23rd March 2016 at 11:55 am #12130
I posted in one of the forums that my father is my issue. Often takes my money and makes me feel bad by saying “oh I just need it to get by until payday” pay day means when my mother gets paid and she doesnt even have control over her money. she asks for her bank card and he gives her a bit of money and she complains that she wants more than that. Anyways I ask for my money back to get to work and what not and he complains that why should he and all.
He often makes fun that i go into panic when im near him and break down. This has been going on most of my life. I mean ever since i was small. (if you want to read more look under the “is it abuse?” forum thingy 🙁 )
a few years ago I was finally diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety. since then ive pretty much “kicked” the depression. And yay! I left my emotionally abusive boyfriend and fell in love with someone who is truly wonderful. But issues are that I can’t seem to function properly. I have severe mood swings that can be really draining on my partner.
I still live at home and I hate it. I’ve been wanting to leave for years but I don’t want to go out guns blazing, if that makes sense. I want to leave on good terms. But my father is really really rude about my boyfriend. We’ve been together for almost a year now but didnt say anything for a long time because we are quite shy people and we dont overtly like to be public about ourselves.
Now my boyfriend, is of the hair colour, not so common. he’s a red head and I love it of course. But my father often refers to him as weak or dysfunctional or allergic to everything etc. Even my older brother jumps in on it saying he’s got no personality because he’s a red head – and even though my boyfriend doesnt say anything he knows it really upsets me and it probably upsets him too. He’s not done anything to them but they laugh at him in front of me, laughing at how he doesnt eat the same foods as us or doesnt like drinking as much as them. And they drink A LOT. I can easily say my father drinks about 20 (give or take a few) a night, every night and my mother has at least a couple bottles a few times a week.
It got to the point when i last met up with my boyfriend that we had a huge breakdown. I often get needy and scared and i feel very alone a lot of the time. I’m constantly upset and I know im bad for just constantly going to him for help. Most of the time I get lost in my own head and often It ends up hurting him because I get frustrated and critical of everything. I shut off and felt vulnerable and started pushing him away from me, and went typically into self loathing – my father is often very critical of me. i feel like nothing i like or do is right… I can’t tell if he’s teasing I don’t know… I don’t feel like i can be myself. But i went into the mode of “I hate everything about myself” and it hurt my boyfriend pretty bad, but i couldnt think straight. Anyways then my boyfriend totally broke down and cried his heart out and that was enough to break me into two and regain my senses. He couldnt tell me why he was crying or anything and just asked to be alone – to which made me feel so guilty that i sobbed all night and slept in the other room. I feel so bad about that. but I just switched in moods. I couldnt even control it and before I knew it I was overwhelmed. I feel so so so bad about it…
That’s not me 🙁
A few nights before going to see him i went to see my brother who deliberately dug at me during a night out. He doesn’t live near us so I went up to see him and we went out dancing and such – but at the end of the night he was asking his girlfriend if he had a personality or if he was a “wet lettuce” (which is what they call my boyfriend). My mum says its just teasing. But it’s pretty much every night and it really depresses me.
every day at work im slow and sluggish, im exhausted and drained and upset and lonely and trapped and i feel so so so worthless… I dont feel like i deserve anything…
I’m usually/used to be quite happy and quirky. I can be quiet because i enjoy time to myself. But I am getting scared that my feelings of being trapped and scared and alone may cost me my relationship. It’s not healthy our relationship, and our good times are really good, but then suddenly i think about my past or going home and i totally lose it. He even told me that he saw how different i become when my dad is away from me and when he’s at home. I said many times that I just want to get out but moving in with the boyfriend is impractical as its long distance due to his studying and my job. I dont earn enough to live on my own as im studying and working. But I can’t stand to be here any longer. I don’t want to lose my boyfriend… I want to be happier and away from my father but I don’t want to cause issues with him and i just want to go with no hassle.
I want to call up WA but theres no where safe I can call. Im at work most of the day and the walls are really thin at home – that and i get no privacy so if someone was to overhear it would be bad. That and im a little uncomfortable on the phone… I really need some advice on just coping through this or how to get out. I am so stuck and trapped and I cannot stand being here anymore. My life is so controlled and I cannot take it.Always being judged always being controlled.
xxI am sorry if the paragraphs are jumbled or repetitive and all.
After many years of depression my mind became very jumpy and continuous prose is difficult for me 🙁
(I swear) 😉
23rd March 2016 at 12:58 pm #12132KIP.Participant
Hi there, if you could find out where your local Women’s Aid is, you could drop by. They may be able to offer you a place in a refuge meantime. Your family sound awful and I think your boyfriends tears may come from frustration. Seeing you unhappy and not able to do anything about it. There is a great book called Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven. It will inform you about controlling behaviour. It may also be that your family are jealous of your happiness. Don’t worry about leaving on ‘good terms’. I don’t think this will ever happen. Abusers don’t like to see us happy and will do everything to destroy that. Can you afford to rent a room from someone or flat share meantime. I would also speak to my GP. Mine is excellent and very knowledgeable on domestic abuse. She may be able to arrange councelling to help you cope with your dysfunctional family. I would distance myself from them and do things with your boyfriend that don’t involve your family, or being anywhere near them. If you’re looking for closure or any kind of reasonable behaviour, it will not come. Look online for email address. I think WA may be available on email. Take care of yourself. You have done nothing wrong but you won’t have time to heal while your mind is taken up with surviving the abuse. You need to get away from your abusers x
23rd March 2016 at 9:52 pm #12151AyannaParticipant
Oh hun, this is awful. It seems that your boyfriend is a very nice character.
I agree with KIP, that you should speak to your GP and also you should look for a room to rent somewhere in a shared accommodation. That should be affordable.
You need to get out of there and then go zero contact for a while. x*x
28th March 2016 at 12:27 am #12383
It scares me to leave.
I picked up a copy of that book – I can relate some of the attributes to him, he doesn’t fully fit one category or another, is that normal?
I am petrified to go back to my GP after being shamed for going for help last time and having CBT. I really cannot take the pain.
The whole prospect of trying to get out frightens me…
I know it sounds like I don’t want to help myself, But i have no back bone. I am so petrified.
I just end up having panic attacks about the possible outcomes…
I feel like I am in a viscous loop with no way out….
28th March 2016 at 12:43 am #12385lover of no contactParticipant
Leaving an abuser is a process. Do not panic. Small steps are fine for now. You are at the very important stage of awareness, of not being in denial, that your father’s behaviour is hurting you. Awareness of the truth of what’s going on is painful and fearful.
Keep posting on here, and reading the posts on here, that is you taking the first steps of preparing yourself to leave the abusive relationship with your father.
Also are there any al-anon groups in your area(support group for family/friends affected by loved one’s drinking?
My awareness that something wasn’t right with my ex-husband’s and I in 2007, I then joined al-anon, my denial continued to lift, it became intolerable living with him 2010, but I didn’t manage to fully get away from the abusive relationship until (removed by moderator). Leaving for some of us takes time.
The longest journey starts with a single step.
29th March 2016 at 10:48 am #12462
Thank you all for getting back to me.
It was hell last night.
He was fighting with mum again, about a month ago they told me they were going to go their separate ways and from there didnt say anything else. But i could hear my mum saying “you’re being childish, stop trying to push me out of bed” and him saying “im not.” and then she got up and said “f**k you and f**k your solicitor”(?!?!?!?) and walked off. before that they were slamming doors and I think even my older brother was around to be caught in the cross fire.
it went on into the early hours of the morning. I was shaking so bad. Oh man I havent slept. I’m so worried about my mum but i feel if i approach her about it she will tell me its nothing…
I just want him to stop hurting us…
my boyfriend told me i shut him out and he feels like hes smashing his head on a wall and not making a dent…emotions are a bad thing in my house… how do i explain how toxic this environment is? I try so hard to feel normal but i can’t relax and my moods are hectic…
I had a look at the al-anon unfortunately the nearest one to me is quite far out…
I probably sound like i am going in loops…
I just try to get through each hour without a battle…
I get told he’s abusive, but when i look at him and sit with him i just cant bring myself to believe it… its when he fights or shouts I remember … I feel physically ill when i think about it…
I feel hopeless… I am not strong I have no backbone… I cant get away 🙁
29th March 2016 at 10:50 am #12463
Secondly I contacted Samaritans…
I totally lost my head yesterday in the fear…
I felt trapped and I felt like I wanted to end it…
I feel so hopeless…
just wanting to be invisible…
29th March 2016 at 12:54 pm #12465godschildParticipant
Hi, I can understand how hopeless you feel and hope the Samaritans helped a little. Don’t blame yourself for not having backbone , you are in an awful situation. Can you not tell your Mom that you heard what was going on, it sounds like she needs help as well. Please call Womens aid they will be able to advise you, sendning you a hug to say I care x
29th March 2016 at 3:01 pm #12473AyannaParticipant
I totally understand you!
I had an abusive dad and all I wanted was to get out all my life and when I finally had the chance I was scared to an unbelievable extent. I left at age (detail removed by moderator) after he had given me a concussion and I was battered and black and blue on my entire body.
But I instantly suffered severe anxiety attacks and they lasted for many years. I forced myself to function and eventually the anxiety eased.
That is a very long time ago and in those days police would not intervene, there was no support for women and no counselling and no GP to talk to, not even helplines to call.
Please call Women’s Aid as Godchild said. Maybe there is a way for you to get out and not feeling so anxious.
When we live with abuse since childhood it is very difficult to get out without help and to live on our own. I had many struggles in my life because of my childhood and I also did not have the right judgement when it came to choosing life partners. I married because I thought this time I made the right choice and some years later I ended up being saved by police from a situation that could have cost me my life.
Childhood trauma due to abuse is extremely damaging and it takes a very long time to find our way AFTER we get out.
CBT treatment is so wrong for this type of problem. What we need are years of counselling and psychological input. But this is not available.
I began reading psychology books very early in life and now I am back into psychology again and mental awareness and meditation stuff … I think that is the only way forward for me to ever live a meaningful and happy life.
You are very young and you can turn your life around to the better.
Do not give up.
Call helplines and read a lot. Find strategies to make yourself stronger and confident.
It is a long process. Nowadays there are opportunities for us to build our confidence and develop ourselves to have a better life. Grab all these opportunities. Universities now offer free counselling for students, even mindfulness classes.
Keep posting here. Put into words what goes on in your head. Big hugs! xxxxx
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