11th February 2020 at 12:55 pm #97509
Where do I start. I met my ex about (detail removed by moderator) I knew him from a long time ago. Things were going well initially until I realised he is an alcoholic. The start of a nightmare, I was in too deep by this time, loved him, so decided to try and “change” him. It wasn’t happening, only he could do that. The mental abuse (I didn’t realise at the time this is what it was) was awful. The name calling, me calling the police, everything my fault, I nearly lost my job through it. And through it all, I stupidly took him back, because I loved him. The drunken episodes lasted at least a month before he went cold turkey. Then the manipulation comes, he is very subtle and worked on me over time, the staying in and not meeting friends, calling my friends names and that i’d be better off without them, saying they were no good for me. I booked holidays that when came to the time he wouldn’t go, wasting thousands of pounds, but he didn’t care, it wasn’t his money.
(detail removed by moderator) The last straw for me was when I had to go in hospital to have part of my (detail removed) removed as I had cancer. I was left to go on my own. I was heartbroken, scared, devastated, every emoticon going.
I came home and was going to move into another house with him and his family (detail removed by moderator) I was there just to be their cleaner and look after the house. I couldn’t do it no more and moved out, I was trying to get over my op and it was making me more ill.
Come Christmas time I foolishly text him saying I loved him. We talked and he said he needed some time. He used that time to make me feel so low, he wouldn’t answer text, he told me he was going out with other women, nothing about getting back with me. I was at rock bottom and thought about ending it all. I was very near but my family and the surgeon that saved my life stopped me.
I found some inner strength and finally got rid of all his stuff from my house and said goodbye to him for the last time. I’m finding it very hard but I have been getting some counselling and talking to some close friends about it all. It will take me a long time to get over this man but I will do it
I was financially ok but when he finally went I am left with nothing. Well not strictly right, I think I have had a lucky escape.
Thanks for reading my story, there are other things went on that I’ve not told you about
11th February 2020 at 1:21 pm #97513LandyParticipant
Minty, your story is almost a mirror of mine. Met my ex in my late 40s. First year was great, then like you, I discovered he was an alcoholic. Like you, I thought I could “save” him. Took me a long time to realise he didnt want to be saved, saw nothing wrong with his behaviour. He called me every name under the sun, controlled me, assaulted me repeatedly, told terrible lies about me, ruined every event and holiday, tried to drive a wedge between my family and friends and I, left me in huge amounts of debt. But all the time, he told me it was the alcohol and he really wanted to get better. Stupidly, I believed him, but now I think all he ever wanted was a free place to live and someone to pay for everything and do everything for him. Money had no value to him because none of it was his and he didn’t care how much he hurt me. I’m now struggling to keep my head above water and kicking myself for being so stupid. But at the end of the day, I took him at face value, trusted him and he took advantage of my good nature.
Their behaviour says a lot more about them than it does about us.
I’m a bit further along my recovery journey than you, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s still hard. I’m not OK, but I’m going to be.
11th February 2020 at 2:18 pm #97516
Landy…Before I met him I was so confident, sassy, had a lust for life. He sapped all that and left me a quivering mess. Even now I still love him but I am certainly not going back to that. That love will die in time but also I hate him for what he has done to me, but I think I am in a better place than he ever will be and I will be that sassy woman again one day.
He will never change
Landy, good on you for getting out and are surviving, my therapist said one day at a time and he’s right
11th February 2020 at 8:30 pm #97531LandyParticipant
Minty, we’re like kindred spirits! Lol. I was at the top of my tree careerwise, loved being single, lots of friends, a really good life. I don’t know what possessed me to get involved with him. Today, I’m a she’ll of what I once was and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again.
11th February 2020 at 9:54 pm #97538ChunkydunkParticipant
Hi Ladies, I wanted to offer my support as I too traveled this road for decades. He too was a alcoholic & blamed the drink for everything. The truth is he is a disgusting lying individual that I constantly forgave because his behaviour was either according to him was because of the drink or my fault. He too didn’t turn up at the hospital for my operation & when he did finally rock up he was drunk! He has used me for years to pay bills whilst he has been off with other women. I finally got out (detail removed by moderator) ago after he sealed his own fate. It’s been so hard & I struggle every day it’s not a good feeling knowing you have been taken for a fool for years & having to start again at (detail removed by moderator) but with the help of a therapist & the boards here I’m getting through it & you will to. Stay strong ladies & good luck x
12th February 2020 at 1:30 pm #97567
There seems to be a theme here. I wonder why men feel the need to treat us like this? When we first meet them we are what we are and that’s what the attraction was in the first place. Yet the wind us in and we fall hook line and sinker and then they begin their work to destroy that person. Maybe it’s part jealousy that they see a confidant woman and can’t cope with it. I don’t know, but we are the stronger one ladies…
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