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    • #129366
      Spiderweb
      Participant

      I am having a bad day today… Really struggling to focus on work, have loads of things to do but can’t myself to do it. I feel very anxious and expecting a row to start any minute now, even breathing in I do it quietly so that I don’t trigger him….
      I am in pain all over my body but I think it is nerves and tension that is taking over day by day and I can’t do anything to ease it.
      Sorry for rumbling, I just needed to get this out in typing in hopes it may help me somehow.

    • #129368
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Spiderweb

      I hope writing it down helped in some small way. Waiting for that explosion is very stressful, I’m not surprised you ache all over. It sounds very tense.

      Are you able to take a break from work and get out for a walk?

      I’m afraid I don’t really know what the explosion will be like as I don’t know your story. If you feel unsafe, please call your local dv charity for support and don’t be afraid to dial 999 if you need to. xx

    • #129371
      Spiderweb
      Participant

      Hi Eggshells,

      Thank you for replying and yes, possibly it has helped me somewhat to write this down. I wfh and not able to go out for a walk and he wouldn’t let me go outside by myself anyway.
      I shared my story in the new members section yesterday.

      I don’t know if I am unsafe at the moment as I don’t know when it will start again 🙁 I am at the very beginning of my journey at the moment with realization that what’s happening to me is DA but I am not yet there to take the next steps I think.

    • #129374
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      Spiderweb, I’m really sad to hear how you’re feeling. I remember constantly feeling like I was tensing my body in defence, even though my ex was never violent.

      WFH with your abuser in the house is really tough. I really struggled with it and of course didn’t want to share with my boss.

      Well done for facing the reality of what’s happening to you. You will take the next steps when you’re ready. Nobody who understands abuse will push you to do it any sooner.

      Try to be kind to yourself. You are living in a war zone and trauma is inevitable. I found reading about abuse incredibly helpful in making sense of my situation and helping me find the courage to leave. I always recommend Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. You also need to feel safe enough to leave, so the best thing you can do is try to shift your focus away from him and onto you. The abuse trains you to put his needs first to keep you safe. But you need to retrain your mind to believe that your needs matter and that you are far more capable than he wants you to believe. Of course you need to be careful not to take risks that are too dangerous, but where you can, do things that put your needs first. It will help you feel stronger. Sending lots of love xxxx

    • #129381
      Weemebreeze
      Participant

      Hi Spiderweb, I wanted you to know that I just read your post in the new members section and my heart goes out to you. I really feel for you. You’re doing the right thing to reach out on here. I’m not very good with advice so I’ll let the other ladies guide you but I definitely agree with ISOPeace, reading as much as you can and learning about abuse definitely helped/helps me. I know it’s really hard but try not to feel guilty and punish yourself, there’s absolutely no excuse, no justification for abuse. It’s not acceptable in any circumstance. I hope you’re ok. sending a hug xx

    • #129384
      Spiderweb
      Participant

      Hi ISOPeace and Weemebreeze,
      Thank you so much for your responses and advice – it is so much appreciated. I will look up the book ICOPeace suggested and will read it. Although I mentally understand what he does is DA, I feel there is so much more for me to learn about it and still to understand. Mainly so that I can start actually believing that I don’t deserve his attitude despite mistake I had made in the past.
      WFH doesn’t help with isolation from the world, I haven’t been outside for the past few days and when I want to go for a walk, he goes with me so I don’t even get my own space anymore 🙁
      I am trying to keep it together on top of making sure kids are ok, chores, cooking, work and also so that I don’t trigger him into another incident – it’s just getting too much for me….
      I always think that next time will be the last one he physically or verbally/psychologically abuses me but in the end I always slip back to his “other” better persona and hope that things will change.
      Being here in this forum is my safe heaven for now where I can talk and share with all of you, and get support and assurance that what’s happening isn’t right.
      I hope one day I will have strength enough to leave and get my old self back….
      Thank you again for all your kind words and support xx

    • #129385
      Weemebreeze
      Participant

      You’ve got an awful lot of pressure on your shoulders right now. I just wanted to assure you 100% that none of this is your fault, you don’t deserve any of it and it most definitely is abuse. It’s not acceptable under any circumstance. I was in similar situation last year – WFH during lockdown with (detail removed by moderator) child, same as you treading on eggshells every day,exhausted, being relieved with each day that passed that it was a day without abuse but knowing it was a day closer to the next explosion. I can only say that in my case, it got worse, more frequent and more severe. I’ve been free for a short while and whilst it’s incredibly difficult, the pressure and threat lift and energy and safety returns. Stay safe and go at your speed and reach out to women’s aid if/when you’re able. xx

    • #129399
      Spiderweb
      Participant

      Hi Weemebreeze,

      Yes that’s exactly how I feel – exhausted, waiting for another explosion every day and grateful when it doesn’t happen but knowing that it will come again. He is doing silent treatment now, looking all sad and thoughtful and if I ask if everything is ok, he says yes but keeps behaving like I don’t even exist in the same room. it is usually what happens before the explosion 🙁
      His behavior now triggers my guilt more and more and again I feel that whatever happens next, will be deserved by me and I don’t deserve woman’s aid help because he will win any argument over mine at any time.

      • #129408
        Weemebreeze
        Participant

        You deserve all the help and happiness and safety that there is in the world. You don’t deserve to feel guilty or to be treated like this. I can’t stress that enough – there’s no justification, no excuse for terrorizing, tormenting, abusing. He should be the one feeling guilty for making you feel this way – sadly these men aren’t capable of that – no conscience, no empathy. They’re utterly rotten at the core. Any “charm” is turned on deliberately and turned off by choice. It’s really hard to get your head round that, i still struggle with wondering if he ever really felt anything for me and i “miss” the man that i thought he was. the issue is – the man i fell for was a fake – a front he presented to me to hook me. the real him is the man that abuses, torments and frightens. Stay strong, you’re doing really well. You deserve help and there’s lots of great support out there to help you with an exit plan and guide you along the way.

      • #129412
        Spiderweb
        Participant

        Thank you, this is very powerful and helpful, and just by reading this it makes me feel like I am on the right path. I hope I will get there soon and will be able to proudly say that I got out of the abusive relationship and will be able to rebuild my life.
        Thank you for all your support, you cannot imagine how much I appreciate it xx

      • #129414
        Weemebreeze
        Participant

        You’re very welcome. This forum has helped me more than I ever thought was possible. Keep posting, keep reading. You’re definitely on the right path. Trust your gut. Sending a hug xx

    • #129400
      Spiderweb
      Participant

      I am really sorry to hear what you have been through Weemebreeze and I can understand and relate to the feelings you had and grateful that you are out and safe xx

    • #129402
      Grey Rock
      Participant

      Hi Spidersweb,

      Yes, I remember the ‘stonewalling’ as some of the most scary experiences. Just waiting for the explosion, treading on eggshells desperately trying not to trigger the inevitable.

      It’s taken me some time living without it to stop that exhausting hypervigilance, but my escape has proved to be the best emotional investment I ever made. I’m now in my own tiny flat, decorated (not very professionally I must admit) in colours I like, surrounded by things that are meaningful to me (not that ‘stuff’ is of ultimate importance, but it feels like my home whereas I always felt that it was definitely his kingdom before, and he made all the decisions with anything that was mine tucked away). My clothes are now in the bedroom instead of my (detail removed by moderator). I am home. I am physically and emotionally safe. It did take a while and there was a good year of upheaval and uncertainty to get where I am now but I know it was worth it. I am worth it. I’ve been able to find myself again. I thought that person had been lost forever. I hope and pray that you will make an escape soon. You deserve it. Everyone does.

      Yes, no doubt he’ll turn on his glamour again every so often when he seems it necessary to keep you hooked in, or to impress someone outside your relationship with the Mr Wonderful lie, but the occasional prince doesn’t make up for living with a poisonous toad the rest of the time.

      Womens aid can help with an exit plan (worth making one ready, even if you’re not sure when you’ll be brave enough to use it. There are lots of charitable trusts that you can apply to for practical assistance too. Women’s Aid directed me to one that paid for flooring, washing machine and fridge freezer, and some essential furnishings when I found somewhere to live. I left with no idea now I’d accomplish these practical things but with Women’s Aid helping me and taking one day at a time it all came together eventually. I used to feel cursed and had lost faith in humanity. Nowadays I feel very blessed and grateful, and my faith in humanity has been restored which is the biggest blessings to have come from this journey.

      You’re in my prayers today SW.

      GR

    • #129407
      Spiderweb
      Participant

      Hi Grey Rock,

      Thank you for your response and sharing your experience and it gives me delight and happiness to see you are safe and in your own home. What you had shared does resemble to me that my husband also doesn’t let me buy things for home that I like (apart from two rare occasions he did let me buy stuff) and always tells me I am wasting money on things like that….
      He also plays with my head a lot lately, telling me I did things I didn’t do and making me doubt it repeating again and again that I did it.
      I fear that if I get in touch with Womens Aid, there will be no coming back. I am doubting myself if I really do need help and if they will believe me not him as he will put his most charming persona if needs be and will make it all about himself and that I am the one who is in the wrong. Mostly I am worried about my kids and how they would take it as they love their dad and he is treating them well. He has always been too strict with eldest one though but now eldest one is under his spell and I am afraid that if I leave, he won’t come with me. I can’t leave without my eldest child, if I go, I go with both of them.
      My husband also always tells me that I (detail removed by moderator) but he keeps telling me that he is right and that I am not a good mother.
      My head is all over the place at the moment and I am feeling more and more stressed every day waiting for next explosion and hoping that it would be the last trigger for me to do something finally.
      Thank you for praying for me Grey Rock, it is so much appreciated as I feel I need all prayers there are at the moment to give me strength to finally break free xx

    • #129416
      Grey Rock
      Participant

      Hi Spidersweb.

      More prayers just sent up for you and all the other ladies struggling on here tonight.

      If you speak to Women’s Aid it will be in confidence. They won’t do anything or contact anyone if you don’t want them to. They also know that leaving is a hard decision to make. Their support is not conditional on you leaving. I spoke to them before I made my final escape. At that point I wasn’t ready. Not brave ur desperate enough at the point. The consequences of leaving seemed more scary than those of staying just then. But it did help me to get things out of my head and into words. Less muddled if you like.

      Take care.
      GR

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