struggling to say how it's made me feel

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

So my ex is being charged and it’ll most likely go on trial – can’t see him pleading guilty! – my ISVA has said I can do a Victim Impact Statement which will be read out in court in the event of a conviction and help to aid sentencing.

So I thought I’d try and write down how it’s made me feel. (Doing a draft now because I know I’m emotionally unattached and have worked through all the emotions of what happened, so want a rough idea of what to say before my DC asks me to do the VIS)

And I can’t.

I can write the facts. I can speak the facts. I can spout off the facts about exactly what happened until I’m blue in the face and everyone’s sick of hearing about it…but I don’t know how I feel

[Ayanna]

Hugs! I had the same issue. My feelings are still dead. When I wrote the Victim Impact Statement I wrote about my changed life, that I avoid social contacts, that I have nightmares and flashbacks and I wrote about the medical conditions I developed as a direct consequence of the abuse.
I wrote about the re-traumatisation due to the court hearings, what happened with me before and after the court hearings … When I wrote it like that I could actually add what was going on in my mind as well. I took a few days to write it. I changed it a few times and in the end I found it good.
Maybe that helps? x*x

[Falling Skys]

Hi and hugs

Write the facts, the rest will follow. To survive we have had to detach ourselves from what we felt.

You can say it’s made you dead inside. I have flash backs and I go through the feelings.

Good luck sounds like an ordeal to go through.

FS xx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

That does,thank you Ayanna.

There’s just so much that’s happened aswell, the feeling trapped because no one could ever help me and all the times I tried to escape from him etc, the fear I lived in, the shame and embarrassment of the sexual abuse. I imagine the defence will quiz me as to why I didn’t report straight away so I don’t need to add that in! Do I put why I constantly wanted to go home when I first fled? I can’t imagine defence will see that and not try to twist it lol so it’ll probably be bought up in court anyway? xx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Thank you FS, I can mostly manage my PTSD/flashbacks now, but everytime I have to give a statement or something happens it just triggers it all off again…and can take days before my brain will stop going over it all.

I feel sick and exhausted. xx

[Ayanna]

Yes, you can add everything in. Look up Stockholm Syndrome. That is what we all suffer from when we live with abusers for years. That’s why we do not report. It is awful to write this down, but you have to do it. Read about the dominator and n*********s. Take your time. Give yourself a week to finish it off. After finishing it you will feel better, because you put everything into words that goes round as cloudy emotions in your head. It helps in many ways, not only for the court.

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