Struggling without him

[Japan]

Me and my boyfriend have been on and off for around (removed by moderator) years, he is the only person I have ever loved and ever imagined a future with, I always thought about having our own house together and having children together. But I feel he doesn’t give me what I give him, I would do anything to please him but it never seems good enough, since we have been back together this time he hasn’t told me he loves me even though I say it to him all the time and when I asked if he does love me he said he can’t because of the things I have done wrong in past, he says he can’t treat me how I deserve or be proud of me because of things in the past, I have made mistakes but the past is things like I left him and dated someone else because he was physically abusing me and I couldn’t take it anymore, I am scared of my own partner and recently I realise I make all the effort with texts and calls and asking to see him and he’s never bothered like he wouldn’t care if I left he’s like put up with it and prove yourself to me or F off and I’m too scared to go because I love him. Now we have had a argument because (removed by moderator), so we argued and he couldn’t see my point so the next day I said can we sort this out and he took the same stance again (removed by moderator) I stood up to him which I never do and said it wasn’t fair, he said (removed by moderator) but what more can I do ! He ended it because I wouldn’t take him where he wanted to go and (removed by moderator), I feel lost and I really love him, I’m so scared of him being with someone else and the thought of it just kills me, please help x

[colouringinfairy]

Reading your post was like reading something I would have put up here shortly after my break up from my ex. Same amount of time, same kind of abuse (mental and physical), YOU have to work for THEIR love and affection even though they are abusive…how does that even make sense? My ex controlled me a lot, and I have been learning all the different ways he managed to since we broke up. Most recently I found out a lot about him that I did not know. He was a cheater, and yet accused me of doing so. He wouldn’t let me hang out with guy mates, yet he was meeting up with his ex. He cheated on me (removed by moderator). Then turned it all around on me. That’s how these “men” work. They are abusers, they manipulate, control and gaslight us. It’s trauma bonding. Then when they “block” us out (my ex has done this to me more times than I can count in the last (moved by moderator) years) we literally go into meltdown as we NEED them to fix our pain. They are the only ones who can, in our eyes. That’s when they come back and love bomb us. That supports our theory that only they can mend our broken hearts. Well they can’t. Your boyfriend is the root cause of your pain, and it took me four years to realise mine was too. And that it would never get any better, he would never change.

He actually broke up with me after my assault, and blocked me. Much the same as yours. It was the best thing he could have done for me as, even though at the start I felt like you – loved him so much, the thought of him with someone else killed me – I realised pretty quickly this was the only way I could move on. And that I HAD to move on.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This man does not love you in a healthy way. And he is an abuser. My advice to you, having suffered through what sounds like a very similar experience, is to block him too and cut contact. Do not let him back in. This will be traumatic and it will take time to heal and be okay with him not being in your life, but I promise you you WILL get there. Lean on friends and family to help fill this void in the early days. Be kind to yourself, talk to counselor, keep posting here. Months and months ago I couldn’t ever imagine my life without my ex, and I hadn’t been able to for years – even though he put me through near enough constant pain and anxiety – now I finally feel like I can breathe again and am the happiest I have been since I met him. You will finally get the peace and happiness you deserve, please keep telling yourself that. Don’t let him back in, you deserve so much more than this x

[Japan]

So now we have spoke because he said he missed me but he said he spoke to someone in a dating website for a little, couldn’t be bothered so messaged me instead … how is that supposed to make me feel and now he says I have changed because I stood up to to him so what I’m supposed to agree and do everything for him else I’m accused of changing, then he starts on the past again , we agreed to meet (detail removed by moderator) but I feel so frustrated and annoyed by him he won’t show me affection or love because he said he doesn’t feel close to me and that’s supposedly my fault and the one who has to fix that but when I try to be close to him he pushes me away ! Everything has to be his way and it’s not fair, he lies about things too and tests me all the time so see how much I’m willing to do for him and if I don’t do it then I have changed just like in the past but no I haven’t changed I just can’t deal with putting up with it so I snap! Thank you colouring in fairy for your reply and support and I wish you health and happiness for your future x

[Foreverfree]

Dear Japan. I have recently walked away from my husband of (removed by moderator) years. Ive been solo for a few weeks and i can see already all rhe little things hes done to break me down. I constantly took him back because he was my first love and that love was so strong bit this last time i realised he didnt love me he just knew id take him him back no matter what he did. He would act the exact way your partner is and sadly like myself you will one day realise that that wasn’t love. As i say ive just got out and its clearer when looking in instead of living it day to day. One day i hope you find the strength to see you deserve better. If someone loves you tou do t have to basically convince them you are worthy, they should go.out of there way to return the love you are giving or at least not mske you feel like youre lucky they love you.
Look after yourself lovey and remember your own worth.
Big hugs x*x

[Author]

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