Struggling today

[I am better than this]

I’m sorry I’ve not been on for a long time. I’ve started my chemo/radiotherapy treatment and am halfway through it now. Been a very hard slog especially with trying to maintain normality with my little boy.
I have an amazing oncologist who on hearing the stress my ex is putting me through, set me up with some counselling/legal advice re the Martletts. My ex had agreed to not take our child on access days to the new woman’s home whilst I was having treatment. I have always found it incredibly stressful knowing this woman who plays with him and smiles sweetly at him, is the same woman who happily slept with my husband behind her husbands back, with her kids asleep in the next rooms. A truly horrible set up.
True to form, my ex has been taking our son to hers every single access day. He has no alone time with our son ever.

The Martletts team put social services on my case, which scared the hell out of me. But they were wonderful. They listened as I spoke of all that had happened throughout our time together and all the webs of lies he’s spun since we parted. I’m still finding out truths now. Like he physically abused an ex before me too, breaking her fingers!
He’s even told our son that I’m going to die. Heartbreaking.
Social services have told me I’m within my legal rights to stop all access instantly. They’ve advised me to get a solicitors letter sent to him, telling him he will not be having access again. Basically to force him to take me to court. Whereupon, social services have said that they will be called upon and will be recommending supervised access as they are saying they totally disagree with the speed at which he has introduced our son to the new woman and how he has been behaving since my cancer diagnosis.

This is all great but I’m in the midst of treatment and its aggressive treatment too that makes it difficult for me to have the time to see a solicitor.
So I text my ex telling him to stop taking our son to this woman. That access was for him to bond not her.
His reply was disgusting. He said he believed our sons health was at risk from my illness and that he had no stability as he believed I couldn’t take care of him and that he was being passed from piller to post. Totally untrue. I am looking after him! It’s me that cooks and bathes him and puts him to bed. Me! My older adult daughter comes to stay for few days after I’ve had chemo to help. But it’s still me doing everything for our son. I’m so hurt by his ignorant assumptions. I’ve discussed nothing with my ex about my illness because I don’t trust him in any way whatsoever.

My self esteem is rock bottom at moment. I’m struggling to heal. I want to stop the stressful worry. Am I being unreasonable?? I feel like my ex is still trying to manipulate and bully.

Sorry for long post. Any advice would be great.

[Falling Skys]

Hi and hugs

I have read your post, and I can only say how impressed I am with you strength and fortitude you have shown under the circumstances. You are an inspiration.

Your ex is abusive to the end even using your illness to abuse you with.

He cares nothing for his child or he would never had said that you were going to die.

You are far from being unreasonable, and you need to do what ever you need to do to keep yourself and your child safe and away from him.

Good luck for the future

FS xx

[Serenity]

Hi There,

I am sorry for all you’re going through. Your ex sounds like a twisted individual, and you sound like a very courageous, selfless woman.

The way he is treating you whilst you are sick and the things he is telling your son prove what an awful individual he is.

I am glad that SS is on your side. Your son needs protecting here. His father can’t be trusted to not say or do damaging things. I would go all out for supervised access.

Regarding your health, try your best to cut corners that don’t really matter, so that you have as much rest as is possible in your situation. Ignore his criticisms: he is just jealous because he can see you what a strong and courageous person you are to continue to be such a good mum despite your serious health issues, and under it all he knows he doesn’t have your calibre!

Don’t let him continue to distress your child with talk bout you dying, etc. Your poor son doesn’t need that.

You are truly inspirational. X

[Healthyarchive]

Dear I am Better than This, i’m so sorry to read all of the horrible things that are happening in your life at the moment. I do hope your course of chemotherapy goes well, your health is your priority at the moment. I agree with what Serenity has said about focusing on resting, give your ex and his poison the attention it deserves, ie nothing, really try to ignore him completely. Can the authorities or anybody else pick up on any arrangements that need to be made so you don’t get involved? I dont have children but I know that with children and being a responsible parent some men are weak. To stand up as an individual and do the right thing by their child and ex is not something that these men manage easily, in my experience. This says to me they are weak so they will use a woman as a confidence booster to take on the responsibility of the child they cannot manage. You ex cant cope with your children using his own devices so he has recruited a woman to take on the burden. That doesn’t sound like genuine love or affection for the women to me. I believe my ex couldn’t handle his relationship with his adult child so he used me to boost him up and give him confidence. Without a woman (any woman) holding it together I dont think they have the skills or temperament to be a decent parent. X*X

[KIP.]

Hi there, just wanted to send you a hug❤️ You are doing really well. I also want to remind you that our abusers lie. Every time they open their mouths. Everything they have ever told us. Once you get your head round this and stop even considering what they say as relevant, or truthful, things become easier. He is going to do whatever he wants especially if he knows it will hurt you. However, what you don’t know can’t hurt so can go cut down contact to a bare minimum, even through a third party? Cut him out your life and concentrate on your recovery. Remember it’s us who have told these monsters out worse fears and our weaknesses and they will use that against us. There is no moral decency in the world of an abuser so don’t expect anything from them. Keep moving forward by taking baby steps X

[Escaped not free]

I don’t really have any advice to add to the other ladies. I just wanted to say how incredible I think you are. You are facing the most extreme adversity and pulling it together for your little one. YOU ARE AN AMAZIN MOTHER! please don’t allow anyone to make you think otherwise. My ex husband knows our children are the centre of my world and he constantly tells me I’m a bad mother, he does it because he knows that’s what will hurt you the most because that’s what you care about the most. It’s white noise. Hurtful but just noise. No substance. Well done getting up every day, well done pulling it together. Xxxxx

[lover of no contact]

Another hug from me. The other ladies are right. Forget him and his bad mouth. Concentrate on you and your self-care and your little boy. You and your little boy are your priorities and take any support and help you can get. Take it one day at a time.

You are right he is still trying to manipulate and bully you. Abusers make no allowances. When we are weak and vulnerable they will up the ante. They have no morals. They have no decency. They have no empathy. They have no conscience.

Keep posting here for support.

[I am better than this]

Ladies……thank you so much for all those supportive words. Felt quite emotional reading them, thank you.

Our son IS my world and everything I do is based on how it affects him.
I allowed his father his access day today, pointing out that I hoped he wasn’t planning on sharing access….again!!
He returned our son at end of the day, with a massive lump on his (detail removed by moderator) with grazed skin too. He said he fell (detail removed by moderator) This he said in front of two of my adult children.
I took him outside to speak with him about SS (detail removed by moderator). Conversation progressed to him saying that he could be really nasty and take me to court and say I was incapable of looking after our child now. I kept my cool and advised him to do just that (detail removed by moderator)
Anyway, after he left, our son told me (detail removed by moderator), my ex had spent the whole day at the new woman’s home. And our son had been left unsupervised (detail removed by moderator)….hence the head injury!! And MY ability to care for him is in question lol.

HA….I believe you are spot on with what you say regarding a new woman to assume care of our son, rather than it falling completely on his shoulders. Lazy parenting at its best.

I have started to find more courage since my cancer diagnosis. And I don’t fear my ex in quite the same way as I did. I do generally have no contact with him, other than related to our child.
It saddens me to see that he has no qualms in standing in front of our son and telling a blatant lie. I find that extremely worrying.

I will be speaking to SS again next wk and plan on filling them in on the latest events, including how twice my ex has questioned my ability to care for our son whilst fighting cancer. I know the legal system looks unfavourably on fathers who pull this kind of stuff out of the hat.

My oncologist is an amazing woman who has offered to write anything I request, to anyone, to ensure I have utmost peace to get well and raise our son accordingly.

Again….thank you massively for such kind support. It really does mean a lot to me. And makes me feel stronger too ☺️

[KIP.]

If you really have to have conversations with this man then secretly record them. Courts look for evidence. I recorded the assault my ex was convicted of. Without that it was really his word against mine. He will break any order he can. You really don’t have to do much. Just evidence his dysfunction. Time is a great healer. As their hold over us weakens and the fog clears, we see right through them and their warped games. My ex had a young child when we got together and I did just about everything for her when she visited. These men are useless on their own. They have to have someone to use and abuse to validate themselves.

[Peaceful Pig]

My ex is exactly the same regarding lazy parenting, getting his mum or gf to do everything for him and lack of supervision.
I’m wondering also if you record evidence of the head injury with a photo and maybe a trip to a minor injury/ walk in centre so it is officially on record. You sound like you have some excellent professional support around you with your oncologist and social worker which is great. Your level of confidence is amazing xx

[I am better than this]

KIP, it was a bit of an impromptu chat with him yesterday so didn’t get a chance to organise recording stuff being said. And mostly, even when picking up and dropping our child off from an access day, I avoid any chat at all. Plus always make sure someone else is there as a witness.
He tried his manipulative voice and face last night but it didn’t work. I stood my ground and invited him to do his worse. Whereupon he switched and pointed out to me that him telling me hrs after our son was born that he wanted to leave me…..finally leaving when he was a wk old for couple months….then again when our son was a little over two….was a reflection of how awful our marriage had been!! I smiled at him and said no….it wasn’t a reflection on our marriage at all, it’s a reflection on him and only him! Because each time it’s been because he was chasing after and had set up another woman.
I refuse to allow him to get away with blaming me for his disgusting behaviours any longer.
I didn’t think I’d survive without him. But I am. I didn’t think I’d survive the aggressive chemo. But I am. I didn’t think I’d survive the extensive (detail removed by moderator) radiotherapy sessions, but I’m halfway there….and surviving. And still managing to organise assessments for (detail removed by moderator).
My ex can live his life with her, as he sees fit. I won’t let him abuse our child.
I will definitely record things from now on. Thank you. X

[Healthyarchive]

Dear IamBetterthanthis, I know that when you are in the thick of a toxic destructive relationship it is so hard to just be normal each day. Especially when you are having to come into contact with someone who is manipulative, they have a way of drawing you into things, by saying things to fire you up, blame anything to get any reaction. You sound like you are doing really well trying to manage this idiot and manage your chemo at the same time. Do you feel like you are on top of it all? Sometimes when I am stressful crisis point and I have equally stressful things that I have to do, I mentally compartmentalize and think about what is more important. The book Feel The Fear & Do it Anyway describes this well. It has a section on the grid of life, there are nine boxes of your life, i.e work, friends, hobbies and the idea is to pay equal attention to each box. I wonder if you can mentally separate your health and cancer treatment & your husband – the idea that is suggested in the book is that whatever box you are working on at that point you dedicate 100% to it, your mind is solely focused on that one box with no interruption. So in your case if you decided on the day of your chemo that was your day, any interruption from any outside force (your husbands manipulation & digging) would not come into it. It seems to be a way of training your mind to separate the aspects of your life. You could create big chunks of the grid to your health and have some boxes for your children. Maybe have one box for your husband. And then your husband box would contact your survival/moving forward strategy to manage what he does (reading abuse books/posting here/recording behaviour etc). It is just a suggestion, I have read this book many time and really get the Grid of Life tool. X*X

[Serenity]

My ex’s favourite phrase was “what kind of mother….(does x,y,z)” – trying to make me feel like I was a rubbish mother.

Normally, he said this when he wasn’t the centre of attention – ironically, when I was prioritising the children! He just wanted me to feel diminished as a mother, hoping I would lose focus and motivation as a mum and focus upon him again!

[Author]

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