Stuck on pause

[Escapee]

Hi ladies,

I’ve been out now for a couple of years but I’ve found myself on pause.
When I look back and can see I’ve made huge progress but I’m so confused about this next bit I can’t see a way through.

I’ve been trying to understand what my core values are but looking at the list, I have to question…..are these because of what I have gone through or are they genuinely me as they are all things that make me feel safe.

I just don’t trust myself……any advice???

(I haven’t been on here for ages and it’s lovely to hear how you’re all getting on 💕) 🤗

[Wants To Help]

Hi escapee,

Glad to read you are out of your abuse 🙂

I’m not really sure about the core values list, but what I can say is that abuse does change us as a person. I am certainly NOT the same person I was before I met my abuser and I know that my values are different now to what they would have been back then. They have changed with knowledge and experience.

Another thing that changes with age is our awareness of safety and we take less risk as we get older. I am definitely more risk averse now than I was 20 years ago and I don’t think that has anything to do with my abuse experience. For example, I would quite happily go on really big roller coasters, the scarier the better, yet now I don’t want to go on them!

Post abuse, my life has not turned out how I would have expected. I thought I would meet someone else, settle down and perhaps be living with someone in a committed relationship, but well over a decade on I have still not met anyone and I still live alone (with my son) and I’m single. But do you know what? I am happy. I have freedom, I have money, I have a nice home. I come and go as I please, I spend time with friends, life is okay. There are times when I get a bit lonely and I think it would be nice to meet someone and have intimacy, but then I speak to my friends who have been in relationships for years and years and they tell me they rarely have sex and they secretly envy my life!

You may feel stuck at the moment, but ask yourself if you’re happy with life overall? Is life peaceful, without drama, good health, freedom, no serious money issues? Having values that keep yourself safe is not a bad thing at all.

xx

[Escapee]

Thank you 💕
That is wonderfully sensible and heartfelt advice.

I am yet to conquer the anxiety but I am ok on my own. My home is warm and safe; money….not a lot but I’m not in debt; health….working on it.

I tell myself that a few years can’t heal several decades and to be patient.

And you are so very right; the younger me would not be cautious about life but the older me is wiser.

[searchingforhope]

Hi Escapee

Wants to Help has some very wise words.

All I want is peace, happiness, health and best for my children. To be able to show kindness and support for those who need it, in whatever scenario.

Go easy on yourself Escapee, your doing amazing. I’m hopeful I find the strength you had to leave one day soon.

[Escapee]

Thank you Searchingforhope.

I truly hope you get all your wishes.

You will find that extra dose of strength when the time is right. Remember, you are already incredibly strong to cope with what you’re dealing with…..and extra strong to be able to offer kindness and support to others like you have to me in your reply. 💕

[liftingthefog]

Wonderful advice already.
I’m no where near where you are just on the beginning of my escape.
However right now I crave the single life that I had pre meeting my abuser and think I would probably like to stay that way, certainly for the next few years until I am sure or my own recovery and needs.
I don’t think that your feelings are necessarily to do with your past relationship but don’t humans often crave in the moment what we don’t have. Instead each day we should count our blessings …. I hope that I don’t sound trite, I mean that in the kindest possible way and I have to remind myself daily to do so otherwise I can let regret and melancholy blindside the tiny wins that life and nature gives us on a daily basis.
Big hugs and best wishes.
Xx

[Escapee]

Thank you Golden.
No, that wasn’t trite at all. To look to our blessings and our wins, however small, is so important to our sanity.

Good luck with your escape……the grass is definitely greener and the roses smell wonderful 😉💕

[Author]

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