Struggling to cope

[Malaya]

It dawned on me after meeting with my Womens aid worker recently, that the long term effects of my several year marriage are going to be hard work to overcome
I’m out of the marriage, he’s out of my house, he sees his child maybe once a week and continues to be a controlling psychopath. But it’s all in emails now. I had to get a new mobile to give myself a break and little bit of control.

After he left, I had this huge sense of elation and freedom, but after a while that wears off and the every day life stuff takes over. I now see how well he conditioned me. I have become this nervous, anxious, pathetic excuse of a woman who struggles to cope with phone calls, letters , going out etc

He has taken so much of my life force and repeatedly stamped on it, that I’m having to learn how to cope with life. I have the most beautiful child who inspires me to get up and go but it’s so hard. A little while ago I realised I hadn’t showered, brushed my teeth or get dressed in 3 whole days. That makes me feel disgusting. But honestly, I just couldn’t function. Everything hit me, the enormity of being a single mum to a disabled child, with my own physical health problems, and now fairly severe anxiety and depression

I’ve made a vow to myself to get up, washed, dressed, teeth cleaned and eat breakfast, so that I’m more likely to do something constructive with my days. My Womens aid worker is looking into groups of people that meet who share my lifestyle and beliefs and I’m going back to my old hobbies as much as I can manage

Right now I’m living hour to hour as even a day is too overwhelming. I can’t look forward to Christmas as its too scary, the new year, anniversaries. It just all brings on panic for me. Sometimes I can only focus on getting through the next five minutes.

Can anyone else relate or understand this? I feel I’ve become so weak and worthless but I so want to put myself back together again

[KIP.]

Absolutely I can relate to this. It’s post traumatic stress. You spent many years trying to deal with your abuser, you became conditioned to him. Your head space was all taken up with surviving, leaving no space to work out what was really going on. Now you have time and space, your brain is trying to work it all out. I was exactly where you were. I couldn’t bring myself to utter certain words, I couldn’t concentrate long enough to read a chapter of a book. This is the time you are recovering from trauma and it will take a while. I was very hard on myself, expecting almost instant results. It’s not going to,happen like that but you are allowed to recover at your own pace. Time and no contact are the best antidote to this. I cannot stress enough how important no contact is. It might cause you problems in the beginning like anxiety increased but it’s what is absolutely needed. Even if you have to get a GP letter for court telling them his contact is triggering. I promise you it will get better. Your confidence and self esteem will return, you will take back power and move on from the situation. Keep pushing forward…… Baby steps x

[Serenity]

I can wholly identify, Malaya.

When I first got out, took him to court etc, I was all fired up and felt liberated. I felt I could take on the world. Then after the court, reality hit me and it’s like the ‘real work’ began: having to find the strength to face the reality of what had happened head on, realising I really was on my own, etc. Depression hit, paralysis, a slump in energy…

I think it’s because before,new are dealing with the superficial structures- moving out, divorcing, court, Cafcass, etc. Plus we get emergency support- DV workers, pattern changing courses, support groups,etc. Friends who inspire us to get out,who are there putting the world to rights with us at midnight…All these things hold is up, they are like a big lift up, then suddenly we are left much more alone. We don’t want to impose on friends too much, plus the emergency support falls away. We are left to deal with stark reality, and this can be depressing and paralysing.

It will be a process for you to get back to your utmost strength again, and a process where you need to continue to give yourself with support, to reach out to those who can give you the care you need. Have you tried DV counselling? Can you attend a freedom course? Some ladies I know have done 2 or 3! I think your DV worker is right- attending a support group would help mire than you imagine.

I don’t think you can magically find energy whilst you have such a heavy load in your heart. That is what is making you feel so inert- the heavy load. You need to find a way of lightening this load, of sharing our troubles, so like heavy stones in a ruck sack, you can throw them away and feel lighter again, and this can be done by reaching out for support from those who truly understand.

Accept all the help you can. Talking to those who understand will help you feel validated, and with this will come strength. There’s nothing worse than suffering alone.

When yo finally build up strength, it I’ll be a more powerful, deep-rooted strength then you ever had before. It will just take a bit of time to get there 💛

[Ayanna]

Oh Malaya, I can sooooo relate to this.
I still struggle with self care. I only do it when I have to go to work or when I go to an event. And then it is very basic.
I am scared when the postman knocks on my door. I am scared when I find a letter when I come home. I am scared when a strange car is in my estate, I am scared of noises I do not know, I am scared when I get a phone call from a number I do not recognise, …

I have flashbacks and nightmares, .. I struggle to control my spending,…

I burst into tears in no time, ….

That is what abuse does to us. I do not know how long it takes to feel better.
Be good to yourself. Be patient with yourself.
I try to find the love for myself. I try not to blame myself for anything.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Malaya, try not to worry too much about feeling this way. I think a lot of women when stressed, depressed or trying to manage abuse go days without washing, cleaning teeth etc. Maybe not many people talk about it or admit it that is why you think its unusual. I will get depressed, comfort eat and binge eat, massive packets of crisps & chocolate, lay on my sofa, my house is a total dirty mess and have absolutely no motivation. This happens reasonably frequently. As the time goes on you will start to notice small improvements and feel more positive. I have recently got more into hiking, it is such a great mood lifter. I have joined some hiking groups, take a packed lunch, we get good exercise, if you want to you can chat to people and I sit on the beach or on a mountain with my lunch and flask of tea. I always come home feeling content and satisfied with my day. Plus you might make contacts and hear about other interesting groups. X*X (detail removed by Moderator) X

[Malaya]

Thank you ladies, you don’t know how much it means to read your kind words. Recently I’ve set myself small tasks to achieve, just getting showered and dressed, take the dog for a walk, pot up some plants

I can so relate to being scared at the postman coming, the doorbell ringing etc. Even checking my emails, I cringe in case there’s one from him. Night time is the worst though, constant dreams, tossing and turning, mind completely consumed by him and the police, solicitors etc

I start my freedom course next week and I’m really looking forward to it, it’s like another step in putting me back together

I feel for you all, it’s horrible feeling like this and I’m sending you all love n hugs xx

[KIP.]

Well done. I used to set myself three things a day. It might be just putting the bin out etc. Don’t set tasks you can’t achieve as it brings you down. Also, prioritise things and only deal with things that really need dealt with. As regards his emails. Can a third party read these for you? A friend or family member. If he’s emailing them he won’t mess about. Sounds like you’re doing great. Make the most of the days you feel well. If you can write of take a photo of things on the good day, then remind yourself of them when you’re down. The down days get less and less. Keep working on cutting direct contact X

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Malaya, just to let you know that any contact after a period of No Contact, negatively affects your emotions. Contact can come in many forms, it is having some sort of direct or indirect association with the abuser. When people hear the words No Contact they just assume it’s not talking to the ex, texting or mailing etc. But contact is any link or association however vague (the book No Contact by HG Tudor covers this really well). After some months of NC I was doing ok, sleeping better, feeling happier and optimistic. Then I had a concern that he had made his presence known in my life by joining something that I am a member of. The mind games began or so I thought. It made me worried, really anxious, affected my sleep and I comfort ate a lot. After a bit of time, this worry subsided a bit and I went back to how I was. There has been another recent event of an anniversary (Contact), again this has upset me and made me have obsessive thoughts again. Maintaining NC as fully as possible gets you back into a sane and balanced personal zone as you are minus so many mind games & manipulations. X*X

[Malaya]

Ok girls, I need telling off and a kick up the backside

I’ve had a furious row with him over emails and I honestly just sat today and thought if it wasn’t for my son, I would have topped myself by now. I just collapsed in a heap on the floor this afternoon and cried like a baby.

I’m such an idiot, I was actually expecting him to be reasonable, he can’t see why I’ve accused him of domestic abuse????!! He can’t see that he’s been nasty? It’s all me, I’m the bad b***h. He’s a complete and utter n*****e, he really is. And I’m supposed to pack my son off to see him for the day with a smile on my face?

He actually had the audacity to tell me to (detail removed by moderator) to stop playing games. I nearly fell over when I read that

How the f**k can a person be so deluded, so blind to their actions? Or is this part of his game? Do they know what they are doing or are they simply just on another planet?

And why oh why did I let myself get drawn back in again? I’m back to wrenching at the thought of eating, chain vaping and tossing and turning all night with my mind constantly filled with horrible thoughts and my nerves on high alert

[KIP.]

Malaya, don’t worry. This is a good lesson. A very painful lesson but this is what you will get every time you try to engage with these monsters. He will never accept the blame. He will make you carry the guilt so that he doesn’t have to. It will take a few days to get over the toxic contact but you will pick yourself up and start again. Work towards total no contact. For your own sanity X nasty bullies

[Malaya]

Thanks Kip. I’m starting no contact again. It’s since he’s been emailing and had an extra visit with my son that I didn’t agree to, it’s just all made me go downhill again

Toxic is right. He is like a poisonous gas that seeps into your system, making you sicker and sicker, draining the very life force out of you

I’ve never felt or said this of anyone but I wish he was dead, then at least I’d be free of him

[Nova]

Hi
I am sitting here in the middle of the night with anxiety insomnia…reading your posts and relating to them 100%!
I’m going through a very similar experience…right now & can relate you your words & frustrations!
I’m saying the same things…he’s deluded, a bully, a controller etc. His ignoring the reality of what he’s been doing is SO unbelievably frustrating…as he looks the innocent party in this…& like so many of us, he’s silenced me! Even my family think he’s great & that Its me that has a problem! They have no idea…& I can’t begin to explain so many years of this mess..
We have to keep going, step by step, & sending you big hugs!….we can be strong x

[Malaya]

Cuppa, oh I’m gutted I didn’t see your post in the night. Sending you lots of love. I guess we are going to have to accept that these guys are never going to accept any kind of responsibility for their actions. I woke up this morning to a sh**ty email but I’m just going to ignore it

We know the truth, our women’s aid workers know the truth. The ladies on here give such awesome advice and support. You’re right, one step at a time. Sometimes I have to take it hour by hour when I’m really bad.

What is it they say, the best revenge is to move on and be happy in your life

[KIP.]

Cuppa and Malaya, I’ve been through exactly the same. Please understand that this kind of anxiety is part of the healing process. It’s all natural. It’s horrific but it’s your minds way of dealing with the trauma and it will take time and kindness to yourself to heal. I promise you it will get better. When I was stuck in that state I thought I’d never heal, never recover from this trauma. It’s like a bad car crash. Lots of injuries, healing at different times and eventually it will just be a horrific memory that pops up now and again but you will have the confidence to recognise what it is. Keep moving forwards by taking baby steps.

[Malaya]

Thanks kip. I’ve brushed my teeth already this morning. Little ones gone off to school so I’m going to enjoy a coffee with a bit of my book and then get washed and dressed. I’ve got to go out today and can’t avoid it, it will be good for me to get out and get some fresh air. I’ll have my panic alarm in one pocket and my Valium in the other!

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Malaya, I think that you need to block his emails, its easy to do this if you look at your email settings. I haven’t followed your situation in full so don’t know if you have to have contact for any reason, your child etc. But HIM emailing YOU is Contact. The opposite of No Contact. I know that you are not responding but its still a link that he has made between you two. Any link, direct, undirect or suspected will set your emotions off. Last night I flicked through again No Contact by HG Tudor, its so good for getting down to the nitty gritty of what No Contact consists of. A recent example that I can give you is that I have had indirect contact with the crazy one. What I mean by this is that a recent anniversary that went by made me feel really sad. It made me reminisce about when we were together. I thought about him a lot (I broke No Contact) and felt sad for a few days. I asked myself if the only reason that I have not been in touch with him since we split is because he hasn’t been in touch with me either. I realized this put me in a weak position. (Can you still see, i’m having contact because i’m thinking and fretting). So I decided I needed to change my phone number and email address both of which I did. This set my emotions off further as it was like I had closed another door of reconciliation, i felt sad). This has been one week of highly charged drama which has upset me due to breaking No Contact. I expect in a week or two I will settle down again. XXXXX At this point it will help me to remind myself of the reasons that we ended.

Dear Cuppa, i am sorry that you are in such a horrible position, I remember it so well. Pouring your heart out in the middle of the night, your mind racing and you trying to work everything out. the house quiet but your mind loud and desperate. I have been there so many times, I used to write letters at 2, 3 or 4 in the morning when I was heartbroken and desperate to work it out and for answers. I had work the next day where I had to arrive on time and be on the ball, it was devastating for my life. I am pleased to tell you Cuppa that this is temporary, you will move on from this, it just takes working out which you will do. I remember writing to my ex and such ungodly hours, months ago. I have not done that for a long time now and mostly my sleep is ok. My managers at work at happier with me too. X*X Please keep posting Cuppa X*X

[Malaya]

Unfortunately I have to keep email access open as we have a child. But I have told him I’m going back to only speaking about (detail removed by moderator) I thought I was being nice by offering to (detail removed by moderator) share information like achievements and progress at school

I know now it was a silly idea. He isn’t capable of being mature and communicating decently. At the end of the day it’s easier for me to not have to do that and he is the one losing out

[Malaya]

I need to edit my child’s name out but I don’t know how! I can’t believe I did that

[Healthyarchive]

the moderator will edit it out shortly. X*X When you write a post there is normally an edit button above the post that you can use. Though this seems to disapear after a while.

Dear Malaya, i can empathize with what you have said about trying to be nice, adult and respectful towards your ex. To create a positive breakup to minimize damage and harm as fully as possible to your son. That is normal, responsible and adult behaviour to think to do that and to try to do it. I am very much the same. When I was with my ex, the way that we were together was so bad for my health, i weighted it all up & decided we did not have the fundamental essentials to create a healthy long term positive relationship together. I trusted him zero %, we could not talk, he was so mean, I was frightened of him etc etc. Because of all of these things I decided to end it. I did however care about him and continued to care about him post split, feeling that due to his ways the quality of his life would be horrible. I would have liked to have remained a distant friend who would be there in the background, christmas card , penfriend type of thing. I sent him an email a few months ago, the first since we split saying that I hope he was ok, there were no hard feelings and it would be nice to stay in touch every so often, that I wished him well. He did not reply nor acknowledge my email. I don’t think they can be normal, nice blokes. It seems to be their loss. Your ex could have had that informative, friendly interaction about his son and kept abreast of sons achievements and your non threatening relationship with him would had filtered down to your son. But your ex has chosen he doesn’t want this. I think a lot of this is about them making the rules, deciding what goes and who makes the decision. Because you initiated the nice email arrangement he didn’t like it. He had to create it and make the decision.

[Malaya]

Oh you are so right. He has to control everything. He is always right, he always knows best, his ideas are far superior to anyone else’s. You get the picture

Also he is absolutely furious that I had him arrested and stopped paying for things that were in his name. Then the police and solicitors both gave him a warning as he was threatening to take a load of things from the house

[Healthyarchive]

At the recent Freedom programme we spoke about anger. I said that I was not allowed to get angry during my relationship. Even if my ex did something blatently wrong, out of order and hurtful I was not allowed to express negative emotion. If I did, he would disappear for hours or weeks and I would then have to crawl, beg, try to work it out, and change myself inside out, normally also apologize, so that we could just move forward past his silent treatment. He did some terribly hurtful things to me and not once said sorry, i would always have to chase him and work it out, following my natural expression of anger at his wrong doing. Any negative emotion, especially anger was taboo. The facilitator at the FP said anger is normal and healthy response when you are wronged and for anger to go inside without expression more damaging behaviour can occur. I imagine your ex has taken it as a huge personal slight at being arrested etc. They just cannot accept responsiblity, own up to wrong doing and if anything goes wrong they blame you. Another 3 things discussed at this weeks Fprogramme. X*X

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Malaya, just so I am clear about your situation, have you and your ex officially now separated and both agreeable to the divorce?

I ask as when I was with my ex we had not finished but he was treating me horribly. It made it complicated. Once we had actually split up it made handling the horrible behavior more easy.

[Lilycat]

Hi Malaya,

You’re a wonderful and brave woman who has the courage to sum things up that I couldn’t even talk about and name for years. Also, you are responding to others on the forum by sharing *and* helping. I think that’s fantastic and these are actions that deserve a mention and a big pat on the back.

I can so relate to a lot of what you are saying. I go to work, smile and wear a posh suit; I network and laugh and smile heartily. But, in reality, life is somewhat of an act. I have been fighting self-harm because I sometimes feel so worthless. I even had to wear long-sleeved shirts all Spring and for half of the Summer because I cut my arms and had horrible scars. I am overcoming the desire to harm through sport, which has been really helpful. Slowly, I am getting to understand that I deserve love and respect and that starts with re-learning to love and respect myself- a hard task, but one that has to be done to counteract years of abuse and lies. Rather than leaving myself without showering, I went the opposite way and kept showering and washing my hands, as if I were covered germs that I couldn’t wash off. My skin has got so dry that on some areas I have had to use special creams to restore the moisture and stop my skin from bleeding. Now I have learned that a shower can be pleasant and relaxing and a bathroom can be a quiet place to unwind and treat myself well.

My abusers treated me like a stray dog (not that I’d ever treat a stray dog with the contempt they showed me, but you’ll catch my drift). They never hit me, but I endured years of psychological abuse and gaslighting. Still, because of my culture, religion and upbringing I have never hit back, physically or metaphorically. It’s made me angry that I was so kind and mild, and that I still gave out kindness when they were so evil. But I have learned not to torture myself, because I would have felt undignified and ashamed had I turned into an abuser myself.

Thanks for your courage and for reinforcing the fact that the abuse we experience(d) is not our fault, as survivors. Bit by bit, day by day, we’ll get to see things weeks ahead, then months ahead and then years ahead. It can seem a long and difficult road, but all of us here are moving forwards together.

Cheering you on and wishing you present and future peace and happiness

Lilycat x*x

[Malaya]

Aww lilycat you made me cry. Thank you for your lovely words, it means a lot. I love how you say we are moving forward together, that’s how I feel. By coming on here and sharing mine and your experiences, I feel like we all support each other one way or another. Even if it’s just knowing you’re not the only one.

HA yes we are separated and almost at divorce stage. He left eventually after refusing to move out. Since he has gone I’ve had to get police and women’s aid worker to help. His sheer fury and rage is unbelievable. My WA worker said its common for them to get angry like this as we aren’t doing as we are told anymore. He hates that he can’t control every little thing I do or say, I’m going out more whereas he kept me a prisoner in the house, I parent very differently which has made my son thrive and he can’t bear that I’m ” doing a better job with our son than him” because he always knows best!

I’m back to no contact after I made contact trying to be nice hah! Stupid mistake, I won’t make it again. Contact makes me physically and mentally ill

[Healthyarchive]

Prepare yourself for trouble ahead. Sorry, i know I probably sound so negative & pessimistic.
A brush with a person like our ex’s is devastating for your well being & piece of mind. I am now back to square one where I was at when we first split, due to fresh grief and heartbreak. I cannot wait for the day that I feel truly happy again. X*X (ps, you sound strong Malaya, these men HATE strength and capability, I think they feel its a personal attack. Any sign of strength or independence on my part my ex would show contempt. Good for you. I am strong too and know I will be alright, once over all the horrible hurdles).

[Malaya]

I don’t feel very strong lol. I have moments where I feel righteous indignation and think I’m going to get through this, but then I have days where I can’t even wash or dress I’m so full of anxiety and low mood.

(detail removed by Moderator) For more contact. (detail removed by Moderator) man, I’m the one who questioned how little he was seeing his son!

[Author]

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