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Ever since all this happened I’ve been feeling a lot of frustration that I can’t seem to do anything by or for myself. It occurred to me recently that I wasn’t taking very good care of myself, I think mostly because I’ve been blindsided by him / the relationship.
It’s just so upsetting that I worked so hard to finally fulfil one of my biggest hopes (with him), and it’s like he’s shattered it all and taken it away from me.
Then his dad saying it’s in everyone’s best interests if I didn’t go over after all…at the time I was thinking, whose best interests? And it might sound childish, but I felt like a decision was being made for me that they had no right to make?
In any case I was in such a state that I wouldn’t have been able to make the trip over, and I would have had nowhere to go.
I want to go travelling and get away from it all. I feel like there’s nothing left for me here.
He’s manipulated me into believing against my instincts that he wanted this too, sold me all these lies, but it seems like I was just a fantasy double life. I don’t feel like a real person to him, just an idea of one – his idea of a person.
It’s almost like he waited until all my things were in a case, until I was without a job (he must know how much my job meant to me, I struggled to get work (removed by moderator) and I liked the independence having a job afforded me) to pull the plug.
I don’t feel necessarily that he’s ignoring me now, but that he’s holding a silence over me, it’s like he always used silence to keep me in a certain place or in a certain way. I feel like he’s robbed me of something, like this move over, and all the work I did to organise it that I did mostly by myself because he didn’t bother to help with anything, I thought it was my choice. But it’s like he’s made it his choice by dumping me (via proxy) at the last minute, if that makes sense? :s
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I don’t think they think of us like real, separate people. That’s because they can’t see past the end of their own nose. Everything revolves around them. We only feature in so far as we can be of service to them.
I used to tell my ex that I felt like a ‘non-person’ when I was with him. He got annoyed: he couldn’t understand what it meant, or he was annoyed thinking I had a right to think I was a separate person!
Once you’ve worked through the pain, you will be stronger than ever before, and you will return to you.
Don’t let anyone ever try to dismantle toublike that again x
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…I feel the same atm as you…it’s like reading my own situation. Like everything’s been shattered & Ive no safety net.
Like he systematically worked SO hard at trying to destroy my life..bit by bit, eroding the great bits…taking them away & like brainwashing me into his world!
So now that I’ve kicked him out, I have no stability, no foundation, I’m frantically searching for any positives & links with the old me…but most tangible things have been destroyed. Family,time, best friends, work,finances,social life,beliefs …the lot!
Like I’ve been in a real jail, & escaped to find everything & everyone has disappeared.
It’s very scary to think someone has so much hatred for me …after showing so much love, sharing, caring & giving.
I look back now and see honestly, that I have zero positive from him, nothing no mutual friends, I was excluded whoever possible from his family group ( I see why now obs) never met any of his work colleagues, kept me isolated in his controlling abusive world …horrific decade of my life just robbed from me, with all this suffering.
Sorry to go on, but some days it’s tougher than others…this is one of those, hellish!I know exactly what your going through phantasmagorical just wanted to share X
Hugs C X-
Hi Cuppa. It’s very comforting (and also alarming!) to know that others here are experiencing similar situations. For the longest time I feel like I’ve been going crazy and I’m exaggerating things, sometimes I still feel that way. But when I know to listen to myself and to the wisdom of others who truly care about me, it makes sense why I’ve been doubting myself.
What you describe is so exact, it’s like everything is gone. I’m having to build up from the smallest foundation, they just suck you dry.
I’ve been told that he cares for me and that he thinks of me, but then it’s like having to accept his treatment as care and that will mess me up even more. I feel like he hates me and has treated me with total contempt.
I feel he was excluding me as well. I would often feel like he was hiding me, and he’d deny this over and over. But he was lying to others to conceal me, and then turning it back on me. Accusing me of hating those around him.
It’s weird how sometimes you can feel okay but then it all comes over you again. Sending you good vibes xx
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Hey P we are connecting with this..weirdness we have been through!
Similar patterns, like text book narc behaviour.
Have you read about up coercive control…(a kind woman on here pointed me to it, I’d never heard of it)it decribes love bombing, silent treatment, anger, hoovering and more types of n********t BPD behaviour, like financial abuse and emotional and more.
Obviously each persons ex. is different, but there are similarities also!That’s how we learn to protect ourselves by knowing what they are doing.
I read Pat Craven The Dominator (she’s a DV expert) & (detail removed by moderator) and there another psychologist Meredith Miller on YouTube she explains it thoroughly each topic, it’s quite difficult to realise all of this, but it makes me feel more empowered to keep to NC.Peace & Hugs
XC
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Hello, the similarity of experiences is blowing me away a little bit. I’ve noticed people on the forum talking about n********m and from what I’ve read about it, I can identify similar or same patterns.
I wonder what makes it difficult to realise these things; could it be because of how they’ve caused us to doubt ourselves or something? On the one hand I’m keenly aware there’s something wrong, for example I often noticed that I could be in a good mood, and just speaking with him could put me in a foul mood. On the other hand I find myself getting nostalgic and remembering good times, romanticising him…I think the lovely things he said to me were perhaps all part of the mind game given how he was treating me. It just throws me off balance until it seems like nothing and no-one can be trusted, not even myself. xx
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We crave the good parts. The high they give us with their love bombing and adoration. Our minds blank out the bad parts because we desperately want the nice man we met. This man doesn’t exist. You will get better with time. Our confidence gets knocked so badly. Work on re building that and you will see he isn’t good enough to lace your boots ❤️
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…It’s how manipulative emotional abuse, SO difficult to recover from, as we second guess everything…like…Did he really say that? They weave a web of doubt & lies, one drip at a time…which they have lots of.
Spinning the charade, it’s a constant! Their every waking hour must be dedicated to this destructive abuse…as it gives them control.
Keeping you where they want you, in so so many ways!The Mr Nice Mr Angry (about nothing) Mr Nice trick, Silence ..I found this awful to deal with always racking my brain, & asking what’s up? The reply being Nothing wrong with me,must be you!
A Big one for me, to deal with & now, was the total emotional neglect, through really really tough emotional times, like bereavement and ill health (I’m now thinking caused by this) The suffering and impact of that is so hard to bear.
Not being ‘allowed’ to express an opinion, or words being put into my mouth, opinions that I don’t have, being expressed, by him, on my behalf. Using the term, ‘we’a lot, I used to say, you and I are SO different, don’t speak for me, we have nothing in common, he hi jacked a lot of my favourite things to do, and made out they were his! Totally messed up my head space.That’s emotional abuse/coercive control, like brainwashing, but now I need to heal me and remove all of that connection with him and that life as much as possible!
Hugs C x
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Hello KIP and Cuppa,
The good parts do feel like a high, especially this past year when things were more turbulent than usual. The reconciliation part gave me a strong chemical feeling of relief and it is very addictive.
Emotional neglect is a big one for me too. Niggles turned into small stresses that turned into preoccupations and eventually deep insecurities. Then they started to interfere with my daily functioning. Xx
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