10th February 2020 at 3:09 am #97452PurpleHedgehogParticipant
Hi ladies. (detail removed by moderator)
After lots of tears on his part he seemed genuinely remorseful and made me doubt what I had started to believe of him.
He had reasonable explanations for everything I raised (almost exclusively based around ” I was trying to protect you”)
He has promised he wants to sort money issues and learn how to support me with my existing PTSD. It occurs to me as I write this he has still not apologised for the affair accusations specifically but has generally apologised a lot.
Am I being stupid? Or is it worth another try? I am waiting on my copies of a couple of books you girls recommended, and I have booked personal counselling for me this week to help me try to make sense of things. I just can’t quite believe this tearful mess is a guy who would knowingly twist things?!
But I do know that I am not quite sure I made the right decision about backing down over a divorce…
Feeling very very confused!
10th February 2020 at 6:48 am #97453Anonymous
I think you need to be really wary of the tearful apology. It’s hard to determine the difference between a genuine apology between a calculated apology where they are telling you what you want to hear to get there own way again. If you unsure about backing down on the divorce maybe it’s your gut feeling trying to warn you.
And the term backing down is it something you have decided to back down on or is it something he has talked you into?
10th February 2020 at 8:05 am #97454PurpleHedgehogParticipant
I am just not sure. He seemed almost broken. It is so difficult though as I had been struggling to see to equate the guy I fell in love with with all the traits I know and can see.
A close friend has been pointing out for years the constant calls to check my location etc are not normal. The having to ask for every penny is not normal. The jokes about me doing things I blatantly haven’t isn’t right (especially after I asked him to stop and he told me to get a sense of humour).
He seems happy now to accept we need shared funds (but not sure if that is because I am working now so this way he knows what I have too?)
He says he will try harder around the house and take some sessions on handling my PTSD AND marriage counselling- both which I insisted on.
I suppose I have to wait and see if he does..
I just feel so confused as to whether I am dealing with an abuser or just an over protective partner who has been with me nearly half my life. I just wish someone could say for sure! I doubt myself…
And I said backing down because I thought he would refuse to meet my terms in honesty and so was prepared to refuse to budge on the divorce thing. So when he agreed I felt I needed to give him a chance to prove it.
Sorry rambling now but just feel so lost.
10yrs ago this would have broken my heart to say I want a divorce. Now I just don’t know.
10th February 2020 at 9:51 am #97458HeadspinningParticipant
It’s really hard and I don’t know that we ever truly know. I’m in a similar situation of adding up all the small things and wondering if I am over reacting.
We have had a hard week with him away for much of it and I suspect he will come back tonight acting like everything is fine.
So I will either have to bring everything from earlier in the week back up again and start from scratch or just let the dust settle and see if things improve.
When is the right time?
A few questions that may help:-
Do I believe this person will change in a way which makes me happy to be in this relationship?
Do I believe I have the ability to bring about the change?
If no to the above, how long am I prepared to put up with the situation before I take action?
What is the cost to me in time and emotional energy by continuing (if I see no change)
Another thing I read at weekend – if you decide to finish, don’t see it as a failed relationship, see it as a “completed” relationship. It served its purpose in your life, it brought both good and bad, and now you are ready to move into the next phase of your live retaining the positive memories and learning from the negative ones.
Easy for me to say when I am equally stuck scared and indecisive! But it might help you.
10th February 2020 at 9:54 am #97459HeadspinningParticipant
Maybe you need to tell him honestly that you don’t know what you now want and you do t want to be rushed either way. Agree sone time apart to allow you to get your head straight. If he is genuinely upset and remorseful he will accept and respect that. I suspect you will see another tact in him though to try and push you into what he wants. But that may be me projecting based on my experience of my partner.
10th February 2020 at 10:09 am #97464KIP.Participant
Do not believe a word he says. They are Oscar winning actors. My ex would cry and beg and appear broken yet seconds after he got his own way he was skipping off with a grin. Is crying and begging really needed? Surely a rational conversation and apology is more appropriate. They have no depth of feelings and are great at pretending. But often get it wrong and overdo it. WA do not recommend joint counselling (even if he does agree) as he will just twist everything. It’s best initially to go to a counsellor with specific training and knowledge of domestic abuse. I went to a useless one who told me to talk to my ex about a trial separation which is the most dangerous time for women. Needless to say my ex attacked me and was arrested. He will say whatever he thinks you want to hear to regain control. Don’t judge by what he says. You only judge by his specific actions. So has he accepted he has a problem and gone straight to a domestic abuse perpetrator programme. Has he shown remorse and accepted responsibility. Has he accepted your decision to divorce and moved out? They talk a good talk but do nothing.
10th February 2020 at 1:32 pm #97475Anonymous
I told my ex I wasn’t willing to come back tonhim untill I seen him making clear changes in regards to counceling anger management and him stoppin fliping out when he doesn’t get his answer or reaction that he wanted. Within days it was clear he was just tellin me everything I wanted to hear and had flipped again. He was even ready to sign me the house over and let me and our son have out home back contacted the landlord and last minute went back on his word. He thought that grand gesture was enough for me to us another chance when he saw it wasn’t he flipped and went back on the morally right thing to do for his child. That proved to me he wasn’t willing to do anything unless there was something init for him. That home was a walk away from my child’s school and I don’t drive was common sence that we stayed there but he drives and had options where he could go.
Just go with your gut feeling. By readin what you said it’s sounds txt book abusers apology. I would be inclined to say not to call off the divorce on the back of a very possible coerced apology if you call it off and couple days couple weeks time you might feel like he has forced you back to square one.
10th February 2020 at 1:35 pm #97476Anonymous
Forgot to mention also my ex promised me the exact same thing help around the house etc it’s as if there is a manual for them on how to worm there way back in. I bet the issue was never even about housework but somehow he thinks this will fix an unrelated issue.
10th February 2020 at 6:57 pm #97487LisaMain Moderator
Hi there Purple hedgehog, it is understandable that you are feeling confused and might be doubting yourself. It is important to remember that your partner is always responsible for his behaviour, the abuse is never your fault. It is positive to see that you are accessing counselling just for you. KIP is right, joint counselling isn’t recommended by domestic abuse services as it can often be a way that an abuser can further control and manipulate a survivor.
It will be a good idea for you to get as much support in place just for you to help you to work through what you want to happen next. You could get some support from Women’s Aid through the Live Chat. Also, remember you could access some ongoing practical and emotional support through your local domestic abuse service.
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