struggling with the feeling of shame Rant!

[anna]

Hi everyone,
Today I am finding it hard and even though I have done supportive things for myself like my meditation practice and journaling my feelings it is not helping at all. And I am still sat with upset feelings and I hate to say it but shame.
I think it is because I have been ‘triggered’ by my abusive mum sending my one sibling to talk to a mutual friend.
None of my siblings speak to me and the elder one actively ‘gaslights’ me by saying I only went no contact with mum because I am mentally ill. This message is usually passed on to my son through facebook ( I have asked him to stop passing on messages) Which he has respected.
I did have severe depression which is now recovered since leaving and no longer on medication. And the GP and mental health nurse (who I am well enough not to see anymore) both think it is more PTSD. Though i have not been offially diagnosed with that.
My sibling used to regularly say to me my depression was caused by our mother and it turns out, to a big extent that is true and has written me emails saying how nasty and abusive our parents are. So its upsetting she invalidates me to this extend.
But knowing my mother has sent her to this friend. Presumably to infer I am lying and mentally ill is infuriating and upsetting.
This friend works in a place my sibling regularly goes to and friend knows our situation. So she is gleefully getting involved. She said to husband ‘I saw Anna’s sibling’ and went to launch into a conversation luckily my husband shut the conversation down immediately and she said ‘oh dont you want to talk about it! knowing perfectly well he didnt. ( she is the wife of husbands friend) and my husband and all the other friends (there is a big mutual group that hang out together) dont really like this lady as she is not a nice person. and she only met my mum and sister through (fill the gap wont identify where) and my mum did her typical ‘charm offensive’ so this lady thinks shes nice and feels sorry for her. Plus the fum of getting involved and upsetting us.
I am not so worried about the ‘smear campaign’ as husbands friends wont care less what my relationship with my mum is they are typical blokes just interested in Beer and football and not emotional And I hardly ever see these mens wives as they are more my husbands friends ( but my mum knows so little about me she does not even know that, and thinks they will all dump my husband and me.)
So i guess I am just so angry and upset a person who abused me everyway possible not only will never be held to account but still regularly tries to invade my life. I have had to change where I walk because I feel unsafe, where i shop in my own area, as younger sibling who lives in same area deliberately snubs me and I feel intense shame as even though i was abused, i still feel its my fault and I am a bad person and my siblings tactics of pretending everything is me being ill makes it worse.
most days I can compentalise my feelings and just think I have escaped abuse and am well but today I feel very sad and sorry for myself with a big dollop of guilt that everyone will think what a horrible person I am for leaving my mum.
I know I need to make new friends not connected to my mum and not tell this lady anymore about my situation as she is totally untrustworthy.
But really I get fed up sometimes I guess the shame will never go and I have to gain acceptance about that.

[KIP.]

Hey there. I read an article once about the rock of truth. When faced with all this gaslighting and nonsense. Imagine a rock in the sea of lies and hang onto it. Its your rock of truth. Your sanctuary. Never doubt yourself. You know exactly what you went through and you dont need to explain and justify your actions to anyone. Sending you a big hug <——>

[anna]

Thanks KIP,
I like the rock of truth imagery!
Yes I think I am letting the manipulation get to me. My sibling is only doing it to get me to go back to my abusive mum. She knows They cannot directly force me ( my parents tried forcing their way into my home) with me trying to hold the door shut the other side! Wont fall for that again locks and peepholes now! and ‘lovebomb’ letters which I dont read.
so the only way to make me go back is shame and guilt and convince me I have lost the plot! my sib is not doing this because she loves me but in reality furious I left and she ( understandably) is to afraid to go so is left with mum and dads wrath!
Just writing this has made me feel better and i think the only way to get rid of misplaced guilt and shame is to make new friendships. I am allowing their treatment of me to work by making my world smaller and smaller not going out that sort of thing. ( i am not agrophobic or anything like that) but have lost confidence and seem to be very much concentrating on trying to keep myself safe to the detriment of getting on with my life.
I am lucky that my parents wont push it to physical harm of me now i have left ( this fact is starting to dawn on me) not for any moral reason but my mum does not want to get caught. She told me that frequently as i was growing up.
So now I have to take responsibility of making new friends and networks so I dont feel so isolated.
Thanks again KIP and sending you a hug back!

[Author]

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