This topic contains 6 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Minniemum 2 weeks ago.

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  • #85077
     Yellowflower 
    Participant

    So since we’ve split his been constantly going out having fun. Not once has he said he misses me has he said he loves me and wants me home. It’s just like a dagger to the heart that he can just turn his feelings off like that. Im struggling so much to accept what his done to me and my children. I go through so many different emotions of hating him missing him and still desperately in love with him. I wanted him it to get help so much for his anger and drug use. Yet now he just gets to go out do what he wants with who he wants no doubt while I’m here struggling every day with the after effects of all this. Before I left he said he didn’t love me anymore and he must have really meant it. My heart just keeps on breaking how will I ever be ok after all this pain. I have for many weeks read posts on here and they’ve are comforting to know someone out there knows what I’m going through but I just can’t seem to move forward to especially like he can does he have no conscious does he not care what he has done? Does he not ever think of me and our life.

  • #85079
     KIP. 
    Participant

    These men are selfish and lack empathy. I remember reading how people have a list of favourites that is a vertical line, So at the top will be say, husband, then going down the list, children, mother, sister, friend etc. Abusers have a horizontal line, like a washing line and Everyone is on that line and he simply picks off the people that they can get the most from. I know it’s painful to hear he’s getting on but that just confirms his abusive character. The best way forward is zero contact. Tell friends and family that you don’t wish to know what he’s doing. Keep off social media and use a third party for hand over. And a contact book which goes back and forth with the kids.

  • #85087
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    ok so this can be comforting and a relief at least i find it to be so. abusive men are i suppose users theyre out for themselves. i realised after a long time for example if i put on a few pounds i was a trophy. i was told you have to be a size 8 or im off. this is how superficial these guys are (just one example off many) these men from what ive experienced and read are not emotionally developed enough to feel deeply for anyone only very superficially. maybe they protect themselves by doing this as they just dont possess this ability. not like us. so it takes two in a relationship to support each other and build on that love to make it deeper and on many levels including being happy for your acheivements and freinds /family etc etc.but with abusive men we dont have that and because you think this way you assume they do too but they dont. this is because they are almost on another dimention off thinking. they can move from one woman to the next without a glance back because they honestly dont care about anyone only themselves and their own needs. so in there world as long as they have a new group off friends or new gf theyre happy. the mistake to not make is to think its because your not good enough xx the truth is no one is and noone will match up to the amout he needs – what he wants will never be acheivable even for b****y wonder woman! xxxx much love diymum

  • #85095
     Fudgecake 
    Participant

    You are spot on KIP. And hurtful as it is that they move on quickly, it goes to show how shallow they were/are and forever will be.

    You’re right [email protected] it does take two in a relationship to support each other, but if you feel alone and unsupported it’s a red flag. I often found that my ex was around until a tricky patch arose and you’d need help/support.Then he’d go from smothering 24/7 contact to a complete disappearing act only to reappear when things had been sorted.

    They really are only out for themselves and we were just an accessory item to use, sadly.

  • #85429
     Minniemum 
    Participant

    This is a tough situation, don’t feel bad for feeling the way you do. Just do what you can day by day.

    I miss my ex even though I don’t want him back. And try to remember all the bad things he said and did if I start to reminisce too much about the good times.

    I too struggle with the fact he is out at the pub most nights enjoying himself while I’m stuck at home with the kids. Not helped by the fact that he has started seeing someone that I thought was a friend.

    Hugs, things will get better

  • #85436
     Yellowflower 
    Participant

    Thank you girls for all your lovely replies. The feeling of missing him comes and goes. I keep telling myself like you’ve said I did all I can to be that person he wanted and it never was enough. I never could make him happy and I don’t think anyone will ever truest be able to. I lost me in it all and am starting to realise who I loved was the tiny glimpses i saw. The person I thought he could be if he only could stop it. The truth is that’s who he is he is an angry person and he will never accept the blame for that and he certainly won’t get help to change that if he ever could. It’s just sad because I think what If but I need to stop that I did all I could.

  • #85440
     Minniemum 
    Participant

    Yellow flower – I could have written that!

    Yes, we must remember that there were good times, but a few good times doesn’t mean we should be with angry men who can’t see they need to change. I’d rather be miserable on my own than with a man who makes me miserable! But even though I find it hard on my own, I am not as sad or stressed as I was before.

    Keep on going x

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