Struggling to move on and mad at myself

[overreactinglady]

Hi everyone and want to check in and see how you’re all doing.
Sorry if this post is a long one.

I have been struggling to move on after experiencing a gaslighting relationship with my ex and have been suffering from regular panic attacks and on occasions have had nightmares of him attacking me in my sleep.

But despite everything he did, part of me can’t seem to forget him and think I was in the wrong. It doesn’t make any sense to me and sure this is affecting my healing process. He has had a hard time himself and trying to support him and be kind and caring but this is something I feel has been ignored and unappreciated. Its not something done for recognition but to help.

My family want me to unfollow him on social media and that’s the step I’ve been struggling to make and this was a major issue when together because he would chat to women there and now we’re not together, he can spend hours online now but that makes me feel crazy noticing that even though I’m going online to chat my friends and family.

I don’t want to let him or his actions get to me and I’d like to hope am not a spiteful person or anything but how I’ve been left feeling right now is am trying to pick up the pieces of his behaviour and he’s free to carry on as normal like nothing ever changed. But am trying to be strong and show that he’s not getting to me and can grow without him.

Part of me does still care for him but I need to move forward and please can anyone help with advice, I’d really appreciate it and hope we can chat soon. Thanks for reading and I hope we can share and heal together.

[Hawthorn]

The nightmares and panic attacks could be PTSD, which is very common after an abusive relationship. Do you have support from your GP and womens aid? If not you should reach out to them, what you’re experiencing is very distressing and you deserve support.

Feeling confused and having intrusive thoughts, like feeling guilty and as though you were to blame is very normal after suffering abuse. It is a result of the brainwashing abusers subject us to. There are some good resources on YouTube like DrRamani on recovering from abuse. If you like to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is excellent, as is How He Gets Inside Her Head by Don Hennessey. Understanding why you are having these thoughts is helpful in overcoming them.

Your family are right about unfollowing him on social media. The trauma bond is like a drug addiction and cold turkey is the only way to get clean. The fastest route to your recovery is to go no contact. Block and unfollow him on everything and focus on yourself.

You have been through a traumatic experience and you need to be very kind to yourself. It will take time to get over this but you will. Keeping building your support network and educating yourself about what has happened to you. You are not alone and it does get easier.

Sending strength and a big hug xx

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