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Hi ladies
I feel as my issue is so small compared to what u ladies r going through , but wanted to ask does anyone else struggle to get into new relationship after experiencing abuse . I just feel like I’m always turning guys down and finding excuses why we shouldn’t be together , has been over (detail removed by moderator) now so not like I’m at early stage , when ever they mention intimacy, I back off , part of me is saying trust my gut and that if it’s saying stay away do exactly that , but then I think ex has won and I’m just alone cause won’t give no one a chance , sometimes I feel so sad for working so hard but then I think if don’t work hard how will support myself and children , I try not to compare myself to my friends who r single but have more support or at friends who r just settled in their life . But I can’t help it …. everyone around me just seems to have a partner that want to talk with them as well as get sexual , I justvswwm to attract guys that want sex only ,
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Hello Confused 123,
I feel just like you do. I have been out for a few months now and feel that the few guys I attracted only wanted sex and the ones who actually want something a little more serious have abuser written all over their faces. I tell myself all the time that while romantic relationships might be nice and fulfilling at times, I can also be perfectly happy on my own. That gets me through difficult days.
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Sad times I think when so many men just view women as posh w***s. It took me, shaking, talking to a bloke,at a distance, some time ago, every nerve I had, was only very brief, but he came back at closing time was obvious he wanted a lift home alone with me and I truly saw what I have been so blind to all the years,that I’m literally a lump of meat to them and its gross.
So I wouldn’t be in any rush, or feel your self-esteem need lower; if someone is genuinely interested in who you are no explanations are needed, it will take time to get to know someone and them you. Abusers take the time they think is needed, if they can be bothered, otherwise the just pick another who will sleep with them.
Look for a friend, not sex, I think all the physical attraction gets in the way of waiting to really find out who someone is.
Don’t put pressure on yourself to be in a relationship get busy enjoying your own pursuits and life, there’s probably nothing more appealing!
Go you! confused123, good to see you doing so well
Warmest wishes. Ts
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Hi Confused123 I think you helped me when I’d just left my ex. Hope you’re doing ok. I haven’t dated at all since him, I’ve felt too scared and not strong enough yet. Like you and the other ladies I’ve tended to attract abusers or men who just want sex despite being educated and dressing modestly.
It also occurred to me that we need to stop blaming ourselves for this. Without wanting to tar all men with the same brush, it seems a lot of them are just not very nice people and if they can will sleep with multiple women, no strings attached including cheating. It’s not our fault that a lot of men are disrespectful misogynists, that responsibility lies firmly with men and a patriarchal society.
I do think our low self esteem doesn’t help. We need to build ourselves back up. I could have cried with frustration after all the women I see with seemingly lovely partners and always wondered ‘why her and not me?’ But have to remember it may well not be a good relationship underneath the perfect exterior.
I do believe there are good men out there. We need to realise we are worthy of a good man and in fact any man is extremely lucky to be with any of the incredible strong brave beautiful women on this site. I would like a partner but feel less urgency as I work towards my goals and also remind myself every day that being alone is a million times more preferable to being with an abuser.
Have you had any therapy to process what happened and to discuss your current dating situation?
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I was lucky and met someone new fairly quickly. We’ve been together for several months now and there are still no red flags. Sure, there was stuff to make me unsure of the relationship – bit normal stuff, like I live in a small community and know his ex (awkward). He smokes, I don’t. I’m a cat person and he has a dog… If these are the kind of reasons you are choosing not to date people then it might be an idea to do some therapy or something (although it is also fine if smoking or dog ownership is a deal breaker for you). If you are turning people down because they make you uncomfortable, pressure you towards having sex with them, seem like they are lying to you, push you to move faster than you would like or any other red flag then I think actually you have won, not your ex. You have become a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man if he isn’t going to treat you right, and that is a good thing. Enjoy your freedom, do the things you want to do, and don’t get too caught up in the relationship game. It’ll happen in it’s own due time, if you want it to.
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aah thx u all the lovely ladies who replied, yes not desperate to get in a relationship as have so many goals and still re establishing myself financially,but just feel as if thats all i do work 247 and would just like that male company, told the guy its not going to prob even work but he just accepted and said we can take slower if i prefer but understands either way, so not sure how to play it, but thxs for always listening and advising always helps loads. Sending u all loads of love and hope u all healing .
sunshine – only had counselling when i left ex to realise how dangerous he was and why i needed to stay away, think cause he was my only partner, have no one to compare to, but can spot red flags a ,mile away
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