Struggling to make sense of it all

[Bobs]

Hi
I really dont know what I’m doing anymore. My story seems trivial in comparison but I’ve been told by the police and social care that I need to talk. I wish I could shout if from the highest mountain but who will believe me?
I have been married and had 2 beautiful children. I dont see their father and neither do they since he married again, his choice.
I started seeing a friend and it was amazing. We have been together(detail removed by moderator) years, we dont live together, he comes to my house at wknds. No commitment from him and he still lives at home with his mum at (detail removed by moderator) Its only since this (detail removed by moderator) that I’ve literally had the world ripped from under me.
Talking to social care and friends, actually saying the words out loud has made me sick, guilty and ashamed that I’ve allowed this man to behave like it around my children. I wont go into details but it’s always around his drinking when he gets violent. The usual, punch, headbutt, throwing things, smashing things up, peeing up my door, vial name calling. (detail removed by moderator) he attacked my daughter (detail removed by moderator)
Fast forward a month and I’m a complete mess, I cant stop reliving it all and feel so ashamed. He has text to say hes getting help and messages once a week asking me how I am. My head is completely wrecked and I honestly dont know where to turn. My friends are telling me to run a mile and I know they’re right but I cant get him out of my head. I’m tired and cant cope any more

[lover of no contact]

Hi and welcome. You’re definitely in the right place here. You’ll soon start to feel better and stronger by posting on here as much as you need and reading the posts. We’ve all had (or still having)the feelings you have now. It’s the fallout of having being in contact with a person who is abusive in their ways. You are not the problem, he is. Very hard to stay sane and in a healthy mind-set when having any amount of contact with a person who chooses and needs to hurt us. You have a lot of healing to do, but you will heal and get back to the person you are. No wonder you feel so awful and low as you have been traumatized badly by this man.

Your friends are right. Run for the hills and never look back. Block him, delete anything to do with him. You will only start healing when you have No Contact at all with him. Of course he won’t like this because he weakens if he has no contact with you; so he will try every way to ‘Hoover ‘ you back into contact with him.

Your mind and emotions in a mess is what contact with them do to us. But your sane thinking will come back once you start a robust no contact regime with him.

[Bobs]

Thank you for your kind words. I wish I could just flick a switch so I could stop thinking about him for just a short time. I’m exhausted.

I do have great friends around me, I just need to keep talking and get through it, my way x

[Peacethroughhealing]

Absolutely go no contact. I am out but things rumble on as he works in the same company as me. I thought my heart would break finding the strength to stop the contact but it’s the only way or else you will be wrecked as you say. I used that word too and I was a mess, devastated, couldn’t believe it and struggled to understand but you can understand these men. They are vile manipulators. I had the same messages that he would get help, all the lies under the sun. It turns out he has previous before me. It’s going through an investigation now and work know too. I feel stronger now but it’s taken time away from him to build the strength back. I wasn’t eating, sleeping. I was going down hill and he wouldn’t have cared. I supported him for months and months as he gave up alcohol and he took my support and abused me as he got sober. Get out while you can and don’t look back.

[Peacethroughhealing]

I also thought about him constantly as that’s how they do it. They reel us in and then boom the abuse starts and they don’t hold back. What he offered was fantasy land and then comes the reality.

[Shocked]

I also think about mine all the time, the drive I have sometimes to run back to him is so real in every fibre of my body.

But I know the abuse will start again and probably escalate so I have a list of the worst and I privately read it to remind myself why I can’t go back,,,because I choose to care about me.

Hang in there, it’s been (detail removed by moderator) for me with no contact and it still drives me crazy but sometimes a few hours go by without me thinking about him. You have done the right thing hang in there

[Bobs]

I havent contacted him now for (detail removed by moderator), I keep playing different scenarios over in my head but I know I need to stay away. Its hurting me so much. I’ve been advised to go to the doctors for help sleeping, as I’m having palpitations and also to try 1:1 counselling. I’m feeling so confused. You all sound so strong and amazing women. I hope I get there one day… thank you all, again

[Peacethroughhealing]

Bobs I was a mess (detail removed by moderator) (and the year before to an extent). I thought there was no point in living without him and I loved him with all my heart. I wanted to spend my life with this man now I have been spending my time photographing texts and putting. Timeline together for the police. It’s brainwashing and manipulation. (detail removed by moderator) I was broken by him and the conflict in me was incredible because I wanted so much to be with him but he was tearing me apart with the abuse. The longer you go no contact it does help and I didn’t think it ever would but the ladies on here kept saying it. I’ve been reading all the manipulating texts and from his family too and I am so angry now because his family wanted me to stay with him because it took him off their back. I am determined for justice now. Keep going forward. x

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