This topic contains 7 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by Anonymous 1 week, 3 days ago.
3rd December 2018 at 10:06 pm #68136I.dont.know.Participant
Right hear goes I’ve been putting off writing this post as I didn’t listen to the advice of not getting into another relationship after leaving an abusive one.
To make a long story short I met someone while I was in a very vunreable state of mind and thought getting into a relationship with this person was a good ticket out of my long term abusive relationship and at the time it was a good idea but now it most definitely has backfired which maybe I deserve for been unfaithful !!
However I have now come to realise after a previous post that the new partner is also abusive!! I don’t know how the hell I’ve managed to get in this situation again and really don’t know if I’ve got the strength to get out of it!!
So I stupidly let him move in I didn’t really want him too but felt pressurised at the time and I just didn’t know how to say No!! He was living with his parents and saying this was affecting him mentally and couldn’t take living there anymore. ( Should have seen a red flag here but didn’t coz I’m an idiot!!)
I didn’t see any of the red flags until he got drunk and accused me of been abusive after I wrote a post of here and i had lots of replied saying it was most likely him that was abusive I didn’t want to believe it at first but after I spend 2 weeks of crying everyday and shutting myself away from the world I think I’ve come to realise that he probably is abusive???
I’m so confused!!
So after he called me abusive and knew how much be hurt me and knew I was ready for ending it hes now decided he’s deeply depressed and that’s why he said what he said, and says that if he ever looses me then this life wouldn’t be worth living – red flag?
He proudly tells me how he beat the s**t out of his ex’s ex partner more than once 🙁 ( I hate violence of any kind)
He’s said 2 of his previous relationships were abusive and controlling and says they were both evil and crazy and regularly talks about the ex’s saying things like “she told me to take an overdose so I did”
He told me on Fri while we were out that I don’t have any brain cells because I was doing something he didn’t agree with and that I should have stopped to think about how it affects him.
He doesn’t like it if I txt anyone while I’m with him as I shouldn’t need my phone when I’m with him and says things like ” don’t forgot your life life (meaning phone) if I leave the room.
I forgot to take my pill so I asked him to wear protection he didn’t like this and said putting one on gave him anxiety??!!
Every txt he sends me he says I love you like 20,000 times a day??
Just tonight he phoned me and said “obviously you will have to pick me up this weekend” – no asking just demanding?
3rd December 2018 at 10:26 pm #68139fridgesParticipant
to get into second abusive relationship – it is more common, than you think. Do not beat yourself up too much, recognise it and make a plan how to get out. To me it happened exactly the same story – I got involved with my second abuser, while I was still with my first abuser. It looked to me – that could be a solution. I was so wrong and paid high price for this. The sooner you will get out, the better for you and your mental health. You list many flags here on your post. Possibly you were not ready fully face your emotions, just like me. I suppressed my emotions so much, I was trying so hard to run away from my life with the first abuser, that I could not see well ahead of me. Now I take time to heal and work on myself, everything what is in pain and broken, I try to repair. Just do not want to be in the same situation again and again, this change need to come inside me. Treats of suicide is a huge flag. Both of my abusers were doing this tactic to hold me for multiple times. They lie – very rare they really will kill themselves, it is emotional abuse and the attempt to keep you in the relationship.
3rd December 2018 at 10:43 pm #68140ApricotpoppyParticipant
Hi I.dont.know, sorry to hear this, you are being treated and spoken to horribly and you do not deserve this. You are a kind and resourceful woman who got you and your kids out of an abusive relationship. Like Fridges said maybe you weren’t ready to see it with this new man. Please don’t be hard on yourself. Keep reaching out for support and advice. Take care xx
3rd December 2018 at 10:53 pm #68141IwantmebackParticipant
Hello idontknow, welcome and well done for reaching out. Abusers are very good at seeking us out, they sense when we’re at our lowest😔 dont blame yoursekf, please don’t. I left my 1st husband partly because my oh was there fir me. I didn’t realise my 1st was abusive, but he was, he’d throw a strop when he didn’t get what he wanted, or would sulk. We never argued, he always walked away, complained he was left baby sitting when i was doing 3 jobs. didn’t like my best friend, accused me of having affairs, (i never did, but eventually being accused so often, it actually happened) Long time ago so water under the bridge now. So fir a good party of my 1st marriage i was seeing my current husband. I too like you felt i deserved this for being unfaithful, had invested so much in this relationship i want going to let it go. But do you know what, we wake up eventually and slowly baby step by baby step we find ourselves again, and we fight back. We do what we do to survive. You’ll leave when you’re ready, there’s no rush, everything’s at your pace 💜
Post on here to gain the strength and information from us. We are you, you are us.
Take care love. Be safe
4th December 2018 at 6:29 am #68147I.dont.know.Participant
Thank you all for your understanding I need to once again get a plan in action.
I findings it hard to stay sane at the moment especially as the ex is sending me messages saying there’s no point in his life and he might as well end it as I took anything away in his life that he had.
4th December 2018 at 9:46 am #68148IwantmebackParticipant
Hi, how are you today?
Is there any way you can stop your ex contacting you too. He’s still exerting power and control with his constant texts. I’d tell him the next time he does, that your calling 999 for his own safety. And actually do it, you probably know deep down these are only threats but it will be you taking control of the situation. Plus have you kept the texts, so it can prove manipulation on his part if you went to the police. A lot of the ladies advise telling their ex to stop contacting them or they will get the police involved. So long as you’re seen as not getting Involved in a 2way drama(keeping it going) after 2 instances of asking them to stop contact the police will do something concrete about it. He only needs to contact you with regards to picking the children up and that can be done on a separate phone or by email. WA can organise a contact centre as far as I’ve been led to believe by reading other ladies posts. It’s bad enough having one person abusing you when there’s 2 you must be going around in circles.
Stay strong sweetheart. Keep posting, it will give you the strength to see this through, no matter how look it takes.
4th December 2018 at 11:21 am #68157TiffanyParticipant
So sorry this has happened to you again. Unfortunately it’s a real danger when you have just got out of an abusive relationship because it takes time to process all of the abusive behaviours of our ex, so we don’t necessarily recognise them as bad when we see them again. They can actually feel comforting as they remind us of our previous relationship! Terrifying! We also tend to come out of abusive relationships with low self esteem, so accept behaviours and situations that we wouldn’t once our self esteem improved. Like letting the new man move in before you were ready. That’s a big red flag by the way – pressurising you into big descisions before you are ready.
It’s time to start making plans. You can get this new man out. He was living with his parents before and he absolutely can go back there. Sure, he will try to guilt trip you over it, but he will be safe and warm and it’s not like you are kicking him out into the street. Get support from Women’s Aid and the police on that one.
And switch your contact method with the ex about the kids to something less obtrusive in your life. Maybe email, and block him on everything else? You can then change your email address for everything else and only check his messages when you have to.
I would also seriously reconsider your plans to meet your ex with the children. It sounds like they are too young for you to explain why you left their father, but that doesn’t mean that their wishes to have you all together should override your (and their) safety. Imagine this: you are on a clifftop walk, the kids see a beautiful beach below and beg you to go down to it. There is no path and the rocks are steep and look unstable. How desperate would the kids have to be for you to risk it for them? The answer of course is that you wouldn’t risk it! Meeting the ex sounds to me as dangerous as climbing down that cliff face. If you have to do it then please take all the safety precautions you can. Meet up in a busy public place. Don’t be tempted to go back to your old place/his house/on a quiet walk. Don’t go anywhere like soft play where the kids are going to go off and play and leave you alone with him. Don’t let him know where you are parked. Don’t let him walk you back to the car. Meet and say goodbye in your busy place. You’re going over a cliff here. These are your ropes. Do not let him cut them. Stay safe.
4th December 2018 at 3:15 pm #68167Anonymous
Use the contact centre treatment for handovers. Try to stop direct communication with you. It’s a tough one I’ve been in three a us ive relationships. I was going to say I can’t half pic em but I think maybe they found there way to little old softy me 😊 I think I probably look weak a d vulnerable! We’re definitely not though us ladies ☺💕💕
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