Struggling to leave.

[Anonymous]

Hi I’m new, been trying to get some online help for about a month now. Been with my partner (detail removed by Moderator) years have an amazing (detail removed by Moderator) year old together and a step son. Our relationship has always been toxic i guess, lots of messages to other women, gambling, drugs, family problems. I just was so held on to making him a better man that i knew he could be ive lost myself in the process. Since having my son my feelings changed and he become my world, i wanted to stay home with our son to teach him myself so thats whats happened, we were saving for a house but partner spent some saving then had to go self employed so we ended up renting. Things have got worse the last few months because i dont want to have sex with him, so he was calling me names, waking me up early hours to throw food at me ( him being drunk ). He recently just spent (detail removed by Moderator) pound on gambling and im honestly so worn down i cant even deal with it all atm, i managed to get my credit card paid off wwhich was initially my plan to pay off and leave…. i thought we had a good heart to heart (detail removed by Moderator) i said we both weren’t happy, his drinking all weekend and looking for that “buzz” because his just an addict in every way. Yet because i feel so run down his managed to turn it around and say he doesn’t want to loose us, he wants another chance ive just been pretty silent, i just want peace. Feel like I’m on a rollercoaster ride and i want to get off, but then i feel so sad for him and sad that his family are c**p and ge has no one and i end up falling back into my make believe family life. I don’t know how to finish with him and im so worried itll be nasty that its probably why I’ve held on so long and also so i could be with my son 24/7. I need advice, i know i shouldn’t put his happiness before my own I’m just at a loss what to do next! I know my family want me to leave him even though they love him they’ve heard sorry too many times yoo, they also know its my decision and i can feel they’re waiting for me. I know I dont want my son growing up in a toxic family life either. Help please.

[dustypink]

Hi Mumofone17,

I feel sorry for you, it’s so hard when instead of getting support from your partner you have to sort out his life!

From my own experience, it is not possible to change someone by all your love, patience and trying hard. Whatever you do, you will always be the reason and he will always find excuses.

You know the answer. You need to think about yourself and your son. Your partner is not our son, he is an adult and has to be responsible for his own life and his family’s happiness. If his is not able to, he’s just a wrong man and it’s impossible to change anything, trust me.

Please think about yourself and your little boy! these are the most important things in your life!
It’s hard, but you need to take responsibility and t make right decisions in the best interests of both of you.

Please stay strong, I’m sure you’ll get lots of support here!

[Anonymous]

Thank you. Honestly I have done everything in my power the last (detail removed by Moderator) years to build myself back up, i worked my whole life and studied full time before having my son. So has been difficult when reliant on money, i needed to do what was best for me and my son for the time being and that was to build up and make sure i left with no debt. I guess my problem is now that I feel sad for my partner and even though i come across strong, I’m also scared too, its not a easy decision to make to leave as you probably know, he can be the most amazing funny person, but he is also my enemy and i feel like im with two different people. I know lots of people say they never change, i guess thats why im at this point. Thank you for your reply

[dustypink]

I split to my ex with no job at all and 3 little children.
I thought there is no exit and no solution for me.
I’ve been thinking it’s easier to die.
And he also was so nice often, just a perfect man, which dropped me in doubts so many times… But it’s just a part of his game. And it always will be like this.
I have just started to do small steps. Very small steps, but in the right direction. It took almost two years for me, but i survived.

I’ve read recently about one experiment explaining why so many women got trapped into abusive relationship while it’s so obvious for everyone else that you have to leave immediately.

In short words, if you put a frog into a hot water – it will immediately jump out.
But if you put the same frog into the cold water and heat it up slowly, it will stay there and die.

This is exactly what’s happening with us.
It was nice in the beginning. And it’s getting worse so slow that we are not able to notice the difference.
But there are just 2 options available – jump out or to die.

[Anonymous]

Well done for taking the steps, even be it small steps, its so hard and i too have tried to end it all twice in the last year, although once i was spiked and another i was with my partne and it wasn’t long after i found messages between him and a girl wed met, that was hard to swallow, Sounds so ridiculous when I think about it and Its scary as i never ever could leave my little one or family etc and those little ones need you! But when your strong so long its hard not to want a quick escape. You’ve got this, wish you all the luck in leaving. X*x

[dustypink]

Hi Mumofone17,

Thank you!
I am actually out for quite a long period of time and rebuilt my life fully.

You’ve left him twice – these are the steps! The true is that you will quit anyway. You are here, which means you understand you have to do this. And you will do! Just takes time!

[Author]

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