This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Frankfurter 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #70199
     Frankfurter 
    Participant

    So, I had a serious lapse of judgement yesterday and ended up Googling my abuser. I found him. Boy did that mess my head up. It’s been (detail removed by Moderator), how is it that I STILL don’t know it’s idiotic to look for him? How is it that he still has this kind of effect? I am losing it.

  • #70242
     maddog 
    Participant

    I think we go back to things because we think it might be safe. When my eating was out of control I couldn’t trust myself enough as I was recovering that recovery was real. I hung onto it for a long time. I think alcohol can be similar. Please forgive yourself, allow yourself a lapse of judgement. You are what matters now. I bet things have changed over the years and I bet lots of positive things have happened. We all make mistakes. Please try to find something kind to do for yourself and forgive forgive forgive. You are not losing it!

  • #70243
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hi, abusers will always be toxic to us on some level. Did you ever receive good counselling? If not I would strongly recommend some from a trained domestic abuse counsellor or a trauma counsellor. No experience is wasted if we learn from it. I remember feeling such anxiety not knowing what he was doing, what he was upto. In some ways it was easier when we were together as I could predict and possibly avoid an abusive outburst, or at the least I could see it coming. Whatever reason for looking him up, you’ve been reminded that no good comes from it. So pick yourself up, dust yourself off and begin again with total zero contact. Including looking him up.

    • #70253
       Frankfurter 
      Participant

      Ah Maddog, I wish I could say I thought it would be fine. I knew full well it was a bad idea when I did it, but social media is a bit like that. Now I’m terrified he’ll find out I was there. Self forgiveness is a skill I am seriously lacking I think!

  • #70252
     Frankfurter 
    Participant

    That is exactly it KIP, I’ve spent (detail removed by Moderator) looking over my shoulder. A situation with my current partner triggered it, I suspect it may have been a way of punishing myself, I don’t know. Does this ever get easier?

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