have done so well to protect your children from him and not let them go to him. You are doing so well to hold him accountable (Detail removed by Moderator) (we can support you through this).

Let your dad think you’re taking advantage (you’re not), he should be happy to have the precious time with his lovely grandchildren. He has the wrong attitude but you can’t change him and his attitudes. Let him shout and rant and rage that you are selfish and rude (you are not). Your daughter needs your support at the moment and you are doing that wonderfully well by taking her out (Detail removed by Moderator). You are doing all the right things. Keep doing what you’re doing , retraining, protecting your children, No Contact with your abuser-ex, spending quality time with your ex. And ignore the negativity coming out of your dad’s mouth but no point saying anything as you need him and your mum to mind the kids for the moment.

Keep posting.

[lover of no contact]

oo sorry typo- I meant spending the quality time with your daughter not ex!

[Apples]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. Every word helps, believe me!
Life feels cruel at the moment – me and my children are happy when we are together and alone and I wish we didn’t need others but for now we do…
What you said about letting my parents think those thoughts is so right – I always add extra stress to my life to try and be perfect in other people’s eyes but that’s impossibly and my parents are hyper critical of my life anyway. So that will definitely stay with me.

The guilt is the hardest part too – I feel so guilty for keeping the children from him but every night I’m dreaming he is trying to kill me and I just can’t take that risk for them to be near him.

Thank you again, I’m so grateful x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi apples, just want to let you know i think you are a wonderful mum. I never left my OH when i should have, so my children have suffered and are still suffering years later. .
Im so sorry your parents are acting the way they are towards you, it really doesn’t help. My dad does anything for a quiet life but I’ve since realised hes passive/aggressive. He gets angry with people but moans about them to other people. He is very money orientated now(could be his age but think that’s an excuse).
I remember when i left my 1st husband i lived with them for a fair bit with my children. He actually had a list of everything i used and he bought, down to a flaming lightbulb. My OH (2nd husband) gave me what i ‘owed’ him but when i look back he put me in a situation i wasn’t happy with when it came to giving my dad the money. My OH has always been generous with money, but i feel/ felt he was trying to make up for me not having much as a child, which isn’t true. Yes money was tight but we never went without. I think now with hindsight he’s projected his childhood into mine.
Anyway digressing again, funny how someone else’s story brings more of our own out!
@Twistedsisters advice re taking children out of school early is good, i pray the school works with you on this. Do the police know of his attacking you, they’ll definately be on your side regards children then.
Guilt is terrible but try and think we should only feel guilty if we do something wrong. You haven’t done anything wrong, he has. It’s not wrong to protect your children. If a stranger had attacked you and you were afraid they’d do the same to your children, you wouldn’t let them anywhere near them, would you?
We try to be perfect in order to survive their wrath. What I’ve found out its, I no longer care to be perfect, it takes up too much energy trying to second guess if what you’ve done or how you’ve behaved will set them off.
We know our parents thought once we’d found a partner, had children that that was us settled and flown the nest. We are the only animals in the world that take their young back after they’ve left the safety of the nest(usually speaking).

Has your dad always been volatile too, could you let your parents know, that you realise youve upset their wee world, but you feel safe with them after what he’s put you through. Is it possible to guilt trip them this way? Or maybe it is better just to try and let his(their) Words go over your head😞
Best of luck to you Apples
IWMB 💕💕

[Tiffany]

Thinking outside the box, does your course have any childminding facilities that you might be able to access. They tend not to be well advertised, but some educational institutions have free childcare for students on the breadline. There may also be after-school clubs, or before school breakfast clubs, which are after free or very cheap if you are on a low income.

[freedomtochoose]

You are doing so well, Apples. It is so hard when people don’t understand.

I don’t know whether you could obtain a child care grant – for your course? This is something whereby you find an Ofsted registered childminder (who may be able to come to your house) – and you pay them and then get the costs refunded when you hand over your receipts.

It is so difficult when they are younger. And also difficult if your birth family is trying to make you feel beholden to them.

all best
ftc
x

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