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Hey I’m back again after getting out for the millionth time. I moved with my abusive boyfriend to (detail removed by moderator) where my family is after my younger brother pushed me into a bath during an argument. I couldn’t stay with them so I went back to worse. He’s still abusive just Moreno on the mental and verbal side of it which I find worse more insulting to me, because he tries to invent things about literal history and is offended when I won’t go along with it sorry I’m rambling just my heads all mixed up. I’m never alone long enough to feel safe calling anyone to find a refuge im stuck in this life of stress and emptiness. I don’t love him I keep having dreams about a guy I grew up with idealising a future for us together (I have borderline personality disorder so I tend to negatively daydream all the time) I hate my life I haven’t slept with him for over a month which is weird as we are both just in our early 20s. I live like a literal shadow never wanting to emote anything negative for fear of an argument and when I do snap he turns it all against me and blames me for normal human emotions. I’m not a person I’m a robot for him to sponge off of and use for housing and food so that he feels comfortable while I just die inside and live like a prisoner in my head. I ran out of anxiety medication and I want some anti depressants but he makes sure we never prioritise going to the doctors so I never get help. He tries to dictate to me about therapy and how I’m “not allowed it, sorry B I just don’t trust them” like I give a flying f**k who you trust?! I need help! I need therapy I need happiness I need my f*****g life back in my own hands!! He is controlling and stupid and f*****g disgusting and has zero respect for women. When we argue he tells me “only hoes get raped” and makes sure to go into all the detail from what I told him about my most traumatic rape experience (notice I said most traumatic, the majority of my sexual encounters were rape I’m terrified of saying no I’m a prime f*****g target for weirdos and abusers) I’m not trying to sound all negative but I can’t help it I feel trapped. My social worker referred me to domestic abuse help where we moved to but they keep trying to call my phone not email me and I can literally not answer because he is around 24 hours of the day and it is killing me. I want him to leave me so I refuse to have sex with him in the hopes he will get bored and end the relationship. I hate hate hate my life and wish I was free but every time I leave he somehow manipulates me to change my mind. I think moving into a refuge would help me stay strong if I had other people around me saying no, I was given a social worker because they said I was vulnerable due to my age mental illness and abusive relationship but I haven’t really received any help. I dream about being hospitalised to take the responsibility off of me, like maybe they can just drug me up to my eyeballs stick me in a padded room and then In a month or so I’ll be a normal healthy person who is single and safe And lives with her mum and dad again. I want to regress back to childhood and do it all over again and always be lovely to my parents and never go near boys and just study hard maybe then I would be happy. I feel so broken and conflicted and disgusted at my life. I just really don’t know what to do. This is a rant so don’t feel obligated to reply as it’s all pretty crazy and doesn’t make sense, but if you read all of this well done lol
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Makes perfect sense to me. Exactly how I felt. Too scared and traumatised to take control. Keep trying to get outside help. You might be able to get a place in a refuge near your family. I managed to escape but it took the police and courts. Women’s aid were fantastic. You’re not stupid. You are being abused x
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