Stuck in one place

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

My daughters father is being really really difficult around contact. I’ve offered him to have her for tea (detail removed by moderator). This isn’t good enough for him apparently and he pushes and pushes for more and more. When I refuse he says (detail removed by moderator) he also threatens to ask her who she would rather stay with etc. I am trying my absolute best to get legal aid so I can get something set out about contact so he can’t just say he’s having her at the last minute etc. (Detail removed by moderator) he is meant to be having her for tea but he’s now told me he wants her overnight too. I’ve said no because she has school (detail removed by moderator). He said my reasons aren’t good enough and that he will be keeping her after shes had tea at his. Rang my solicitor who is adamant that she can’t claim legal aid for me until a professional body signs this template. My old IDVA seems to have gone AWOL as no one can get hold of her to see if she will sign it. Solicitor says police can’t sign it as ex was never charged with DA, only (detail removed by moderator). I was in contact with social services so solicitor is seeing if one of them can sign it but only if they have enough info about the situation. So I’m waiting to hear if they can sign it. Solicitor then says that I may have to do mediation with him because DA was never proven. I got upset and told her that the system is flawed and she said she’s sorry but legal aid only comes into play when the applicant can prove they have done everything to stop it reaching court.

[KIP.]

You have reported his domestic abuse and when there’s domestic abuse my understanding is you do not have to do mediation. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline x

[KIP.]

He’s refusing to return her. I wouldn’t let her out my sight until you have something legal in place. If he keeps her there’s nothing you can do to get her back apart from going through court. The police won’t get involved as it’s his right to do so. Please ring the helpline for advice.

[Hetty]

Kip’s right. If he’s refusing to return her at the agreed times then he’s causing problems from the start regarding contact which is certainly not in your daughter’s interest. Sadly men continue to use contact as a means to exert power and control. Very little is based on their desire to see their child. Contact is to meet your daughter’s needs not his. If what’s in place currently is reasonable then I’d email him advising that if he’s making threats to keep her you can’t agree to contact until there’s a formal arrangement in place. He’ll be trying to push for more time now because then if he goes to court he can say how much he’s having her and if there is a pattern established it’ll be hard to revoke. I was warned that my ex wanted the extra time to get out of paying maintenance.
If he keeps her the only way the police could intervene would be if she was unsafe. And even then all they could do would be to conduct a welfare check and if there was no immediate sign of danger then they’d leave her.
I refused mediation because my son’s dad had been problematic during the divorce and because I said I didn’t feel comfortable. That was the end of that xx

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Thanks for the responses. Think I was just so upset and frustrated earlier. I got an email this evening off my solicitor saying FINALY my legal aid has been granted. This was down to pure luck that another professional body offered to fill in the template form for me that I needed to claim legal aid. I’m really glad it’s sorted because it means I can move forward in getting something drawn up.
Yeah I mean he’s not paying me anything for our daughter at the moment anyway so I’ve had to go through child maintenance which can take up to 6 weeks. But yet he still expects to see her. Convenient isn’t it how these men seem to demand things yet can’t actually pay for their kids! Feels like I’m going in the right direction. I’ve asked my work for more support because I’m mentally struggling to deal with his difficult behaviour on top of working full time and parenting.

[Hetty]

I’m glad you’ve finally got legal aid sorted. Thank goodness for that!
He will want you to be frustrated and upset so it’s really important to maintain firm boundaries with no flexibility. Even when he’s playing Mr Nice. Don’t budge an inch. I’ve learned this through bitter experience. Try and keep him at arms length as much as possible. Use third parties when you can for handovers and think about a different phone. It’s best to nip it in the bud.
Good news re support at work too xx

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