Stuck in a loop

[Formeandmyboys]

I want my partner to move out. I am afraid of him (he was arrested in (month removed by moderator) for assaulting me) and our relationship is toxic. Stress is making me ill (Just a few weeks ago I was blue lighted to A&E with a suspected stroke, but it was just a severe migraine – brought on by one of his rages/acting out periods that lasted for  days) and I’m also depressed. I have suicidal thoughts. There is not a day that goes by when I don’t think about just ending it all. I feel so cornered and helpless.
He knows all this. Yet we can’t even sit down and have a rational/reasonable discussion about it. Always ends up in him twisting what I say and the usual ‘woe is me, no one will help me’ c**p.
I thought, stupidly I can now see with hindsight, that being arrested would be his rock bottom – his ‘wake up’ call. But I’ve had nothing but  more months of ‘woe is me’, excuses and selfish/toxic/childish/violent behaviour.
He needs to move out and get help. I have told him that we can’t carry on like this and something has to change. Nothing ever does!
If he moved out, I think it could end up in a further downward spiral for him (and he vocalises that, to ‘threaten me’ and make sure I know that if he did x y and/or z then that would be my fault.
Him going would be the opposite for me – like breathing out. It would be hard – emotionally and financially – but NOTHING is as hard as getting up every morning to get through yet another toxic day or walking on egg shells, being disrespected at every turn with him sucking the joy out of EVERYTHING!
And I think he knows that and that’s why he won’t go because he can’t see a way back into my life. He knows that when I’m strong and feeling better that there won’t be a place for him. Even less than there is now!
What he doesn’t get is that continuing like this will only make things worse (scares me to think they could get worse, but I know they could and will).
If he leaves and gets help and sorts his anger issues and god know what else out then we could, possibly, have the relationship that we used to have. Although I’m under no illusions – I doubt that will happen. But things could be normal and civilised and respectful. And that would be a start! Just to be friends again would be a start.
I am so angry and frustrated that there are just no words.
Makes me screeeeeeeeam inside. I just want him out – I don’t want him and his behaviour to be my problem any more. I know that sounds selfish, but I have tried to help and understand – for more than (detail removed by moderator) years. I have recognised the insanity of doing the same thing over an over again and expecting a different result. I know that nothing is going to change.
I want some calm in my life. I want space to focus on getting well again and getting my life on track. I hate the angry/frightened/sad/negative person that I have become.
So what do I do?
Get an injunction (I’m afraid of the wrath that will incur)?
Leave the family home myself (it’s my house and I also have two children and work from home – so not easy)
There must be another way . . .
Any thoughts/ideas/empathy/kicks up the arse are welcome.
Thanks for listening – that’s more than he does. . .

[KIP.]

Hi there. There is no easy way to deal with him. No matter what you do he will try to make your life hell. Even more so than he already does. Any empathy and sympathy you feel for him are totally wasted. I have been exactly where you are. My advice is to get a non molestation order and exclusion order. Get him out and keep him out. Then absolutely zero contact. Use a solicitor for this. I can tell you now he is going nowhere. He loves being where he is. Where he can abuse you and make himself feel good by doing it. He doesn’t want to sort out his anger issues as you say. It’s not anger issues. It’s domestic abuse. He chooses to abuse you. You need to ignore your heart. Think with your head. Ring Rights for Women or speak to a local family solicitor who will give you initial free advice. He will never change. The abuse will get worse. Save yourself and your children.

[KIP.]

Forgot to say that trauma can bring on many health problems. I ended up with a heart monitor. I didn’t realise it was purely down to his abusive behaviour. So for your own mental and physical health. Get rid of the cause. Don’t just treat the symptoms x

[Formeandmyboys]

Where do I get a non-molestation and exclusion order? Is that the same as an occupancy order? And how do I ‘execute’ that with minimal damage to my already shattered nerves? Take the kids away for the weekend? So it’s served on him when I’m not there? Am I right in thinking the police will do that? So many questions. . . sorry.
And yes, I know what he’s doing – even though he won’t face up to it. He is abusing me. He’s held down a job for many years with same company. If he had ‘anger issues’, how has he done that? Can charm the birds from the trees if it suits him. . .
And that’s why I won’t take antidepressants. He’s done a lot to me but he’ll not put my on medication. He is the problem. How is a pill going to solve that!? I do, indeed, need to get rid of the cause. . . And quickly.
I know for a fact that I can not go through another Christmas like the last one. . .

[lost]

I feel for you i really do. Stuck in a loop is abut right. I call it the hamster wheel. You end up at the same place in the same conversation. Nothing you do will make things right. I bet youve tried to change everything over the years. The way you talk. The things you do. The people you see…or dont. But i bet he hasnt chaged at all.
I have felt suicidal but always think if my children. I coludnt bare that ruining their lives. Please stay strong. You are more capable and resilient than you know. If you were a soldier or a kidnap victim going through these things people would undestand. But you are living with your punisher. You are fighting a battle. Please win.
I stopped going crazy when i went to counselling. Please try and get some. It helps to talk. Or pm me if you like and just blurt it all out. It saved my life talking to someone.
Dont ever feel alone because your not. We know what its like. X

[Formeandmyboys]

Thanks – huge help. He has changed – for the worse. And so have I. I am seeing a counsellor, but not overly impressed as she seems to think that I can reason with him and get him to move out and get help. That said, she also recognised – as have I- that the stronger I am the more he ups the anti, so to speak. He hates that I have friends and an opinion and a god job and financial independence. . .
Every aspect of his life is a mess – personal hygiene is shocking (passive aggression), financial issue (huge debts that, until I found out they were his problem alone, also used to worry me so potentially more passive aggression). Just a chaotic life. Says his meds don’t help, but he doesn’t take them regularly and there’s no self care whatsoever. Bad diet, no exercise, severely overweight, poor sleeping habits. He ticks all the boxes. While I run 12 miles at week to deal with the stress that he’s causing! Complete and utter madness!
Yes – I do feel like I’m going crazy. I say and do and think things that 15 year old me or even 30 year old me would be horrified at. I don’t recognise myself anymore. I am broken.
How do you DM someone on here?
I am going back to counsellor on (date removed by moderator). . . and I will start drawing up my ‘exit’ plan.

[KIP.]

You can ring the helpline number on here or Rights for Women who offer free legal advice. The court will issue and serve him but that will all be explained by your solicitor. You could have him served at work. You could pack his belongings and give them to a third party. I wouldn’t want him to have access to the property after he had been served in case he destroyed anything. Your local women’s aid can help you progress things and offer you support and an exit plan. If he has a job, he can rent a room off someone while you definitely need to be in the marital home for your work and your children. The main thing is that you are in fear for your safety. He has been arrested before. Play up on that and the Fear and threats. Get support from you GP. He sounds horrendous and he’s dragging you under x

[Formeandmyboys]

Urrgghh. He is. And I am so frustrated that he won’t listen and be reasonable and I’m being forced down this route. He’ll then be in a rage about the humiliation of it all blah blah blah. . .
I’ll give them a call – thanks.
I have been to GP in the past and even she told me that my husband was ‘intimidating’!
And yes – he can rent a room or even stay in a B&B. That’s not my problem, is it?!
Will helpline also let me know what will happen re children? They adore their dad (go figure!) but clearly an injunction will stop him from coming into or close to our home. . . so how does that work? Can I agree that he can come pick them up from here, but he’s not allowed in?
Sorry – again so many questions. I’ll call the helpline! hanks again, KIP. Much appreciated.

[KIP.]

There are handover places usually run by the council that you can drop them and he can pick them up. You don’t want him coming near your home. My local school provide this service. Women’s Aid can help you with these details. Keep reaching out for help. Maybe a third party. A friend or neighbour could act as a go between. A solicitor if you can afford one or legal aid x

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