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    • #44927
      anna
      Participant

      Hi I am after some advice. I hope it does not come accross as totally trivial and silly but I am struggling with it nethertheless.
      I stopped all contact quite a while ago with my very abusive mum and to scared to look out for us dad. Basically even though I was very frightened to do it and felt a huge amount of misplaced guilt and shame I decided to do it for my own sanity.
      Anyway personally it was the right thing to do as now I am fully recovered from years of depression and feel in a better place.
      The problem I am having is with my siblings. They are all in contact with parents. But they all get abused to varying degrees. ( I totally understand why they are still in contact and respect their choice)
      Only one sibling has openly discussed the abuse with me saying that they feel obligated to stay as they feel sorry for mum and reading between the lines feel society pressure to stay and are frightened.
      We were in a small amount of direct contact after i left my mum but when sibling realised I was serious about not seeing mum and dad the very passive aggressive and gaslighting corrospondance started from sibling to me ( i assume but obviously cannot say for sure, this is because sibling feels angry that from their perspective they have been left to deal with mum and her abuse on their own and feel I dont love them because I wont stay with mum.
      Also the abuse was regularly minimised and normalised by the family. So me with my healthy love and respect for myself after therapy look like the odd, mad one out, ‘trouble maker’ being mean to mum.
      Mum tried all the sending letters which i did not read or respond to and sending siblings round to do that (3rd party proxy hoovering) she tried to get me to go back to them by coming to my home one night and her and dad tried to force their way into my home which was very frightening but luckily i was able to shut the door. After speaking with the domestic violence helpline and getting advice I sent a loving email to sibling asking if we we could not discuss mum as it triggered my anxiety and no response apart from an abrupt birthday card and card at xmas saying not to visit and I have not seen sibling since. My other sibling snubs me openly in the street if they see me which feels terrible as i feel intence shame like its me that is a bad person for not wanting abuse. and on my birthday never sent me a card.
      Prior to me leaving the family my mum would not let us visit each other so we had zero adult relationships with each other. She would do this by directly raging to stop us and also making up whopping lies to each of us about what the others had allegedly said or done that was bad. so their is huge mistrust and dislike. I only found out she was doing this when me and the sibling who is willing to discuss the abuse ‘swapped notes’ so to speak on mums behaviour. I still dont know what terrible things was said to the other sibling about me but it must be pretty bad as when I had minimal contact ( mum would make us all visit only in her own house) this sibling did not even want me to go to their one childs ‘important event’ and i was not even informed until very late that they were expecting a child and when I would ring to visit my sibling would make up obvious exscuses not to see me. Meanwhile my mum would say that she did not understand why this particular sibling did not want to see me as I would be such a loving friend to them and Aunt to the children! so idiot me never cottoned on that it was her telling lies!
      Anyway should i just not send cards now to sibling and siblings family? She did send a card to my husband when it was his birthday. It feels pointless as it hurts me and triggers terrible anxiety. I dont know whether it is important to keep ‘lines of communication open’ at the cost to my mental health. or just accept sibling does not want to know. I feel if i dont there will be backlash of Anna does not even care for siblings children. But equally am I violating boundaries if i am being told to go away?
      I know this is idiotic but honestly I am having sleepless nights over this. its such a sad sorry situation.
      And the saddest thing i love them all including my parents

    • #44929
      KIP.
      Participant

      Save yourself and your sanity. I’ve lost contact with my son and my stepdaughter. I love them both very much but loving them will not change their behaviour. For many years you were abused and hoodwinked by your mother. You finally saw right through her behaviour and you just have to hope the rest of the family will find the same strength that you did. Loss of contact with people I love is a price I have to pay to stay safe and sane. I have boundaries and they know the door is always open if they are respectful but I’ve stopped sending birthday cards. Xmas cards etc. I didn’t get any back and there is only so much hurt a person can take. I’m much happier now I have reached that decision. It’s probably the indecision keeping you awake. Once you make your mind up, you will feel better. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. FOG. The fog of abuse.

    • #44941
      anna
      Participant

      Thankyou KIP.
      I feel you are right. All it does sending cards is get me so upset and anxious. I still really struggle with being confident to make decisions. One of my ‘in laws’ who is really nice but does not really understand my situation thought I should carry on sending cards regardless as i have ‘no axe to grind’ with my sibling and she is a separate person/relationship to my mum. This is true in normal families but in abusive/dysfunctional families its all about power and control so people are bullied/influenced to take sides. plus shunning me/ not sending cards is my siblings way of telling me they certainly have’ an axe to grind’ with me! From siblings perspective I am angry and punishing mum. when I last saw sibling they were on the side of the road doing frantic ‘calm down’ body language to me. I was sat in the car going by! I am not angry but sad and removing myself from abuse was purely self protection and finally accepting I could not change mum but sadly my actions are viewed as unforgiving, punishing and retailaratory. Very sad. But I respect their right to their own viewpoint and opinion on my actions.
      I think a lot of me hanging onto sending cards is I did not want to seem really horrible to siblings children but realistically that horse bolted out the stable door long ago. I would like to say it was because I was only thinking of a chance of a future relationship but really I am mainly desperatly trying to avoid conflict and being thought badly of. But its totally making my anxiety worse. You gave good advice before kip about not meeting up with my other sibling who was being abusive and I have felt loads better since blocking my email and phone. Its just this last sending/receiving card thing.
      If my siblings did want to come to me for support or just be in a relationship I would but that is hugely unlikely.
      I am sad to hear you have had to separate from your son and step daughter. My adult son is still in minimal contact with my parents he does support and agree with my decision but even though i totally support his decision to see who he wants it is hard as she uses him to pass on messages to me. ( He is starting to not do that) but it takes huge diplomacy on my part to keep our relationship ok. My mum does not like or love my son its purely to cause difficulty. And she has started being abusive to him but I am hoping with patience and love from me and his dad and not trying to stop him ( i just ask him not to talk about them to me when he has visited and speak to his dad or the nice in law if he is worried about anything regarding them) He knows she is horrible but so hard to let go when its a whole side of a family. And maybe if he sees them minimally it will be the best decsion for him. There are no winners in abuse situations and my thoughts go out to you that you have had to make the incredubly difficult decision to not see your children and thankyou so much for replying and understanding

    • #44953
      Peaceful Pig
      Participant

      Hi Anna, you are not idiotic in the least. It is incredibly difficult and painful to have to let go of our own family, especially when you are a kind, empathic person. Despite being conditioned to believe otherwise, you have absolutely no obligation to continue to contact or send cards to anyone who causes you to feel such pain and anxiety. You can’t make them understand or have the courage to let go as you have. In a way you are helping them. You are showing them an option of calmly setting boundaries and respecting yourself instead of continuing to collude in the unhealthy dynamics. The first time I went no contact with my parents many years ago my sister sent me horrible letters telling me how unkind I was being to our parents. My parents tracked me down unfortunately and I didn’t have the strength back then to make them leave so I went back to pretending and letting them control me. A couple of years later my sister came round to realising how unhealthy it all was so now supports me. That really helped this time when I’ve managed to stop the contact for good. She refuses to actually talk about our childhood though and whilst I am glad of her I do wonder if this is really good for me as I still have to stay silenced about what happened to me. But then I respect that she’s not ready to face it yet. Tough decisions but I think you’ve been amazingly brave to stay true to yourself and sayno x

    • #44959
      anna
      Participant

      Thankyou peaceful that is so kind to respond.
      I am really glad you are with your sister now having a relationship.
      But I agree it must be so hard not to be able to talk about your experiences. I think my sibs would do that to me if ever we was back in contact. My younger sib once waxed lyrical how loving and kind our mother was and we was so lucky to have her! My elder sib said my abuse had been the worst ( i have a disability so was particularly in the fireing line of her rage as she found me annoying, fustrating and felt embarrissed I was not the perfect child to be proud of) and they were all witness to my extreme abuse and yet still say invalidating comments. Even my mum apparently admitted to my elder sib the abuse had been extreme to me but of course deninied the adult abuse and sent me a letter ( before i wised up and stopped reading them) that my experiences was imagined! So they all know but cant face the truth.
      Maybe one day your sister will talk about it but at least by being with you she is partly admitting you are right. Not that you need any one to validate your experiences or your truth but like you said it does help.
      So i think I am going to stop the card sending. My elder sibs grownup kids has stopped sending me cards too but I know they agree with me and my son says they no longer see their gran as she has shown abuse to them. So i think they have stopped sending me cards as it is to stressful for them and I understand that and dont want to cause them added worry. Thanks again for your reply peaceful.

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